Adrienne Airhart Helberg
@craydrienne
Followers
36,182
Following
985
Media
648
Statuses
14,003
comedy • linguistics • psychedelics • cannabis. Chronic ex-wife. Former dancer. Extremely married.
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait that's not my waiter.
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Tonight at my birthday dinner I took off my shawl and the lady at the next table said, “well those are distracting” and moved tables. Still got it!*
*prejudice against big naturals
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*On a phone meeting*
Coworker: Adrienne has an unfair advantage — a female voice stands out so you'll know who's speaking.
Me: Ok, but you have an unfair advantage because you are all white men.
Him: Ok, but —
Someone: Shut up, dude.
Him: ...ok, who was that?
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A year ago today my husband left me for a 25 year old and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me? Besides being born stacked.
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Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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This was me last night. I’m not even that hot the lady was just a hater. (Though her date did talk to me when she went to the bathroom…you can hear him) 😂
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Bookers don’t care if I refuse to perform without mandatory vaccines or negative tests from audiences.
But
@pattonoswalt
refusing to perform is the catalyst needed to change the way comedians are treated around the U.S.
Bravo 👏
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On this day 3 years ago I was dumped during sex by my husband and partner of 8 years, who said I’d “let myself go”, but really he was cheating. I’m now remarried to a hot man who loves me completely.
Also, people pay to see my body.
It gets better 💓
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My weed doctor is a Muslim woman. I'm already living in the future America for which we fight.
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At court today, in the elevator, a guy looked at me and said, “DUI?” I shook my head and showed him divorce papers. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I hope he dies.”
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This guy at the airport asked me what state I live in and I said, “Honestly, just constant fear.”
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Someone asked me if starting an OnlyFans was difficult because of the men and I had to say no, because of the women. Female comics have been the meanest, by far.
Whatever, I’m out of medical debt now.
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Turning 16: yay I can drive
Turning 21: yay I can drink
Turning 35 yay I can be president
Turning 36: yay I can walk slowly into the ocean
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Hey empty nest parents, if you want your kid to call you just change your Netflix password.
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Let’s do a TikTok trend where we return our semi-automatic weapons and then do like I don’t know a shimmy or something maybe a lil cha cha
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I've admired Hillary since I was 8 years old but yah no, your Facebook comments about her absolutely changed my mind. I'm pro Trump now.
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Taxi drivers in LA are like, "In my country I was a doctor." I'm like, "I get it—I'm a 4 here but back in New York I'm a solid 7."
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This is hilarious to me
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I don’t want a relationship I just wanna do dinners, watch movies, fuck exclusively, and complain about my job to you. But like, super casually. Super chill.
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Taylor Swift is so adorable but I just wanna shake her and be like "Blow jobs! Then they'll stop dumping you! Now sing about equal rights."
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RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the United States of America. I know you both held on as long as you could.
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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We have like 5 seconds on this planet I want to spend as much of it laughing and cumming as possible also petting dogs
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“What would you do with an invisibility cloak?”
Guy: crime!
Guy: watch people fuckin
Guy: sneak into movie theaters
Me: walk to my car safely at night
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It's pretty unfair that girls lose their boobs when they get in shape but all guys lose is their ability to walk by a mirror without flexing
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Practice your story before you tell your friends because you have 17 seconds to tell it before they look back down at their phones.
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BE THE CHANGE
YALL WE DID IT. WE GOT THE OKLAHOMOPHOBIC SCHOOL TO CHANGE THEIR FULL POLICY. HAHAHAHAHA. THE POWER OF THE GAYS AND KATHY GRIFFIN IS UNDEFEATED. DO NOT EVER FEEL LIKE YOU’RE ALONE OR HAVE TO SILENCE BEING YOURSELF. YOU ARENT ALONE. 🌈
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#HowToConfuseAMillennial
tell us you fought for our freedoms and then protest gay marriage while wearing clothes designed by gays.
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This dude is insanely talented.
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Can you lose a whole genre of music in a breakup?
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I’m not like other girls; I don’t have “guest” towels. I have “cum” towels and “I guess you can also cum in these” towels.
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For reference, this is me now...a year older and definitely “fatter.”
Men are trash 😂
It’s coming up on a year since my husband asked for a divorce, citing a lack of love and attraction (said I’m fat), only for me to find out he had a girlfriend and other hoes for years.
My pain will be visible for a while.
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"An engagement should cost 3 months' rent, right?"
No, you're thinking of improv classes
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If my boss doesn't say "See you tomorrow!" I just think I was fired and don't come back. I've had 2,456 jobs.
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When I was 20 I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. “When’s the appointment?” he asked. No emotion.
Then he went out ATVing on drugs while I puked and waited for him to return.
I’d have a teenager with that asshole right now if I hadn’t had an abortion. Everyone is better off!
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Friend: I see both sides. I see why people voted for trump.
Me: I see why you’re susceptible to pyramid schemes.
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I legit just really do not care for people under 30. Or people who don’t like dogs. Or people
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Him: well I’m in debt, I drink every day, and I’m still on all dating apps. Also, I’ll go hours without texting back but yeah I want kids
Me: you want kids?! 😍
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If I put this gun INSIDE MY UTERUS will you maybe start to put some regulations on it? I'm gonna go stretch, you dudes get back to me.
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Also my most stolen tweet 😂
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When I want your opinion I'll unwrap my legs from behind your head and leave the room so you can call your mom and tell her.
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If I were a vampire I'd watch all the YouTube. It's not wasting time if you live forever.
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It’s coming up on a year since my husband asked for a divorce, citing a lack of love and attraction (said I’m fat), only for me to find out he had a girlfriend and other hoes for years.
My pain will be visible for a while.
