I have been honoured to receive a letter from President Donald Trump. It reads: HIGH MIKE. I AM SO PLEASE TWO BEE ABEL TO RIGHT TO YOU. ASS AN IMPOTENT CONSERVATIVE POLITICIAN I HOPE EYE CAN COUNT ON YOU & YOURE PARTY TO SPORT MY ACTIONS IN THE WORE AGAINST IRON. THINK YOU, DON X

‘Everyone place your hands on the person whose trousers smell of excrement.’

I’m not a fan of Starmer, but whatever he does – literally whatever he does - he is ripped apart, ripped to shreds, by the telegraph, Mail, express, Sun, spectator, the very same people who installed Boris Johnson and the appalling Liz Truss. The same people who installed the

Ah how I long for the pancake days of old. Not pancakes flavoured with cardamom, hot honey or miso. But good old fashioned ones made of eggs, coal & dust. And do you remember when a young Margaret Thatcher & a group of young Tories chased a French crêpe out of Kent? Happy days!🇬🇧

Jill in the village shop says she’s thinking of defecating to Reform. She has started baking Clacton Baps, told us London has fallen & keeps asking for the migration status of every customer. She says Dubai is where she longs to be as she is a committed Christian. WHAT DO I DO?😱

@GBPolitcs

Dear diary My first week as chief security officer at the Louvre Was jolly exciting.

👇 Well done Scotland! 🤣🤣🤣

FAO President Trump! Simple Sally who works in Jill’s village shop says Paracetamol causes autism. She also says sour milk causes plague. Eating mud can freeze your brain. Touching moths gives you fungus. Sniffing hay can make you incontinent & eating apple pips cures deafness.🤪

Suzu tells of a violent confrontation with her drunk husband – but why is he like this? Listen in full to our new short story @ https://t.co/HCe8cov9uy #audiodrama #audiofiction #stories #shortstory #podcasts #podcasters #drama #plays #spokenword #podcast

Death is under the apple blossom in “Fallout”: our new #audio short story now up @ https://t.co/gGRD12ssp8 & on all #podcast channels #audiodrama #audiofiction #stories #shortstory #podcasts #podcasters #drama #plays #spokenword

If Reform UK really want to ‘Stop the boats’ maybe they could deploy Andrea Jenkyns to the cliffs of Dover and get her to sing. I can’t think of a greater deterrent available in the UK today. #PoliticsLive #pmqs

‘You, Boy! This is actually NOT my house, It’s my girlfriend’s. I misspoke.’

‘It’s from Nigel. He’s sent me a photo of his special guest speaker at the Reform Party Conference next week…’

Claire,the Marxist nurse in the village, says she’s off to Cardiff tonight to watch Oasis. I just can’t see the appeal of this Mancunian heavy metal band led by yob brothers Gary & Phil Neville. They simply copy The Beatles, take drugs & fleece their fans with overpriced tickets.

@MichaelTakeMP They all look like members of the same family Sir M! Or maybe aspiring to look like this poster boy? I’d keep a wide girth if I were you!

Andrea Jenkyns should also sack: People with foreign accents Trans everybody Bearded teachers Ange Postecoglou The BBC Justin Beaver The RNLI Naga Ronnie Pickering Chaka Demus and Pliers Wrap musicians Vegans Cyclists Prince Harry All moths David Lummy The NHS Fisherthem Lulu. 💪

I see Penny Mordaunt has a new job…

Possible new leaders of The Reform Party: Alf Garnett Ron Atkinson Soapie Conkers Biggins A large potato Morrissey Arthur Lowe Dan Wooden Julia Fartley -Screwer The fat dad from that ‘On The Beach’ commercial Dame Andrea Jeggings Moist bread Gregg Wallace A flea Prince Andrew. 🇬🇧

“Gonna be listening to this every December!” People enjoy our Dickensian #Xmas audio 2-hander – here’s a clip from the less well-known one. Now @ https://t.co/Uzncd2IWHc #Yuletide #Dickens #audio #stories #storytelling #CharlesDickens #Christmas2024 #MerryChristmas #Christmastime