(((Nicole Aimée Schreiber)))
@nicoleaimee
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Nicole Aimée Schreiber
Joined March 2008
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Pinned Tweet
I was supposed to go to a sex party tonight, but I cancelled because of the
#coronavirus
. I never thought the flu was going to be the worst thing I could catch in an orgy.
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A gentle reminder that it’s okay to not be okay, so don’t wait till the darkness consumes you. Please talk to someone. You aren’t annoying. You aren’t a burden. You aren’t depressing. You aren’t weak. You are in pain and that’s as real as any other disease.
#MentalHealthDay2018
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My amazing father has died. I flew in on the red eye and I made it just in time to say goodbye. He waited for me and now he’s finally free. Send my mom and brother some love if you know them. Send me some too.
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I need to stop calling my period "egg drop soup."
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Not sure why guys are so into eating ass these days when most of them can barely eat pussy.
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If you haven’t accidentally shit your pants while trying to fart, then I can’t date you. How can I trust you to take a chance on me when you haven’t even taken a chance on yourself?
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Not sure how Gen Z will feel about this, but I like to wear my labia side parted in skinny jeans.
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My mom just carved the turkey using only the tension in the room.
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I know 7 people in Los Angeles with Covid. All of them were playing it very safe by limiting their exposure to people and always wearing a mask. So, NO, I do not want to come to your backyard Thanksgiving.
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2018 was the year I had diarrhea on the side of the road in a Tahoe snowstorm and then made eye contact with my friend while baby wiping my asshole. Then the next day I did standup comedy for 1,500 people. Then the next day I worked at Costco.
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Not every joke I write will be a winner and I’m lucky to have so many men on Twitter to let me know when that happens.
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I love when men on dating apps say they aren’t looking for a pen pal. Oh I’m sorry sir, I just wanted to get a better idea of how awful you are before committing to sitting across from you for an extended period of time.
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With just one edible, 1/2 a valium, and 1/2 a flexerol, you too can forget that your mom is never going to change or love you as you are.
(Don’t fucking @ me that you’re concerned. I’m fine you pussies.)
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I’m pretty sure I just witnessed a girl weigh herself before and after taking a shit at the gym. Would it be weird if I asked her to be my best friend?
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Tonight, in my dad’s hospital room, I watched my mom hand-feed him his puréed dinner. No joke here. Life is fucking wild, so find yourself a real one who will spoon feed you nasty-ass baby food on your darkest days.
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Therapist: Do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be happy?
Me: What if being right IS what makes me happy?
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I rrrrrrrrrrrrrreally want to have sex with Shia LaBeouf.
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This is the first holiday where refusing to go home makes me a hero instead of a bad daughter.
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My dad has been dead for 6 months and I’m just starting to go through voicemails/messages/texts that people sent when he died. Fuck. Grief is a motherfucker.
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While “Squid Game” is a great title, I’m bummed that no one considered calling it, “Crazy Poor Asians.”
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So I’m watching
@AmericanIdol
for the first time since season 1.
@katyperry
is a national treasure. If you’re an artist of any kind, you need to hear her inspirational words of encouragement for each performer. KATY I AM FOREVER YOUR FAN. ❤️
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Cardi B is empowering women too much. She has stay at home moms thinking they got haters.
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If I told my crush that I liked him and he did not reciprocate, do I have to stop masturbating to the idea of having sex with him?
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I’ve been staying in all week trying not to get Covid before I fly to New York to get Covid.
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It's all fun and games until a Mexican guy dares you to eat a ghost pepper and you end up shitting blood.
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FYI you don’t need to announce on social media that you’re giving up coffee. You can just do it and not tell anyone. And don’t give me some crap about wanting someone to hold you accountable. Literally not one person gives a fuck about your bullshit addiction to caffeine.
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Don’t ever fucking tell me cats are better than dogs.
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Ever been so high that you forgive your parents for everything?
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How did we celebrate mediocrity before social media?
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You don’t have a WAP. You have a yeast infection.
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Since my dad died at 11:40am, I have eaten a bag of Cheetos, a large fry and Diet Coke from McDonald’s, a Crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell, and 4 chocolate cookies from 7-eleven. I’m celebrating life the American way...by killing my insides.
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I’m having a hard time talking to people about my father’s death since it seems that most people either had a bad or totally absent dad. I never thought, “my amazing dad died,” would be a humble brag.
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but I have two Ken Griffey Jr Upper Deck rookie cards.
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My dad has been dead three weeks today. In that time, I’ve realized more than ever what an amazing human he was. He did his best to lead with love every day. It was his gift to everyone around him, but most importantly it was his gift to himself. Be like Harold, lead with love.
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Ever been so high that you forgive your parents for everything?
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The world has been open for a few weeks and I’m already fucking exhausted. When’s the next pandemic?
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I regret to inform everyone that I will never stop tweeting about how much I love Salma Hayek’s tits.
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I spoke at my dad’s funeral and mentioned how much he loved laughing at farts. I think my mom wants me dead now. Please dedicate your next fart to my dad. 🙏🏻
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My biggest fear is that when I die comedians will post pictures of me and talk about how nice I was instead of funny.
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I’m at the point in my grieving process where I think pictures of cute dogs will help. Please feel free to send all dog pics to help me fill this bottomless void in my heart.
