Owl! at the Library 😴🧙♀️
@SketchesbyBoze
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quality tweets for the old soul • fairy-tales, beauty, wholesome whimsy • @wren_and_paper & Dickens lover • •
writing a book for Unbound
Joined September 2013
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People tend to think of classics as being “boring,” but we wouldn’t keep reading them for hundreds of years if we didn’t love them.
Let me introduce you to some FUN classics:
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2016: it’s only four years, how bad can it get
2021: are the armed insurrectionists storming the Capitol aware that there is a plague ravaging the land
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call me controversial but I think we need to go back to having beds in nooks
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Agatha Christie had a habit of studying things so intensely that she accidentally became an expert. One time she asked an archeologist, “Who is the world’s leading authority on Mesopotamian pottery? I need to ask them a question.”
The archeologist said, “YOU are.”
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stop glamorizing “the Grind” and start glamorizing whatever this is
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kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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life is full of horrors but sometimes you see a baby hummingbird sipping from a raspberry
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you want some good news from 2018? I bet you do
• book sales are up this year over last year
• sales of physical books have grown every year since 2013
• indie bookstores have increased by 35 percent in the past decade
reading isn’t dying, it’s *thriving.* happy new year.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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my girlfriend regularly tells me “if free public libraries didn’t already exist and someone tried to invent them, they would be condemned as a socialist plot” and I think about that a lot.
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hoping to encourage tourism, Scotland placed a couple of Shetland ponies in sweaters and it might be the best promotional campaign ever
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no one dresses better than the starling in her cloak of many stars
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now I'm falling asleep
and she's calling a crab
and they're having a smoke
and he's wearing a hat
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we love Edgar Allan Poe because he portrays universal human emotions like loss, grief, unrequited love, burying your enemy alive in the cellar and being scared out of your mind by a bird.
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I don’t want to “have a mortgage” or “pay utilities” I want to be a rose finch
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People say, “Why were there no autistic people in the past?” but then you read biographies of famous scientists or poets who were deemed “eccentric” and “struggled socially” and “their families thought they were possessed by demons”
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whenever I'm depressed I remember the penguin in a Penguin Books sweater
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me at 16: I want to see my face on TV! I want to be a legend!
me now: I want to be a Gnome with a tiny shop in the woods where I cobble shoes. I’ll ride a goose to work and sip rain from an acorn mug, and my only worry is will there be enough pies for the name-day feast.
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this is the kind of relationship I aspire to, this is peak love
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I don’t want to get a “real job” I want whatever she has
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Dolly Parton didn't spend her millions on vanity space travel, she's spent it putting 150 million books in the hands of children and honestly, more people should be like Dolly.
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stop shaming people for reading kids’ books. adult books are about sad people having affairs while kids’ books have a magic tree house or a worm driving an apple. you tell me who’s winning
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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boomers: millennials are *immoral* and only think about themselves
millennials: *sweating* would fleeing into the woods lower my environmental impact? am I supporting CEOs who are jerks to women? will I go to the Bad Place for drinking almond milk
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sex on your wedding night:
• awkward
• disappointing
un-tying the ribbon around your neck, causing your head to fall to the floor:
• unexpected
• Goth as hell
• honeymoon prank for the ages
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my freshman year of high school, the star football player died in a tragic accident and I kept seeing his ghost around campus and the ghost would say hello to me, and not until years later did I learn he had a twin brother
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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ROALD DAHL: so, this book is about a chocolate factory—
PUBLISHER: and it’s magic?
DAHL: no, it murders children
PUBLISHER: …
DAHL: just *slaughters* these kids,
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sorry I haven’t texted you back in a month. the old world is dying and the new one struggles to be born. now is the time of monsters.
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“why is everyone suddenly being diagnosed with autism—” because in the past no one knew about autism, and we were literally thought to be faerie children who had snuck into human homes and taken the place of ordinary children
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in college I had two classics professors who were married and would speak to each other in ancient Greek, and I think the secret of a lasting relationship is being joyously unhinged together.
