Kaveh MD
@thehouseofpod
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Following
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Humor-adjacent pod looking at health/news/culture . Host- Kaveh: Large mammal & GI doctor. Putting the “fun” back in mfunedicine. Listen:
San Francisco, CA
Joined March 2017
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Fun fact: Matthew Modine was originally offered the role of Maverick in Top Gun and knew it would be a massive success but didn’t want to make a two hour commercial for the military.
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Can I interest you in the dumbest response you’ll see today?
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Gastroenterologist here:
Not that you would but please don’t get “rectal ozone therapy.”
Also, don’t put coffee in your butts either.
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My wife just sent me this text about my son. I’m a bit too terrified to find out more details.
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Dear Americans, as a Gastroenterologist who has looked into a lot of your colons over the past 10 years, I can tell you this: you need more fiber.
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As a doctor I have to - no, you know what, go ahead and drink your own urine if you think that’ll help COVID. Screw it.
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Went out drinking last night with friends & I said and did some things that I regret. I believe in taking ownership of my mistakes and making amends when possible.
To that end, here is a non-exhaustive list of things I would like to apologize for and address this morning:
🧵
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A friend once asked me to lose weight before attending her wedding. I have been gaining weight ever since just to spite them.
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My sister drives around with a bullhorn to yell at antivaxxers and truthfully, I’ve never been prouder.
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-I do not wish my friend Kieran to have eternally chapped lips
-I am not a gilded god
-Lakers fans are not the direct cause of global warming
-Australians are not “made up”
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Make a diagnosis sound less scary by changing one word. I'll start:
Secret Compartment Syndrome.
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Don’t feel like you “failed” if you end up catching COVID. The only failure would be if you didn’t prepare your body as well as you could with vaccines.
Talking to myself here.
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In medicine, we don’t “debate” big topics. We peer review them. We study them. It doesn’t mean that opinions don’t change and can’t vary. It just means that practice isn’t changed in arguments with Presidential candidate lawyers who can out gish gallop doctors and scientists.
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-I did not invent spooning
-I should not have challenged the SF Fire Department to a battle of “hoses”
-I can not eat 50 eggs
-Plutarch probably didn’t do those things I said he did. If he did, it was a long time ago.
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This is exactly why I perform colonoscopies you giant nimrod.
"Think about it. Before COVID, did anyone go out and seek testing to determine if they were sick?"
@GovRonDeSantis
today
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I’m the most pro-vaccine podcast doc EVER but when I recently discovered that my local science museum requires boosters, I decided to move my family to Arizona and run for congress as a Republican.
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-I shouldn’t have made the patrons of Shotwell’s Bar listen to “The Boys Are Back in Town” on repeat 15 times.
-The show, Three’s Company was not based on my life.
-Pigeons aren’t mammals. That Wikipedia page I pulled up was edited by me beforehand
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I just heard a patient refer to having cancer as "being evicted from their own life" and I'm going to need a minute because that's profound and heartbreaking.
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As a gastroenterologist, I’ve learned a lot about butts over the past 10 years. while I don’t know EVERYTHING about medicine, I can tell you with complete confidence: coffee enemas are not a good idea & you shouldn’t do them.
Please stop making me say this. It’s making me sad.
Coffee enemas have no health benefits and do have risks of harms. If you want coffee then please use your mouth hole instead.
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-I have never eaten a Cebu flowerpecker
-I do not have 4 accessory nipples. I don’t even know why I would lie about that.
-I didn’t realize that surfing on the top of that van, Teen Wolf style, was illegal
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I’ll guarantee you that if your doctor shows up to work like this, they’re probably amazing doctors that know ties are fomites and that what’s most important is how the patient is doing, not how the doc looks.
Shlubby docs are the best docs.
This is how John Fetterman showed up to preside over the Senate yesterday.
Imagine a doctor showing up to care for their patients like this.
Imagine a lawyer showing up to defend you in court like this.
Imagine a pilot flying a plane like this.
Imagine anyone else doing this.…
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Sometimes, when I’m the only person wearing a mask indoors in some crowded place, I see people looking at me and I know they’re considering saying something about my mask but don’t because I’m a large mammal.
