me: lol fuck amy schumer that dumbass fat broad.[everyone gets mad].me: I mean, fuck amy schumer that dumbass fat WHITE broad.[everyone smiles pleasantly].

RT @chiweethedog:

if you take the plastic top off these tubes and touch them while they're on it sends 450 volts through your body killing you instantly 😊

absolute colossal punisher of a customer at the bar right now, this sounds like I'm making it up but he's sitting at the bar currently showing my coworker videos of Primus and Les Claypool on his phone right now.

83 year old regular at the bar fell over on Tuesday, got him on a chair, he passed out & was snoring, then had no pulse, shit & pissed himself, ambulance came and took him away, didn't show up Wednesday, Thursday and he came in and had his regular 4 beers, salute to a real one.

hey man, can you please stop saying "the small dog yelps out in pain as the lion rapes" when you're beating my girlfriend in smash bros, it's making us all uncomfortable.

RT @len0killer: New Suicide Boys album out. Big day for your friend who died in 2018.

RT @GeebMinister: I can’t even imagine what kinda stanky shit he must’ve been laying down in order to make this face

one of the funniest bits is drug addict lying, like you could find them faced down asleep in a burrito bowl and if you ask them if they got high they will flat out go "nah" while they have sour cream in their hair.

my favorite bit to do lately is telling my group chat I came home early and walked in on my roommate spreading his ass and looking at his own butthole in the mirror.

[coming into work after having my coworkers add me on steam and seeing my name was set to "CUM PIG SLAVE"] good morning team.

ex gf posted an instagram story saying she bought a movie for $5 on youtube now all my friends are claiming i'm a bad boyfriend cause I never taught her how to torrent.

one of my favorite things to do as a landlord is just hanging out & chopping it up about music in the living room with my tenant, cool that his rent goes towards my hifi system and I think he appreciates that.

RT @Nick_Cerveza: Colonel Parker (Walton Goggins): Elvis we gon make you a star, boy. Every teenage girl in the country gon have her beaver….

RT @tonyhawktruther: Last fm friday 🙌🏻

has a rapper ever done a mixtape called like "I sell cocaine and cocaine accessories" and the cover art is black hank hill.

RT @TrueAnonPod: I watch such videos for 14 hours a day

RT @AdsoOfBelk: Found a guy on marketplace who puts AI-generated orcs into his furniture listings?

RT @nopoweradeinusa: if I was a drug dealer my bit would be whenever someone bought anything from me I'd make them sit in my car & be all "….