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did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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I’ve never been owned harder than the time I texted my best friend, “having a crisis because I used to think I was in Gryffindor but I might be a Hufflepuff??” and he texted back “my wife just went into labor.”
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everyone talks about Leo's performance in Romeo + Juliet but y'all slept on Harold Perrinau's Mercutio
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it's the end of the week and maybe you need to see a bitty otter bowl
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everyone says “you’ll settle down and get married and lose your enthusiasm for your special interests” but *what if* you marry someone who’s equally deranged and your enthusiasms DOUBLE
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my only resolution for the new year is to become her
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“women are ruining sci-fi!!!” first of all, your genre was *invented* by a 17-year-old girl, she made love on her mother’s grave and kept her late husband’s calcified heart on her desk but sure, your wizard-space-fantasy is so badass,
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stop glamorizing being a go-getter and start glamorizing a bed nook
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saying you were a c-section baby:
• boring
• conversation-killer
saying “I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripp’d”:
• dramatic
• metal as hell
• can defeat Macbeth in single combat, as the prophecy foretold
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when I say I want improved public transportation, this is what I have in mind
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“hot girl summer” is canceled, get ready for “old lady spring”: we’re staying indoors watching Bake-Off, wearing increasingly colorful cardigans, and solving the occasional crime in our retirement village
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merry large boulder the size of a small boulder day to all who celebrate
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people say “Lord of the Rings has gone woke” but *Tolkien himself* had a woman secretly dressed in battle array whip off her helmet and cry “No living man am I!” just before slaying the Witch-King and no one raised a word in protest.
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I don't want a career I want to be a sleepy lamb carried around by donkeys
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"no, officer, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. yes, I'm terribly worried"
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“No one wants to hear about your special interest—” I do. Tell me all about how the Appalachians are older than Saturn’s Rings or how the invention of the compass led to the atomic bomb. Life is so brief and the world is so big and we have to learn from each other.
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There’s a common thread linking the decline in humanities majors, Hollywood paying its writers pennies and the tech world wanting all writers and painters to be replaced by machines. We’ve entirely forgotten how essential the arts and literature are to a healthy society.
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your regular reminder that Adrian Shine, the head of the Loch Ness Monster discovery project, looks just as you'd expect
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Miss Marple didn't start solving crimes until her sixties. Arwen was 2,770 when she married Aragorn. Legolas joined the Fellowship when he was 2,931. there's time for you.
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my favorite genre of photograph is “dogs who are about to send you on a mystical quest.”
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after a year of isolation we deserve a Frog and Toad summer
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Let’s cancel this idea that it’s cool to be “detached” and uncaring. It’s good to love things, it’s good to be invested in others, it’s good to embrace your enthusiasms passionately and without shame.
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier
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everyone should be given one of these at the age of sixteen in lieu of a car
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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Terry Pratchett once rang up a friend and said, “I’m exhausted! I need a break. I’m taking a six-month sabbatical.”
Six months later his friend asked him, “Hey, how’d your sabbatical go?”
Terry said, grumpily, “I wrote two books.”
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boys: I bet when women get together they talk about sex a lot, huh
women: if I start working out and grow a garden in my back yard, will I be able to survive on my own when climate change renders the earth uninhabitable
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it's Wednesday and maybe you need to see some baby otters
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hot girl summer is over, get ready for goblin boy fall. we’re making crystals with our hands, we’re transforming into owls, we’re falling in love with a lady and stealing her brother away to live in our kingdom underground.
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Knives Out made almost 300 million at the box office so the age of superheroes is officially over. Gather up your magnifying glasses, fake moustaches and little old ladies, it’s murder time babes.
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there have always been autistic people, we were called “old souls” or “a bit odd” or “a pleasure to have in class” or “you should really consider joining the priesthood”
So many kids are being diagnosed w autism these days what’s up w that
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In 1976, a one-year-old girl in London was suffering from a mysterious illness. The nurses, who had read Agatha’s novel The Pale Horse, quickly discerned that she was suffering from thallium poisoning. The book’s descriptions of the poison saved the girl’s life.
