Tom Usher
@tom_usher_
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That's why I'm the outspoken one from the band Commissions: tomusher87 @gmail .com Agent: kaitken @unitedagents .co.uk
London
Joined January 2014
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There's literally been an Irish pub in every single country I've ever been to
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NHS staff: please give us a proper protective equipment, we’re dying
The UK: haha ship go brrr
FULL STEAM AHEAD: London's Woolwich Ferry performed donuts on the River Thames in support of health care workers on the front line of the COVID-19 pandemic.
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I eat avocado on toast every morning, drink 3 oat milk lattes a day and spend my time watching Netflix and playing wordle. I stopped paying rent half a year ago bc of my landlord used incorrect pronouns, but he can’t because kick me out bc he’s scared I’ll cancel him on Twitter
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Imagine being 18 right now: just had your a-levels fucked, you have to pay full price for a uni course you do only online, you have to pay even more money to rent some shit halls in a place you dont know & cant make any new mates, now you cant even leave those halls for Christmas
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“I actually feel alright” - me, about 2 hours before the hangover properly kicks in
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Coronavirus conference 'cancelled due to coronavirus'
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Actually mad how the Tories can spend 12 billion quid on a track and trace system that doesn't even work then openly say 'look children starving is just how the economy works sorry'
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“Can I just say one more thing before I go Geoff: I’d just like to dedicate today’s brace to the various works of the famous socio-political philosopher Karl Marx, including all three volumes of Das Kapital, which does a lot of unsung work for the lads behind the scenes”
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Hilarious that this country is so down bad that it considers things like lemons, beans, onions and nuts as middle class
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Jackie Weaver being a Tory should teach you all a lesson about what happens when you try to see the good in old English people
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Jeremy Corbyn: Thank you NHS workers during this difficult time
Blue tick twitter: I want to kill you
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Culture secretary Oliver Dowden has also summoned 25 of the UK's biggest heritage bodies and charities to a summit on Feb 23 where they will be told "to defend our culture and history from the noisy minority of activists constantly trying to do Britain down”.
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American cuisine is just all the different ways you can drink a block of cheese
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“My business didn’t operate at full capacity for one day so I had to sack staff”
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@afneil
andrew this is a top class response mate. you really showed he/him! ha. can you do us a quick favour while youre here, my nan is a massive fan of yours and she'd absolutely love it if you could tell us why you were in the the black book of the notorious peadophile jeffrey epstein
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Almost ten years to the day since this photo of Wayne Rooney on holiday was taken and I don't give a fuck nothing has ever been more iconic in English football since
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Mick Lynch is impressive in his own right but it is telling how just by having on a guy who doesn't give a shit about a long term media career makes nearly every political TV appearance look absolutely ridiculous by them not having to appease whatever deranged shit they say
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Fall in use of "party drugs" as more Britons turn to alcohol in lockdown
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Gotta be up there as one of the most embarrassing tweets of all time
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Not sure if it’s possible to aggressively go on holiday but this year I feel like everyone is aggressively going on holiday
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England when it’s raining: I fucking hate this place and hate myself for living here
England when it’s sunny: I fucking hate this place and hate myself for living here - but I do fancy a few pints later
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Remember £15 quid an hour for being on your feet all day is too much but 80k a year for sitting on your arse in front of a computer isn't enough
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Capitalism may have irrevocably destroyed the planet but credit where it’s due, it really has produced a sensational variety of milks
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Centrists: when will people learn that only peaceful protest is the answer ❤️✨
Police: actually we’re making peaceful protest illegal
Centrists:
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Genuinely gutted for you mate. Not about your imaginary friends son, just generally
A friend's son, 10, plays in a Herefordshire boys' football league. If anyone shouts 'man on!' the ref blows his whistle and gives a free kick. They are told they must say 'person on'.
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Original Pirate Material is 20 years old today. Still one of the best British albums of all time
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Mad how aggressively you need to drink water just to feel vaguely ok
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Personally I think it’s probably quite bad that the uk had moulded our whole political outlook around an actively spiteful generation of people that are never happy unless they know someone is suffering more than them
"Back to the office with you!" say Britons who are no longer of working age. Britons under the age of 65 are less sure now is the right time to return to the workplace...
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A good example of “upholding British values” is when you scold people for not clapping for NHS workers then a year later scold NHS workers for asking for a pay rise in line with inflation
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Hey remember about a month ago when this was the discourse lol
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Was feeling really down about everything that’s going on in the world right now and how powerless we all are to stop it - then I randomly found this sick extendable fork in my house and am now eating pasta with it
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[guy who gets anxious when teenagers play music on their phones near them on a bus] personally this is how I’d deal with Russian invading forces,
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From LA to North London.
Introducing the 424 x
@arsenal
limited collection.
Available March 16 through the
#adidasCONFIRMED
app and select retail partners.
Sign-ups are now open: .