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If I had enough money to buy Twitter, I would simply spend every cent of it on a 3 bedroom/1 bathroom house in San Francisco.
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FYI: not getting tested because you don’t want to “ruin” your vacation is pretty lame.
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Found this photos of my father in Iran, before the revolution.
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Folks, I really need to know: AITA for suggesting to my wife’s family that we all get rapid testing before the big holiday gathering ?
I’m just kidding, I don’t care if I am.
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@nuclearcarly
Gweneth Paltrow might be one of the leading causes of people putting inappropriate things in their butts
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I would submit that breakups do NOT need to happen in person. An ex once had me drive an hour and fifteen minutes just to break up with me and honestly, it could have been done over the phone.
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Since Jordan Peterson is trending, I think you should see this super short (don't check the time code) video about him by
@drmistercody
& the fine folks at
@SomeMoreNews
It's one of the best analyses of his talking points and his very serious brand.
Don't check the time code.
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The comment on this post below is one of the wildest things I’ve ever seen on the internet.
I am from this country and I can assure you, I am NOT equipped to deal with this kind of heat.
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Regardless of how nice they are to you NOW, people that treat the waitstaff poorly will eventually treat you that way too.
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Fun fact about my brother: He won an Emmy and didn’t care enough about it to pick it up, so one of my friends got it for him.
Now it sits in my parents place and we use it to hold the iPhone so we can take pictures of the whole family.
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In case you're wondering what makes a large Iranian man cry:
Video of Ukrainian father saying goodbye to his kids while he stays behind to fight.
Fuck war.
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What’s most important to remember about being a doctor is that if YOU suffered through a training experience constructed by a surgeon in 1900, out of his mind on cocaine, well then, everyone should.
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Ok, I’m not crossing picket lines but just imagine how funny it would be I started writing General Hospital and made it the most medically accurate show on TV.
ABC's 'General Hospital' is hiring a batch of temporary writers to write new episodes of the popular soap opera.
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You never know when you’ll hear “you look too young to be a doctor” for the last time, so appreciate it while you can.
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My goal is simple: to be the first non-glaucomflecken in a glaucomflecken tiktok.
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There was a pre-op nurse preparing a patient for surgery with a Doctor named Michael Jordan. When the nurse was asked if the doctor was good, he replied “oh yeah, he’s like the Patrick Ewing of surgery.”
To this day, it’s one of the funniest things I ever saw.
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To my knowledge, there are still ZERO randomized trials on drinking bleach.
Zero.
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Do people enjoy this? It tastes like what I imagine a scented candle tastes like.
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I’m old enough to not know who needs to hear this but I’m asking for a friend and I’m just going to leave this here cause y’all aren’t ready for this conversation.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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It’s part of our cultural heritage as Californians to drive over the Donner Pass and consider if we would eat our friends if we got stuck in the snow and you can’t take that from us.
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Saw a doctor running up and down the stairs in the hospital, just for exercise, and I’m not sure why, but it filled me with rage.
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It’s true, as a gastroenterologist, my job didn’t even exist until the vaccines.
Passenger dies mid-flight after 'blood erupts from his mouth and nose’.
I’ve never heard of that in my life ever before. Have you?
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Hey
@WholeFoods
, I know there’s bigger problems in the world but this is the second time in a month that I’ve bought your cheese and there’s mold in it. Let’s tighten it up, ok?
(Btw, bought this cheese TODAY)
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I’m not anti vaccine. Don’t you dare say I’m against vaccines. I’ve never been anti-vaccine. Now here’s a thread on why you should under no circumstances get a vaccine ever again…
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Twitter friends, meet Northern Iranian food. Northern Iranian food, meet my twitter friends.
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If you want to criticize the Chinese government for human rights violations or their support of Russia, go for it, but this racist dog-whistle-nonsense only endangers our Chinese community here and does nothing to forward the situation.
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Learned that a physician I’ve known & looked up to for years committed suicide.
None of us saw it coming. I know that’s a cliche at this point but i am floored & heartbroken by this.
Please, keep checking in on your friends & family. Please, reach out for help if you need it
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Yes, I am the mask police.
If you’re in the hospital or anywhere near my patients, I will be watching.
