Heather Hogan
@theheatherhogan
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your friendly neighborhood soft butch | @thesicktimes engagement editor | rep’d by: @sterlinglordlit | she/her | https://t.co/97DeXdfvhU
Joined February 2009
Friends, I have the most exciting news to share with you! I’ve signed with a literary agent! Jessica Friedman at Sterling Lord Literistic is my new creative partner and we’re gonna make my lifelong publishing dreams a reality!
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The tech who did my breast ultrasound put gel on the wand and said "Here comes some warm jelly!" and started whoosh-whooshing it toward my boobs like an airplane. Then she stopped dead, mid-whoosh, blinked, and said "I'm sorry, I have twin toddlers, I am. fucking exhausted.".
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Kid having a complete meltdown at the grocery store. The mom goes “Sweetheart, please use your words to tell me what’s wrong.” Kid sniffles, wipes his nose on his shirt, deep steadying breath, screams, “WHEN YOU TELL ME NO, IT SOUNDS BAD IN MY EARS AND FEELS BAD IN MY HEART!”.
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There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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I just posted a photo on Facebook and some old church friend was like “I don’t want my kids seeing what’s on your nightstand” and I said “it’s a drill” and she was like “I don’t care what you call it” and I was all “It’s a literal cordless drill. I was hanging blinds.” Like??? 🏳️🌈.
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You stupid fucking asshole. You’re gonna insult Miley Cyrus, whose number one fan is her beloved godmother, the world’s most famous actual Appalachian and childless cat lady, DOLLY PARTON?!.
Trump: Billy Ray Cyrus is here. Where is Billy Ray? He's around here someplace, and he's great. He's a conservative guy. I said, how did you get such a liberal daughter? How did that happen?
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When my wife runs out of an item, she goes to her closet and opens it up and retrieves a brand new item. Shampoo, conditioner, face wash, toothpaste, lotion, you name it. It’s the most grown-up behavior I have ever consistently witnessed. She is never without any of her items!.
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Lesbian at the grocery store: I hope this isn’t weird but would you like to maybe get a coffee some time?. Me: Oh! Oh! No, I’m married! To a woman, I mean! You’re reading that part right! Spot on! Excellent gaydar! Nice! High five! . Lesbian: Damn. Nicest rejection ever.
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I just opened my front door and heard one of my neighbors yell at another one, “They’re LESBIANS! I‘m pretty sure they know what days the trash is supposed to go out!” which is not a stereotype I knew existed but honestly I don’t mind it.
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This poor pharmacy tech was doing the mental calculations on whether to call me “sir” or “ma’am” — and then he saw my shirt says DYKES and completely panicked and said “May I help you, dykes? Oh god. Oh my god.” I’ve bought him an ice cream to calm him down.
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I accidentally brought a ladybug into the laundromat with me. When she fell off my cart or my shoulder or wherever she was perched, a woman jumped up to stomp her and I panicked and screamed “STOP SHE’S MINE!” And now I gotta figure out how to get us both out of here.
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A man at Walgreen’s THREW A BOTTLE OF TYLENOL at the pharmacy tech and I caught it in flight like A League of Their Own and glared at him without saying a single word. I don’t think he’ll ever have the courage to make eye contact with a lesbian again for the rest of his life.
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I can tell they’ve had pronoun training at my hospital because the check in guy said “Sir, over here. Oh! No, uh, they?” And the lady at the next cube said, “No gendered honorifics or antiquated respectability phrases, KEVIN!!!!”.
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In the summer I put out a cooler of Gatorade on my porch for outside workers, drivers, etc. — and my very churchy neighbor is always angrily like “Anyone who wants something to drink can just come up here and take these!l” And I’m like “Yep! Sure can! That’s the point!”.
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Some people were seeing a non-NY friend off at the subway and she started sprinting up the stairs when the train pulled in. They were like “Don’t run! The trains come every three minutes!” And a stranger nearby yelled “NOT ON THE WEEKENDS! NOT IN QUEENS! RUN BITCH!”.