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Just remembered during my high school days how my dad used to bring me a sliced apple with honey on nights when I was up late doing homework. Miss you dad.
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Because of this article, my 73 year old mom is finally impressed that I open for
@attell
(NOTE she still has never said she’s proud of me).
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I just remembered that I ended my speech at my dad’s funeral by turning to his coffin and saying “good game, dad,” and now I can’t stop laughing and crying.
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Sitting in my dad’s hospital room watching Jurassic Park 4 with my mom and every few seconds she says something to the effect of, “It’s not possible to kill a dinosaur like that.” No joke here, just needed y’all to know it isn’t just my dad suffering.
#FuckParkinsons
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The best parts of me are from my dad. My heart, my soul and my mustache.
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Does anyone else feel too lazy to be great?
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I really want to be an easy going person, but unfortunately I grew up with a mom who starts every conversation with, “are you okay” and then ends it with, “be careful.”
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Do you ever wanna cry for help, but then don’t because someone really annoying might answer?
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Is anyone else having a full blown mental meltdown?
NOTE: Please don’t respond unless you’re a mentally sound, single, hot tall, good guy with ambition and you want to fix me.
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The next girl who says, “vaxed and waxed” has to eat her own pussy.
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If we haven’t talked since quarantine started, can I just assume we aren’t friends anymore? I’m trying to figure out my team for the end of the world.
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At the rate I’m burning bridges, you’d think I’m a gender reveal party.
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If a guy is obsessed with crypto but still broke, is that a red flag or an NFT?
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Just sent the following text to my ex who is the reason I got into standup.
#pettybitch
#LightsOut
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I need to stop saying "tada" anytime I make a man cum.
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Did anyone else meet what they thought was the love of their life during the pandemic only to realize a few months later that you were trauma bonding with an emotionally unavailable misogynistic asshole?
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Who’s dick do I gotta suck to suck someone’s dick to get somewhere in this town?
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Two months ago my friend told me that she’s cool with casual sex because she has complete control of her emotions. I’m happy to announce that I JUST stopped laughing.
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The craziest part of the Tiger King is that I could actually afford a tiger.
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This looks like a still from a video of a white lady saying some racist shit.
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My new favorite pastime is watching newly single female comedians fire off subtweets all day long.
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Does masturbating first thing in the morning count as meditating?
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Santa better come down that chimney with an appetite, because instead of milk & cookies, I’m serving puss.
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Can someone please talk me onto the ledge?
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I have a big heart and a fat ass, so yeah, I am single by choice.
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This is why I’m done fucking short dudes.
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Everybody has that one girl friend who lost her drivers license and is too lazy to replace it, so she’s just been using her passport for ID at the bar for the last 2 years.
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Hey, people-who-moved-out-of-LA-during-the-pandemic: There is no need to constantly talk shit about LA. We get it, you have regrets about your decision.
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Nothing is more mind blowing then watching an unfunny comic grind for years and still not be funny.
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The only thing worse for your career than being a rapist in Hollywood is being a woman over 40.
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I spent a good portion of my day talking about hospice care for my father and now that I’m finally alone I can’t stop crying and taking pictures of my ass. Trauma is a weird experience.
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Just when I thought losing my dad couldn’t get any worse, I farted and shit my sweat pants with no underwear on.
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I wanna say fuck you to everyone who ever doubted me, so first I’m gonna need a mirror.
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If you’re in a state where life begins at conception and you’re driving to a safe state for an abortion, don’t forget to take the carpool lane on your way out of town.
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Just remember, no matter how hard you work to achieve your dreams, a pandemic can take it all away.
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Not all spaces need to be safe you fucking weak cunts.
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About 7 years ago I had an abortion, and I don’t regret it for a moment. Honestly, the hardest part about the whole ordeal was the traffic I hit coming home. Rush hour in LA is the worst.
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This is more painful to watch than the time I walked in on my parents having sex.
#Debates2020
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Hey Brazil, we know how you feel. -The Jews.
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You don’t have to suffer in silence, but a lot of us wouldn’t mind if you at least gave it a try.
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Is it just me or does every day feel like a Thursday day and every night feels like a Sunday night?
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What did reply guys do before the internet?
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HOLY FUCK DID ANYONE ELSE IN LA JUST HEAR FUCKING FIGHTER JETS FLYING VERY VERY VERY LOW?
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My mom could take a stop sign personally.
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That awkward moment when you see your gynecologist in public and they don’t recognize you so you have to pull your pants down to show them your coochie.
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My favorite part about Bill’s monologue is when he offends everyone who deserves it. 🐐
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I hate when someone I barely know doesn't like me. Like, take time to get to know me so you can see that I'm worse than you thought.
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I just want to say thank you to everyone who sent me love over the past two days. I’m getting back to everyone’s messages/comments/texts little by little, but please know I appreciate the love more than I will ever be able to express.
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As her roommate I can confirm this is true. She now calls my “guest” towels the “I promise I won’t cum in these unless there is a cum emergency” towels.
I’m not like other girls; I don’t have “guest” towels. I have “cum” towels and “I guess you can also cum in these” towels.
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Heads up to all my comic friends: next time I see you we are taking a ton of pics together. That way when you die I’ll have something to post to make your death about me.
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