RT @dietz_meredith: my dad said the word “frogger” and i cut him off to go “i hardly know her” and he sighed big and went “just…stop. stop….

RT @daddygofish: me: did you have fun on your playdate?. my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with th….

[@average_dad1]

Welcome to parenthood. When the baby is napping, you should be napping. When the baby is eating, you should be eating. When the baby is crying, you should be crying. Good luck out there, champ.

RT @TheJoelWillis: I shot a video for @thedad and someone asked in the comments "how many tries did the toss into the bag take?". Anyway La….

Starting to think that leaving this kid behind wasn't an accident.

RT @thedad: My favorite annual holiday tradition is being completely blown away by how loud the volume is when my parents watch TV.

I overheard a coworker ranking holiday movies and had “Love, Actually” at No. 1 and “Christmas Vacation” not on the list. I can’t tell if this person is intentionally trolling us all or if this is a "I'm so sorry about your traumatic brain injury" situation.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”.

Grocery shopping is harder than usual, because your goal is to stock up to limit your trips, but your kids' goal is to consume everything in one sitting like it’s a TV show eating challenge.

RT @thedad: Dads don't take Christmas decorating. lightly

Took my kids to meet Santa (free) but they were charging $40 for photos, like I’m not carrying my own camera in my pocket. And sure, they said no phones, but what are they gonna do? Santa ain't gonna break character with a huge line watching like that.

The day after Thanksgiving is even better than the actual holiday, because you get to have another full Thanksgiving meal without worrying what your weird uncle is going to say next.

People need to stop acting like leftovers are a given. My cousin (who didn’t cook shit) showed up at Thanksgiving with three of his own giant Tupperware containers so he could pillage before anyone even grabs seconds. Feel like grandma should send him a bill for that.

Giving my guests all of the leftover meat to take home with them this year because I'm quitting cold turkey.

Ah yes, my favorite Thanksgiving tradition - pretending to be extremely invested in football to avoid getting involved in whatever argument my family has chosen this year.

Watching my kids make friends with everyone at the playground

Trying to think of something my wife can get me for Christmas because I'm an adult and I just buy the things that I want throughout the year

My kid just told me she has a project due tomorrow so I’m helping her the same way I did it when I was her age (I’m calling my mom).

There actually is a war on Christmas and I’m not even kidding. I have a real tree and my neighbor saw me setting it up so he FREAKED OUT, shouting stuff like “hey that’s from my yard” and “you can’t cut down my trees!” and it’s like bro, let me do the holiday my way.