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My neighborhood Reddit sometimes has posts from people who have social anxiety and want to try some new place so they ask for step-by-step instructions for how to interact with the space, and commenters show up in droves to help them create a plan to go get a tea or croissant.
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God Twitter is SO WEIRD. Yes I really put out Gatorade on my porch. No it’s not in some kind of boiling cauldron people could poison. It’s just cold, sealed bottles of Gatorade for thirsty neighbors. I cannot believe how many people have called me a cunt over electrolytes today!
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I don’t have kids, will never have kids, and I wish MORE (way way way more) of my tax dollars went to feeding children. All children, all over the whole world, all meals. More of my money to THAT please.
It's not free. It's paid for by taxpayers. And why should people pay for the "free" lunch of other people's children?. Feeding your kids is the responsibility of parents. And if there are cases of social disadvantage where some kids aren't getting fed then we have a welfare.
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character? . Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here's 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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I sent a letter to a childhood friend to let her know I’m writing a book and she’s in it because she was my first love. I asked if she wants me to change her name. She wrote back and said “Use my full name. I’m lucky to have been loved by you, Heather Anne.” 🥹.
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Woman stuck her head out of her car window and yelled “What’s going on up there, baby? What’s this mad traffic?” I stood on my tiptoes on the sidewalk and yelled back “Looks like a wreck on 33rd.” And she goes “Okay, thank you, baby! Happy Pride!”.
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I think maybe the greatest feeling in the world is making someone you love really, really laugh.
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Hospital scheduler: What’s your relationship to your emergency contact? . Me: We’re married. Hospital: … type?. Me: Oh, uh, gay type?. Hospital: Not your marriage type, honey; your blood type. Me: Lol sorry. I’m O-negative, also gay type.
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A friend I loved very very much died a few years ago from cancer. She left up her GoodReads. I’m so glad because every few months when I’m looking up a book, I’ll find a review she left and her voice is so strong and funny and warm and I want to keep hearing it forever.
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The wildest story in the WNBA this season is every rookie fighting to stay alive, and Kate Martin—who wasn't even at the draft to get drafted—getting major minutes while her Aces teammates buy her a Hello Kitty backpack and pretend to leave her at a Dallas steak house.
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Pre-op nurse: How would you describe your sexual orientation?.Me: Lesbian. Nurse: Okay, Stacy and Jennifer—.Me: Lesbian and bisexual, respectively. Nurse: No, this is a new question. Stacy and Jennifer, they’re you’re emergency contacts? .Me: Oh! Lol yes.
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what's the nastiest read you've ever seen someone give😭.
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I love that Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe always look like they’re ready to drive off in a magic school bus
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Does anybody have a recommendation for a printer that just, like, works? I don't want to join an ink club, I don't want to have to be connected to some Big Brother software that monitors my usage, I don't want to reboot and reinstall everything everyday. I JUST WANT TO PRINT.
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My wife and I were walking down the sidewalk wearing gear from our favorite sports teams, pushing three cats in strollers, on the way to the vet (annual check-ups), and I could feel a level of lesbianism radiating off of us that was so powerful men were crossing the street.
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I can't believe I'm going to say this but Dan Levy's new Big Brunch show is all the things that are deeply wonderful about early seasons of Great British Bake Off, but better. Gayer. More socially conscious. And absolutely zero Paul Hollywood.
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Some random number just texted me like “Why are you calling my boyfriend?” and I texted back all “I’m definitely a middle age married lesbian who only uses the phone to call my grandma. Also if your boyfriend is cheating on you, break up with him!!! This is a sign!”.
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Today I said “I’m gonna take an Uber to the vet” and my cat DARTED out of the room. I was like “How does she even know the word ‘vet’” and my wife turned her whole body to glare at me and said “Because she understands English????”.