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Fair play to FIFA for making a group stage that is perfectly designed to create the most annoying types of discourse on here
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I find Monday morning is the perfect time to bosh three coffees back to back and become paralysed with anxiety over everything wrong in your own life and the wider world in general
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How is it not a criminal offence to delete files being used as evidence during an inquiry
Grenfell files ‘lost forever’ after laptop wiped, inquiry hears
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Hard to get around the fact that a lot of people in this country are just massive cunts who deserve endless misery, which is lucky for them because that’s exactly what we’ll all get as long as they live
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600 complaints about B O Neill inciting political violence dismissed but one person complaining about Naga Munchetty saying Donald Trump is racist and they sanction her
BBC dismisses 600 complaints over Brendan O'Neill's Brexit riots claim on Politics Live
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Sorry guys I definitely don’t want to work from home anymore. But I only want to come in every Thursday and Friday at about 11ish, kind of hungover and not to do any work, just hang out, eat a nice lunch and then go to the pub
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People in the UK have mastered the art of being angry at the effects and never once questioning the causes
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@kimpossiblefact
You don’t need to say all of this online. You can just not say really intimate stuff to thousands of people
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Really don’t understand the weirdly sacred position comedy has inherited in recent times. It’s just some cunt talking on a stage, if they say some incredibly offensive shit, people have every right to be pissed off, the same as literally any other situation
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The press: Hey young people we need you to go on a night out or everything will collapse 🥺
Also the press: Wow just look at how reckless these young people are for going on night out 😏
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Massive data leak, the Pandora Papers, exposes how world leaders and the super-rich are secretly buying up luxury property to hide their wealth
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What is the charge, eating a meal? A succulent Salt Bae meal?
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Genuinely think the UK’s national psyche will be stuck in world war 2 forever
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*Billionaire donates 0.001% of their earnings to charity*
“billionaires are saints, and what’s more, our close friends. I’ll defend their honour till the day I die”
*labour MP donates half her salary to charity*
“wow, fuck you. How dare you think you’re better than me”
“If that money isn’t good enough for a firefighter or nurse, why is good enough for an MP?”
Newly-elected Labour MP
@NadiaWhittome
is donating half her salary to community causes
She rejects it's “virtue signalling”
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My new favourite thing is Brian Logan rinsing Jack Whitehall for being a shit Tory stand up
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Hard to look at this guy and not just hate him with every fibre of your being isn’t it
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What's everyone's New Year's resolutions? Mine are:
1. Read more books
2. Lose some weight
3. Learn to drive
4. Go to war with the creeping normalisation of fascism
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Is just mental how Balenciaga’s whole business model is “this looks shit, you’ll look like an idiot wearing it and it costs £1,500”
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I’ve never seen someone that’s looked further away from happy and healthy
Prince Philip looks happy and healthy as he smiles alongside Queen after Princess Beatrice's wedding
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I don’t think dunking on Martin Lewis for not being left wing enough is helping or proving anything. He may be rich himself but he actively helps millions of people in financial hardship. He’s the “get better at capitalism!” guy, not the “capitalism must be overthrown” guy
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Young people: I’d really benefit from higher wages, cheaper public transport and lower rents
Rishi Sunak:
Young people benefit from working in the office, says Sunak
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You can really see how “it’s up to women to judge whether the policeman they’re speaking to is good or bad” leads directly onto “well actually it was her fault for not realising the policeman was a bad guy and acting accordingly”
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Would be pretty easy to fully privatise healthcare in this country when successive governments have convinced a whole country that taxes should only pay for the social services you use and that any you don’t use are an unfair financial burden
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👀 Interesting
@YouGov
polling today...
Public back Cressida Dick, when asked if she should resign
• No: 47%
• Yes: 23%
Public narrowly against Sarah Everard vigil taking place during pandemic, when asked if it should have been allowed
• No: 43%
• Yes: 40%
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Everything about the UK feels incredibly illegal at the moment
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Funny how in the uk a billionaire can sue some random guy on Twitter for repeating something they said and somehow it’s the job of the free speech guys to convince everyone the billionaire is the good guy
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Is quite funny how it’s a shared consensus that life in the uk right now is really shit and yet somehow more expensive than ever but most people seem to treat that as some kind of law if nature instead of ever asking why
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There is a difference between gambling and problem gambling. And some of you are really snobby about how others spend their leisure time.
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@VinnieJones65
absolutely right vinnie, until things are literally at one of the lowest ebbs of human history we have no right to complain
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Chancellor Rishi Sunak announces all domestic energy customers will get a £200 upfront discount on their bill to be repaid in £40 instalments over five years
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[my girlfriend, in tears]
And I’ve never ONCE seen you clean ANYTHING in this house!
[me, not even looking away from playing PlayStation]:
You can’t shame me into capitalist productivity
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Ever stop to think how in the UK we’ve got people on daily morning shows literally saying “letting people die is actually good” and everyone’s calling it common sense. The lack of humanity that’s built into the fabric of our media is overwhelming at times tbh
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People in the UK: how come no one in the media is talking about Prince Andrew?
The UK media:
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When actual riots happen most of you lot ask for the army to be called in
It will be a very British riot. There will be ironical placards, and instead of chanting we will just do highly organised tutting. Half of us will smash windows, and the other half will tidy up and leave apologetic notes.
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The UK: "If you don't like it, why don't you just leave the country!"
*Meghan leaves the country*
The UK: "Oh so now you're too good for us are you?"
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I’d tax people with that annoying habit of hoarding wealth
@Wera_Hobhouse
PLUS: If Rishi Sunak needs to raise some cash, what annoying habit would you tax?
People who can't queue? People who eat smelly things on trains?
Let me know and I'll read out the best/least offensive
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I don't think Gibbo even is his first name
Regular reminder. STOP. USING. HIS. FIRST. NAME. He's not your mate. He's not a celebrity. You don't do it with the others. He's got you to do it over the years to make him seem more pally. He's not. It's branding. He's playing you all like an effing flute.
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When You Think About It, Isn’t Being At Work Actually Better Than Having Mates? My latest for this weeks Sunday Times
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Every day Americans come on here and say “just learning about this thing???” and it’s just stuff like a big cooked potato
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This country does my fucking head in man. I know another country would just piss you off in a different way but the specific way this country is like, vengefully shit is actually unbearable
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