Today’s dispatch from Dystopia:

Pure gold from @ScottAdamsSays .

This is British investigative reporting at its finest looks like.

They sentenced Maduro to a six hour podcast with Lex Fridman.

Not everyday you see trump move an immigrant INTO the country

If you only do one new thing in 2026, let it be this, from @HadleyFreeman in Sunday’s @thetimes

Part of growing up is realising that there actually ISN’T a big enjoyable NYE party everyone else is going to and everyone else is as miserable as you and you just might be able to host a small enjoyable one in your house if you have a few close friends in the area.

At the risk of igniting a firestorm of rage, invective, death threats etc., may I wish you all a happy new year?

Fare thee well, MetroCard!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

If I see someone on a bicycle in late December I assume they have at least three DUIs

Don't forget your Beef fizz this Christmas.

Breathes there a man with soul so dead that he would select the cherries on the left?

Jake paul went down easier than a Venezuelan drug boat

From “Forever and a Day”, authorised Bond novel by Anthony Horowitz: “The waiters were all professionals who had chosen their profession. They were deferential but not servile, moving silently between the tables with the food and the wine, never drawing attention to themselves”

Been real hard to make ends meet at the artisanal chocolate shop my uncle left me, here in Squirrel Falls. Luckily I can make a few extra bucks driving a cab. Have to pick up a fancy big-city lady from the bank tomorrow, at the train station. Gonna wear my best flannel shirt.

Truth.

Apparently the job interviewer doesn’t like it when your biggest weakness is beautiful latinas

You gotta get out when the heat is around the corner, our kid.

After 48 hours in Tallinn, I have learned that the Estonian for “bar” is “baar”. Follow me for more language tips ‘n’ tricks.