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This mom at the coffee shop was like, “Look, Austin, they’ve got a brontosaurus on their hat.” And her four year old kid goes, “Uh, all we can tell from that level of detail is that it’s a sauropod.”
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Me: Hi, I’m sorry, but I need to reschedule my exam. I forgot my basketball team has an important game that day, so my eyes can’t be dilated. Optometrist: No problem! What basketball team do you play for?. Me: Oh. I… um… watch the WNBA… on TV.
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Me: Will you play Running Up That Hill?. Stacy: Are you gonna sing the real lyrics? Or are you gonna do Two Avocados?. Me: Real ones, I swear! .
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The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can't find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like "Wow, you are being so loud.".
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Seeing Alex Newell win a Tony in Lea Michelle's literal face is one of the greatest joys of my life.
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The sweetest sound in the world is that little trill cats do when they’re asleep and you touch them gently.
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Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
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Me, waking up, rolling over, smiling goofy: Good morning, my lov—. My wife: You are NEVER gonna believe what happened on the balance beam this morning. #Olympics.
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“Have a good day! See you Monday, Mrsrt—buddy. Hogan Buddy.” - Kevin as I was leaving.
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I just had a meeting with a wonderful woman from Arkansas but like two minutes into it I was like, “I’m about to shift into an incredibly southern accent. I’m not mocking you. My actual accent is fixin to meet yours. I can feel it percolating in my throat.”.
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Somebody asked what “my deal is” with cats, and: They’re little goblins that could absolutely kill you but instead they choose to sleep on your chest and vibrate at the exact correct frequency to lower your blood pressure and stress hormones! They’re perfect, is what my DEAL IS.
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I wrote abut getting COVID in the first wave of NYers in March and how I didn't get better really and have developed a disability. I feel very nervous about publishing this, but also grateful — for a million reasons — to be able to write it. #LongCOVID
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Thank you all for your support. Me and my ladybug, Bessie Coleman, made it out of the laundromat safe and sound.
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Nope. The dog is named Trudy. She meant actual mozzarella sticks.
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People who just now discovered how low WNBA salaries are are blowing my mind! Did you think Brittney Griner was spending half the year in Russia for the weather and good gay times?!?.
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Holllllly shit that Julianna Margulies podcast clip. Like the transcript is already fucking horrifying but the actual way she says all that racist shit with her full entire throat my fucking god. The way she said the word “Black” sent a chill up my spine, Jesus.
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My physical therapist has a small office just around the corner from my house, and every time I walk by/ride my bike, I wave or thumbs up or heart hands the security camera—and she just showed me a supercut of me doing it like 75 times in a row and asked if she can TikTok it. 😂.
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Oh wait hang on. I think Mozzarella Sticks is the name of their dog. Either way, a fine alternative.
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Oh my heckin heck this is the greatest email I have ever received in my life. “(On purpose)” ! ! ! . 😌
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As a person who rehearses every phone call and what I’ll say to the pharmacist while waiting in line and my Starbucks order all the way to the store, those posts just move me so much! 🥹.
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Why is Sandra Oh getting sexier and sexier every year she gets older? It’s unreal. In five years, I won’t even be able to look at her anymore. It’ll be like staring into the sun.
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I explained Jorts the Cat to my therapist, which also involved explaining Reddit and Twitter, and when I was done, she was like, “I hate to ask, but… does any of this have anything to do with TikTik?”.
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Nope. Most WNBA players ‘play overseas to get paid.’.
Most WNBA players ‘play overseas to get better’. Caitlin Clark ‘let me try my hand at going pro at golf’ . 😂😂😂🫶
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Be gay, if possible.
women who are 30+, please give one piece of advice to women who are 19 to 29 . it can be about anything 🫶🏽.
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The first doctor to tell me I didn’t have Long Covid because Long Covid doesn’t exist has now left the practice because she has… Long Covid.
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I turned on the TV and my wife sighed, “Who cares, what’s even on, not the Olympics.”.
