Girl, you’ve got the face of an aardvark. Maybe sit this one out with your political views.

puke and rally, but it’s just you reading the news, throwing up and trying to find the will to keep going

Too many 14 like tweets on the feed making me uncomfortable

"it's leg day," as i wrap em round your neck and squeeze.

Hoping you get to unwrap some common sense for Christmas.

[DMing random women] I'm 5'11

WANTED: a beautiful slut with a pretty AND delicious stench trench to shove a slice of anisette toast or two in her fuck hole and rock it like tampon while she cums repeatedly. Then and only then will we sixty-nine until her jaw and my stomach are full. No weirdos.

It’s almost like I warned you three years ago.

If you could do one thing to me, what would it be?

In Iowa it takes exactly 4 hours to thaw after stepping outside for two minutes.

delivering your little rewards

*hangs mistletoe over your fupa*

I'm at the age where catching up with friends just means discussing all of our health issues.

Goodnight moon “Goodnight drunk raccoon”

you won't stay in your own lane, mind your own life, be up in your own business, that's why you're so unhappy.

Yeah, I'm just gonna re-mute you. You're more of bitch then me.

I'm sexy if you're into smoked meats.

What base is it when you buy sports gear from her alma mater?

Let me help you play your cards wrong

Never argue with a woman when she’s hungry. Or alive

i put the pro in procrastinating. eventually