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gender-neutral things to call your partner:
• old sport
• honey bun
• raccoon slut
• eldritch horror
• mad sea captain
• the abomination that causes desolation
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you need to be hobbit-maxxing. you should be eating big breakfasts and making dramatic exits from parties. you need to be growing potatoes and drinking ale. you need to be smoking with wizards
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writing professors will tell you “completely evil characters are unrealistic” and then you meet people who are like “children should work in the mines for a crust of bread” or “we could lower the marginal tax rate if we burned down the libraries”
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Some of you still carry the wounds of being mistreated by parents or partners. I hope you know that not everyone is annoyed with you, not everyone is upset with you, not everyone is rooting for you to fail. Grant yourself the same kindness you give to others.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
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it’s twenty-eighteen and being smugly uncaring is out. being passionate and fascinated and invested in others and shamelessly enjoying what you love is in.
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who wants to visit the dusky bookstore with me
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hot girl summer is ending, Toad-in-bed winter approaches
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“Colin Firth is the best Darcy” “Matthew McFayden is the best Darcy” you’re all forgetting someone
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He’s an alcoholic writer brought back from the dead. She’s the world’s most beloved musician.
Together this unlikely duo must stop a madman before he kills again… this fall in NINE TO DIE.
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J. R. R. Tolkien: this axe has a 2,000-year history which I will now share
C. S. Lewis: Father Christmas charging into battle alongside the Greek god of wine and *spins bingo wheel* a minotaur
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it’s incredible how many of our problems boil down to “the wealthiest people aren’t getting taxed at the rates we used to tax them, and middle-class living standards and investment in public goods are collapsing as a result.”
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People ask, “why don’t teens hang out in person anymore?” but surely part of the reason is that no one wants to risk being gunned down because they happened to be at the wrong bowling alley / church event / shopping mall.
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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have you ever read a novel where you came across a line so perfect, so psychologically astute and true and resonant, that it blew your hair back
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all the people saying it's fine if the elderly die and I keep thinking about this, from Ray Bradbury
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remake Harry Potter with an all-muppet cast but have Severus Snape played by Adam Driver
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a twenty-year-old woman told me she had never heard “Mr Brightside” and my ancient body crumbled into dust like a character in a fairy-tale escaping the faerie realm after 300 years.
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instructor: and what does the green light represent?
me: the decadence and futility of the American dream
instructor: this is a driver's exam
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Too many of us have tried to tone down our weirdness for friends or partners, only to later learn that we were suppressing the best things about us. There’s no joy like the joy of being your strange self and finding that there are people who love you for it.
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weird how you never see those “return to tradition” accounts talking about the dazzling beauty of Islamic architecture
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owls walking always look like they're headed straight to the headmaster to report you for insubordination
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why does it look like seven Ministry of Magic wizards are trying to cast Stunning spells to take down Mitch at the same time
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lockdown, day one: this is probably fine, I never liked going out much
day 380:
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this cat just wanted to live a quiet life in the village, until a string of grisly murders called her out of retirement.
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GOING OUT TO BARS:
• dangerous
• are you out of your mind
SECLUDING YOURSELF AT HOME IN A TATTERED WEDDING DRESS PLOTTING REVENGE ON ALL MEN:
• weirdly hot
• no one gets infected
• he will live to regret the day he broke your heart
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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don't 👏 call it 👏a fairy-tale 👏 wedding 👏 unless 👏 a mysterious 👏 old 👏 lady 👏 curses 👏 your firstborn
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capitalism: you 👏 can be 👏 any 👏 thing 👏 you 👏 wanna 👏 be
me: can I be an artist and make enough money to buy food
capitalism: lol nah
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asking “have you taken your meds?”:
• condescending
• rude
saying “this potion will help you on your quest!”:
• exciting
• makes mental health seem like a grand adventure
• suggests that you are an old man in a cave whose help is crucial to rescuing Princess Zelda
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