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Nice to see that we're finally having a country-wide conversation about how COVID actually spreads, like every other country on earth did six to eight months ago, before 200,000 Americans died, now that the president has COVID.
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“Embracing.”.
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A guy was kicking at the fence where my neighbors’ dogs play. I walked by and was like “Hey! Stop that!” He said “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I pulled out my phone and said “A person with fifty thousand Twitter followers.” And I have never seen a grown man run so fast.
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I just took a misdelivered FedEx package to the correct apartment and the lady was like “THE HOME DEPOT DELIVERY MAN IS HERE!” and I was like “NO I’M JUST A LESBIAN IN AN ORANGE HAT!!!” and she was like “THE GAYS SAVE CHRISTMAS!” and I was like “THAT’S TRUE BYE!”
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@warnerblaster It’s lesbianer even than that: I would have known if she used to date my wife because my wife is friends with all her (truly wonderful, actually) exes!.
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Dr: What all have you tried?. Me: My regular migraine abortive, double that, Advil, Tylenol, weed, promising my beautiful voice to a voluptuous sea witch. Dr, suddenly very gay: GIRL NOT URSULA!.
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Waiting for my COVID and flu vax at the pharmacy and this man on line started something with me about my mask and then stepped up to the counter and ASKED FOR PAXLOVID.
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The weirdest thing about any of our cats is sometimes Dobby just… has money? I never know where it comes from. Last summer he had two ten-dollar bills! This morning, a full dollar nesting underneath his heating pad!
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One of the cats in my feral colony is only around sometimes so I know someone else is taking care of him too. Well! Last night, by complete accident, I met his other caretaker on Reddit — and we both call him the same name! TOES! We both call him TOES!.
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Happy Visibility Day, bisexuals! I hope you enjoy 1-3 iced coffees in your leather/jean jacket and score at least one (1) new tattoo while looking up pet adoption photos and sitting completely bananas in a chair! 💗💜💙.
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Remember in high school when you’d eat a bag of Cheetos and drink a Mountain Dew and then learn complicated Calculus, read Shakespeare, run two miles, do a science experiment, cry about a girl, memorize the Declaration of Independence, and it’d still only be like 11am?.
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I hope the TikTok punk who offered me a dollar for every current WNBA player I could name has learned a valuable lesson today.
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When you were a kid, what made you think someone was rich? For me it was if they had HBO and could watch Fraggle Rock, or a toaster with slots for four entire pieces of bread.
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Canvasser on the street: Good morning, do you have a minute to talk about what the Republican party can do for you?. Me: I would love to hear what you think the Republican party can do for me. Canvasser: *looks me up and down* . Me:. Canvasser: Okay, actually… never mind.
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Got into a kerfuffle with a guy on the sidewalk and his friend goes “Bro do not try another one of these masked dykes!” And it just made my day thinking there’s some kind of gaggle of COVID-conscious queers in my neighborhood out here wrecking random anti-maskers. :).
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I’m not sure there’s a more awkward conversation than the “Sorry, I love you but I can’t let you kill me” one that immunocompromised people are forced to keep having over and over and over and over and over.
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I just went to see how AfterEllen was taking yesterday’s news and they don’t exist anymore?!??? WHAT A GREAT DAY FOR QUEERDOM!.
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Today, 8 months after COVID, I slowly walked 2 blocks to Rite Aid today to pick up the prescriptions I need now every day. $150/month for meds. $200/month for Liquid IV, supplements, etc. Two blocks is my limit of walking for this week. Wear a mask, y'all. For everyone's sake.
I wrote abut getting COVID in the first wave of NYers in March and how I didn't get better really and have developed a disability. I feel very nervous about publishing this, but also grateful — for a million reasons — to be able to write it. #LongCOVID
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Lady at grocery store: I love your WNBA hat! My teenage daughter and her best-best friend are obsessed with the WNBA! They sleepover and watch every game together! Their favorite team is the Seattle Storm! They love Sue Bird! . Me: That sounds very wholesome.