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I’m a gastroenterologist, so I recognize a malignant polyp when I see one.
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Anyone else wake up in the middle of the night, having to pee but are too lazy to get up and do it, so instead they just stay awake, uncomfortable in bed?
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The hills of San Francisco are pretty much the only thing keeping me in shape at this point.
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A nurse I’m working with just asked me about this band she heard about called Led Zeppelin cause she thought they were my “generation” so I’ll be taking the rest of the day off.
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Whether it’s vaping in front of a pregnant woman who asks you multiple times to stop or wearing shorts, both parties have shown disregard for public safety.
Starting a new political party for people who don't give a shit either about how John Fetterman dresses or what Lauren Boebert does in a theater.
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Grew out a mustache hoping to bring out my Persian-ness but somehow I ended up looking like a midwest cop.
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The CDC says it’s now ok for healthcare workers to extend the “5-second rule” for food that has fallen on the floor to a “2-day rule”.
CDC says it is now ok for healthcare workers - and healthcare workers only - to eat 3-day old pizza sitting out in the break room
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Not going to lie, this is blowing my mind right now.
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Again, I’ve seen doctors ENRAGED by far less.
Israel has struck 3 hospitals and an ambulance convey today.
Silence is complicity.
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Totally normal, cool stuff happening in this country.
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Look, I dislike Ben Shapiro as much as the next fella, but 90% of the videos asking you to click to see him get owned are just 40 seconds of him and another guy talking over each other.
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For those of you wondering, here’s a doctor’s perspective on nuclear war and possible fallout:
🧵
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As a father, I know how tough parenthood can be. That’s why I don’t judge other parents.
Unless you let your kids crawl around on hospital floors.
That’s a tough one for me. I may judge you a bit in that scenario.
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Italian grandma behind counter at local grocery: “You’re Italian, right?”
Me: “No, I’m Persian”
IGBCALG: “Oh good, come here (beckons me close and whispers), I hated that movie 300. So stupid”
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Let's be real, he just looks like someone you instinctively want to say "no" to.
I am on board a Delta flight right now. The person sitting next to me in first class refused $100,000 to remove her mask for the entire flight. No joke. This was after I explained they don’t work. She works for a pharma company.
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Received a consult request with only the information: “it’s all in the chart.”
Friends, I responded without snark.
Lots of personal growth here. Lots.
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As a doctor in San Francisco, I say this is a pile of rubbish.
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I’m pro-vaccine but here’s why I’m against mandates, masks, children getting vaccinated or protected in ANY way, making people feel bad for spreading COVID, taking measures to protect the public or anyone over 75 getting the booster.
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Who wants to record an episode with me tonight that is just screaming and yelling?
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I went through a lot of specialty training for this
@SentientBlobBob
I do recommend against removing your liver from your body and putting it in Tupperware and then pouring things on it
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Autonomy is the most basic and important tenet of medical ethics. If you don’t support a woman’s autonomy over her own body, you’re unethical and shouldn’t be a doctor.
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Early in 2020, I saw that doctors on twitter took COVID much more seriously than doctors who weren't. They saw the rising cases around the world & were hearing the stories coming out of hotspots.
I'm noticing that separation again between docs & I'll tell you, I don't like it.
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Autonomy is the most basic and important tenet of medical ethics. If you’re a doctor and not upset that women in this country are losing autonomy over their bodies, something is wrong.
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Being triple Vaxxed and now recovered from COVID infection, I feel a little bit like Mario after he gets the ⭐️.
Gonna try and enjoy it before the music slows down again.
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There’s far too many ER docs in my city right now. Just an uncomfortable amount of fleece vests out here.
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Look, as a rule, I think we can agree that no one that gets a two-parter on
@bastardspod
should be elected to office, right?
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I don’t understand why some healthcare workers would be nice to me and then mean to my nurses. You know they’re gonna tell me about it right? There’s no cone of silence here.
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Tip for all bosses, schedulers & coworkers: We know COVID is stressing the system and absences are difficult to cover but when an employee tells you they have COVID, your first response shouldn’t be, “will you find coverage for your shift?”
Maybe ask how they’re doing first.
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This bird landed inside my car and it won’t leave. What do I do?
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