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@AllisonRaskin
Fuck that dude and the horse he rode in on. Bleed openly on Twitter — that’s what I did when my husband left me for a 25 year old covered in glitter last year.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. It’s your journey and also did I mention fuck that guy so hard
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If my boobs hurt my first thought is that I'm maybe pregnant and my second thought is that I maybe closed them in the oven door again.
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If I ever wake up and don't feel a boner in my butthole then this relationship is over.
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You ever ridden a scooter to get some D? I have. I’ve done that. And then I had to ride it home.
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Trying to train my boyfriend to pose with me in pics so I look skinny and he looks like a rich Jewish doctor. Facebook is so competitive!
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It’s my birthday. I’m not depressed about it but I do need attention 👑 🎂 so gimme
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An app that shuts down your phone for an hour if you take a picture of food
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Me: I'm willing to spend big money on a bed I mean I use it for 2/3's of my life
Salesperson: You mean 1/3
Me: No
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Until I started browsing Facebook late at night I really had no idea how many alcoholics are in my family.
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Why do I do OnlyFans? Because the Viking gods gifted me this vessel, and the Jewish god gifted me the brain to monetize it. Thanks for your support/prudes go home.
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Skip church and give your family the gift of mushrooms this holiday season so you can all finally see this god of which you speak
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Ooooh ya girl is single and feeling FEISTY and by that I mean I’m ordering a whole cake to eat to the face 🎉
#divorced
#subscribetomyOnlyFans
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I’ve had pneumonia, bronchitis, chronic asthma, and am still recovering from COVID.
Yet here is me in a mask.
Don’t be a bummer, Karen.
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If you write "Please do not eat" on your lunch in cursive it's your fault if someone eats it; that's a dead language. Try Latin next time.
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How much cumming is too much cumming? Don’t ask my ex; he will say 1 cum is too much.
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My OnlyFans subscribers are like, “you keep changing your business model!”
And I’m like ??? You came here to this app looking for stability from a fatherless, twice divorced nut? Lol here’s my tits thank you for your purchase
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If Starbucks and Chipotle charged an extra dollar that went to our student loan accounts we'd all be out of debt in 2 years tops.
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Retweet if you’re no longer in a relationship with someone who doesn’t vote and are super happy about that! Like if you think I’m hot.
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I told my friend I’m getting married for the 3rd time and she was like, “A guy proposed to me once. I said no,” and I was like…??? YOU CAN SAY NO???
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I’m happy that world is reopening but I genuinely forgot how much I hate people and their voices and flip-flop noises.
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Ben Stiller’s face like “ugh this guy stinks like sex and joy”
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My ex: you’re not hot anymore
My bf: you’re so hot it hurts
Nothing is real, eat the donut.
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No YOUR boyfriend created a fake character with his improv troupe so he could like Instagram bikini model pics legitimately.
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My vendor: “Sorry for taking so long to respond, I have two teen daughters. Dad life, you know?”
Me: I don’t know my dad
Him: …I’m gonna throw an extra 10% off on this software for ya
Me: thanks, dad
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Now that I’m officially divorced I’m not allowed to call my bf my “side dude” anymore and it kiiiinda bums me out
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Kanye will miss the birth because he will be running down the maternity halls telling the women their births aren't as good as Kim's.
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I utilize 7 products so my hair stays pristine for 4 days without washing. Please. Please don’t cum in it.
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Just sent a stranger from twitter my wedding dress for free and FUCK YES IT BROUGHT ME JOY
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Is it normal to be falling in love but super pissed about it?
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Well honey we fell in love after he wrote "let me fuck you just once my god those tits" on my Instagram post.
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"Staycation" is another word for broke and taking a couple days off work.
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A girl once told me I could get away with anything because I have a nice rack so I’m going to rig the election and be the president, how does that sound
President Rack
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Thinking about working on my self-worth today *sprays whipped cream on my tits*
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It’s so hard having such big ol’ titties and also since I have your attention it’s hard that Breonna Taylor’s murderers are free
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“Sir, we have to say Melania has it too so people think you touch each other.”
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What’s a word for a woman who is sexually experienced but not promiscuous? I don’t believe it exists. It’s prude or slut. Frigid or loose. Prove me wrong!
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He came inside me and it all Guiliani-ed down my leg.
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I just used the sentence "Yeah that smoothie was mad yum yums, yo" and my skin actually lightened a shade.
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Everyone I meet can tell I’m an Aries but not that my tits are real??? Wtf???
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Once, in 3rd grade, a girl referred to it as The Diarrhea of Anne Frank and I think about that every time I have diarrhea. I think of Anne.
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One time I woke up with a sore neck when I was 9 and told my mom I thought I had malaria. Then she deleted Oregon Trail off our computer 😢
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Texts that will elicit a nude from a lady*:
You get home ok?
I’d love to see you again
You are magnificent
Are you a tested genius?
I’ve never seen better boobs on video or in print in my life
I have donuts
I don’t use Instagram
*me
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I hate when people write “hehe” instead of “haha” like what are you a weasel or somethin’
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I’ve been divorced twice and what is the common denominator there? Exactly. Men are trash.
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When you comfort a crying girl at a rave they’re supposed to become your bestie not fuck your husband. Right? Just me?
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Me, before (an idiot), when my husband would creep home at 4am and shower
“He works so hard 😊”
Me, now (smarter), when my boyfriend spends more than 20 minutes at the grocery store
“Who the fuck is she????”
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I cut my ex out 3 weeks after he asked for a divorce so he could date his 25 year old girlfriend guilt-free. It’s been 7 months since I’ve spoken to him or looked at his socials.
Am I...am I a god?
Also, thank you for unfollowing him 🥰😍♥️🙏💞👅 you a real one
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A guy asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime and I said "Anytime" and here we are in a Parisian cafe in 1872 straight up falling in love
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