my dad just texted "can you give me a call" so either he wants to say hi or my whole family is dead. could be both

just did barbenheimer alone in my apartment! turns out none of the joy or meaning or memory came from the shared communal in-person experience. turns out it was about being on my phone while a movie plays in the background all along

i always blot the oil off my pizza. and then as a reward for being so healthy, i allow myself to eat that simply scrumptious oily napkin

i don't care if you're eating fish or steak or whatever... you pair red wine with feeling sexy and white wine with feeling slutty

im bisexual but it's centaur style. like my top half is gay and my lower half is straight. and also a horse

brought to you by an old notes app titled "drug dogs but for polyamory"

so excited to meet up later! do you mind if i bring my dog...? i've trained her to sniff out people who are secretly poly and hunt down their primaries

can uber/lyft make an “anything but a tesla” option. politics aside, i’ve just never ever been in a tesla without getting carsick

guys, please cut your landlords some slack. have you ever talked with one? obviously it is their very first day on earth, every day, on a loop, forever

i wanna be…in THIS hoi polloi…

stole my sister's dog's meat-flavored gummies. sorry biscuit. auntie needs to send herself into a pork-flavored state of nonverbal delirium

to everyone else checking their phone to get a moment of respite from family time today: hey :) i see you :) you’re too woke and your dad genuinely hates ur ass

thanksgiving is all about reconnecting. less with my dad, more with the role mayonnaise can play in a healthy diet

this is my personal pet sematary experience

NEW QUORATORS w/ the wonderful @dietz_meredith! → What are the arguments against human trafficking? → Is Donald Trump a real life version of Gandalf? He certainly fits all the attributes. → When does gangstalking end? AND MORE! GO LISTEN: https://t.co/f30tBtE9Qv

just watched a man riding shotgun feed forkfuls of spaghetti to the woman driving. send this to someone who doesn’t love you hard enough

apropos of nothing, if i learned one thing from being anorexic, it’s that eating barely enough calories for a newborn baby will have you acting like, ya know, a newborn baby

mfw to be a woman is to perform

if a man calls you a bitch, that probably doesn't mean anything. if another woman calls you a bitch? you might actually be a bitch. and if a true bitch calls you a bitch? well... (jeff foxworthy voice) you might be a cunt

“my eyes are up here” okay??? im looking at your balls????????

yeah yeah a lot of tweets should’ve just been a text. but sometimes i get a text in the chat that should’ve just been a tweet man bc i am not gonna give you the external validation you’re after