Riz
@sparklingpiss
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866
Following
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Statuses
60,682
manic pixie nightmare girl - twinned with @emowag420
Joined November 2010
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‘oh it’s such a weird age right all your friends are getting married and having kids’… uhhhh no my friends are djing in europe and enjoying poppers and booking filler consultations and going to italy with their boyfriends maybe reassess your circle x
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@princesslivs_
hahahahah the fact that the previous convo is him trying to move to you and you saying no, and he don’t DRIIIIIVE!!!??!!! why’s she mad 😭😂
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nothing and I mean NOTHING on this godforsaken cesspit we call 'the Internet' is funnier than this
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@PaulDock93
this is one of those things that if aliens came here it would take hours to explain to them
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i so vividly remember my mum getting this book as a joke present and i read this shit cover to cover and then worried about whether it had any bad effects on me but now i understand that it made me the skinny, slaggy legend you have all come to know and love 💕
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@townsendyesmate
why do i feel like you added the ‘im not scared’ bit for the spiders to read
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just made this can’t believe they got rid of sexy joe he was the only reason to watch the apprentice this year fr
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@uncooljerk
i also just have this thing where i’m like if one party was old enough to have sex before when the other was only just BORN then………. that’s weird
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@MeganBitchell
irrelevant to your skit i know but i kinda NEED to know what bras you’re rockin with because i need help and you look supported
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Jacob Elordi is going to play Evil Elvis brilliantly. he is so good at playing unstable spoilt man baby. it will be excellent. This will, in no way (for me anyway), detract from Austin Butler’s STUNNING little-boy-lost Elvis that he did sooo flawlessly
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@PaulDock93
my friends ex boyfriend was probably a size 7-8 but bought size 11 shoes and his uncle squeezed the toe once to prove nothing was there and he got so embarrassed that he almost cried at a dinner table in front of everyone
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pov you’re meeting your step-son for the first time on a low quality zoom call
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when you really cba with citing your 'sources' because you just know what you're talking about
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i talk about/watch
@thenoelmiller
so much that my boyfriend is considering signing up for his patreon - ladies and gentlemen, a VIRTUAL cuck
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lmao just walked past a group of boys that were max age 11 all wearing trackies coming out the kebab shop and one of them was talking about another boy they knew saying ‘the things he says about gay people are disgusting, we live in BRIGHTON it’s like grow up’ - legends
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already seen a few tweets about how quirky and zany you all are for choosing to dress up as an avocado instead of a slag for halloween and i just want to say this yeah i’m just getting my whole pussy out this year and you will never be that quirky and zany so suck my nutz
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how many women do you think Sam Pepper edited out because they said something along the lines of 'who the fuck do you think you are' to him
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whoa, they managed to condense desperation for your dad to come back into a SMELL? i'm blown away
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Britain’s got talent is still going and simon cowell look like this now
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‘someone on tiktok said’ have you guys stepped foot outside of the house… ever… had any experiences… and then developed your own thoughts? like you know your brain has the ability to think also right? scared!
Someone on Tik Tok said how play-fighting with your man will make you realize how helpless you'd be in a real situation with a man intentionally using his physical strength to overpower you.
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@LILBTHEBASEDGOD
is so unafraid of criticism and generally speaks with outward kindness and tbh we could all learn a lot from that
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this is fucking insane. have been a fan since Eric by the way. just incredible success for an incredible guy
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did this train announcer just say Eggham, is there an actual place called Eggham, nah fuck off I'm dreaming. fucking Eggham?
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thank you for your time x
sick of men, where are all the hot funny gorgeous women?? please reveal yourselves with a thirst trap on this fine saturday
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how to look like a late 1950's housewife called Marlena who's addicted to prescription pills, drinking, and cheating on her husband Rodger
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how is she still so beaut in the second one tho girls are angels man i love this lol this is modern art
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ppl really didn’t expect The Last Dinner Party girls to be privately educated?
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this is the outfit i’m wearing to the minions rise of gru premier what do you guys think?
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i hate these boys talking about 'all girls do is eat chicken nuggets and nap 😂' yeah and all you do is lie and cheat what's your point pal
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big shouts out to myself for being THE MOST extra about The Great Gatsby theme at work tonight
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I'm in a really ranty mood today sorry but yeah I just had to say this
http://t.co/TxozAeK140
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"Where you from?"
"Wiltshire"
"Where's that?"
"You ever heard of Stonehenge"
"Yeah"
"Yeah, there"
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what you said: i just don’t see the need to ‘celebrate’ a day for women
what i heard: my dick is 4 inches at full pump and it’s ugly too
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i am so so delighted congrats to Frida the beautiful mama and Taquito the OG
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just seen a girl post a thirst trap when the football’s on… bless her you’ll see no likes on that babe! think more strategic
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donating eggs is a medical procedure that can be painful and requires a recovery period - we also have a finite amount of eggs
u bois nut BY ACCIDENT in ya sleep - don’t ask for SHIT
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*taps microphone* 'uh can whoever fucked my aunt last night move their bike from the hallway it's blocking my bedroom door thanks'
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last night a girl asked aaron if she could buy him a shot and he said ‘i have a girlfriend’ and she said ‘ok bring her over i’ll buy her one as well’ and proceeded to buy us £22 worth of sambuca and that ladies and gentlemen is
#class
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anyone else's blood boil when people say 'oh god i was there last year' about terrorist targeted places? like, irrelevant?
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@PaulDock93
‘Nick became someone that I did not agree to marry’ - girls after seeing their bf get sauce on the corner of their mouth
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am I doing it right? am I a hoe now? a certified hoe? do I get a certificate or am I too late?
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i just sense that she ordered an embarrassingly complicated coffee with no manners in front of his normal barista
The pain of being human really weighs so heavily on Ben Affleck.
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1 in 6 kids in poverty? let's cut their parents benefits & change the definition of poverty so my champagne doesn't taste so much like guilt
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me: 'I'm a pressure worker, I work best when it's almost the deadline'
*me when it's almost the deadline*
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that scene in elvis where he is performing for the first time and girls in the audience start just randomly shrieking. never has their been a better in cinema portrayal of what hysterical female libido feels like - being so swept up in mania for a boy you just SCREAM. so iconic.
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@neveepalmer
that’s why it says any gender not anyone - gender is the bit that’s an identity choice
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i know this pic is going to be really shocking to everyone that doesn’t know i’m 4 foot 11 irl but it’s time i came clean
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I call this one 'Claire, mother of 2 boys, fresh divorced from her rich husband, hurting but looking better for it'
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this is me on a night out: hair ruined, titty almost out, nasally yelling 'it's Britney, bitch'
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guess who’s officially got a First Class Degree BITCH it’s ME hahahaha hahahahahahaha
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made a joke last night about how when you’re a girl your dad is supposed to pay for your wedding and my step dad was like ‘well you better go and fucking find him then’ - absolutely savage
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ive got kinder bars and tampax in my bag, guess which one i picked up without looking and tried to open with my mouth in front of a customer
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my dad really called to say ‘sorry i can’t be there for your graduation’ as if he hasn’t also missed the last 7 years of my actual life - ok genius no worries
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