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The first classic I read was Emma and about 1/3 of the way through I was like, “Wait is this just Clueless???” And that was the beginning of my journey to understanding that half of all movies are Jane Austen adaptations.
We talk a lot about classic books we hated; I want to hear about the ones you LOVED. Tell me about an experience where you picked up a classic and it melted your face with pleasure. Tell me about the funniest, strangest, scariest, saddest great books you ever read.
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My neighbor just told her little girl, "That's Heather. She has cats. Heather follows rules. See how Heather wears two masks." And I was like, "Oh wow this is what it's like to be a children's book character!".
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My wife was sent to the ER from urgent care this morning with suspected appendicitis and she’s been here all day, unable to eat, drink, see a doctor, or even get anyone to deal with her empty IV that now has blood in it, thanks to — guess what? — the Covid surge.
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A man wearing a KN95 passed by on the sidewalk on the other side of the street, spotted me and my KN95, and shouted “YES YOU BETTER MASK BITCH!” and man I hope he has the best day ever.
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Writing this did not feel real. My prayers are with her son, family, and friends. There is truly no way to describe the impact Santana Lopez had on queer culture and the world. It was — is — exponential. Santana was a revolution. Rest in peace, Naya.
Naya Rivera is dead at 33. Her body was recovered from Lake Piru today after a six-day search.
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Grocery store manager told me to take off my mask and I was like “Sure I’ll do that if you let the next person who walks in the door cough into your mouth.” He didn’t ask again. 😌
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Oh yeah? You hated the USWNT when they won? And now you hate them when they lose? Kinda seems like winning or losing is irrelevant and what you hate is women.
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Became the fifth leading scorer in WNBA history on an assist from. her wifey. I love this league!.
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Let me just say, as someone who got #LongCovid in the first wave of Covid in NYC in March 2020: You should let the fear of getting Long Covid ABSOLUTELY rule your life. Cause if you do get it, it will BECOME your life.
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When we yell at sports on TV, Quasar also yells because she likes to participate in chaos. The WNBA playoffs are absolute lesbian madness in this house.
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Of course the first comment at @justwsports on this USWNT kerfuffle is Megan Rapinoe egging them on. 😂
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“You got to be careful deploying Aubrey” is such a good quote and also a lesson she probably learned from watching Clea DuVall “deploy Aubrey” in Happiest Season and destroy the main queer couple on accident. 😂.
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A guy in a Knicks shirt passed me on the sidewalk and said "Sabrina's out tonight" even though I am not wearing a single piece of New York Liberty gear, which goes to show you how much lesbianism is radiating off of me at all times always.
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Word about me having COVID spread around my hometown and I guess sent a lot of people from high school to my social media, from which I have now received the greatest correspondence of my life.
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I felt not-sick today for the first time since I got COVID in March. My heart and lungs acted normal, I didn’t get too fatigued to function, I was able to read hundreds of pages of a book and cook two meals from scratch. I know it’s just one good day, but dang, it was nice!.
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"She's gay! SHE'S GAY!!!" - me, a 44-year-old lesbian running up the stairs and bursting into the bedroom to tell my wife about a fictional character.
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Yeah, I can’t *control* the racists and TERFS that come into my orbit either, but I still have a *responsibility* to speak against them. Deliberate obtuseness also doesn’t absolve you of complicity in white supremacy. Basketball — especially the WNBA — isn’t played in a vacuum.
#IndianaFever’s Caitlin Clark on her name being weaponized in non-sports topics:. “It’s not something I can control. … And to be honest, I don’t see a lot of it.”. “People can talk about what they want to talk about. … I’m just here to play basketball.”. Qs by @JimTrotter_NFL
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When all my friends started liking boys and I couldn’t figure out why, I did this thing where I’d always just pick the tallest boy in whatever group and say I had a crush on him. Reason: He’s tall? And it worked. People believed me. Because I’m tall. Anyway my wife is 5’1”.
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