Neil Gibbons
@neilgibbons
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Writer of comedy. Mainly Alan Partridge, let's face it.
Joined April 2009
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England aren't playing badly. This game is simply the result of global factors, not least the effects of the pandemic and Putin's illegal war in Ukraine.
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Squid Game hopefully
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Only three people have won the World Cup as player and coach. Mario Zagallo who died on Saturday, Franz Beckenbauer who died today and Didier Deschamps who's now shitting himself
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"[long pause] Red."
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Cannot believe the guys who’ve closed 800 libraries since 2010 would do this to Channel 4.
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Absolutely bonkers that in the middle of a cost of living crisis the chairman of the Conservative Party is found to have fleeced the country out of *multiple millions of pounds* in tax and it's a minor news story on a par with veganuary
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He gets a bonus if he signs the contract before xmas. This is known as the Santo clause
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“I am addressing all the right issues. But not necessarily in the right order.”
When in Morecambe.... it's always wise to pay this statue a visit...😁
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- Cup of tea?
- Yes please.
- Are you sure? I make it with my own piss.
- I answered once. Why are you asking me again?
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See the match last night?
Today we delivered the biggest set of tax cuts since the 1980s for working people.
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BBC news: whatever your view on brexit, you have to admit Johnson securing a trade deal is quite the achievement. You have to admit that. Regardless of how shit the deal is or how much no deal couldn't happen, you have to admit it's a triumph. You have to. Admit it. Admit it now.
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If I was making The Crown I’d be lobbing in inaccuracies just to annoy people. Diana smoking a pipe. One scene. No one mentions it.
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I remember the landlord coming to stay in my house for four days to tell me I was barred.
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This is how Russia invades. Gradually increasing the length of this table until Ukrainians realise Putin is deep in Ukrainian territory and has been for some time.
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The Jeremy Kyle Show started to lose its way in the last couple of series when they ran out of books. The storyline just feels a bit rushed.
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Remember when the DUP tried to sue the Ulster Museum for having an exhibition on evolution and not creationism. Great bunch of lads.
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I thought I'd test my eyesight driving to a tourist hotspot rather than around a farm big enough to have three separate houses.
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I wasn't wanking AT a funeral. I was wanking BESIDE a funeral.
@metpoliceuk
@JamesCleverly
He urinated BESIDE the plaque. He did not urinate ON it. This is basic stuff.
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Teachers trained as bollards would have prevented this.
Vehicle hits security barrier near White House and female driver is apprehended by police, US secret service says
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People criticising Boris Johnson for his Marr interview might like to remember he is still recovering from COVID himself, has a young child at home depriving him of sleep, has recently lost a trusted adviser and is a fucking thick man.
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Fair play to whoever decided - in this airless, sweltering train carriage - that fuck it, they’re just going to open their pack of egg sandwiches and tuck in. Because that is as brexit as it gets.
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God, I hate David Davis’s brand of blokey it’s-really-quite-simple confidence. He’s like some prick at a golf club telling you you can’t wear jeans in the clubhouse then when you ask him why, he doesn’t know.
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Pretty sure Weak Woke de Growth was president of South Africa in the 80s
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Trump’s now held two meetings with people called Kim in as many weeks. Next week it’s Kim Wilde to discuss kids in America.
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Heck of a stat. In the 1960s, 3% of all films featured someone sinking in quicksand.
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I’ve cancelled my golf club membership but now the golf club is refusing to let me play there. This kind of punishment is not the language of a golf club. It’s the language of a golf gang.
"The idea of punishing Britain is not the language of a club, it's the language of a gang."
International Trade Secretary Dr Liam Fox calls for "an economic Brexit, not a political Brexit".
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Mum: I saw you steal from my purse
Dad: we both saw it
Son: interesting. A coordinated attack
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if you had tickets to see him on tour pls contact the box office
Josef Fritzl could never come to UK under visa rules, says home secretary
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The bottom half of his face looks delighted.
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These ‘why I can no longer vote for Labour' takes should by law have to end with “…and that’s why I want to see Boris Johnson’s hard right Tories win a majority”. Fine if that is what you want but don’t pretend one isn’t a consequence of the other.
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I'd rather see Jeanette Krankie negotiate for Britain than you. I find you weird and terrifying. Like, really fucking odd.
The EU wants to start Brexit negotiations 11 days after the Election. Your vote will decide who negotiates for Britain: me or Jeremy Corbyn.
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I dunno if I'm coming or going
How can I tell a new partner that I urinate when I ejaculate?
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1 minute.
2 minutes.
3 minutes.
4 minutes.
5 full minutes.
6 minutes.
7 minutes.
8 minutes.
9 (NINE) minutes.
Ten mi-… hang on a second.
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Not that the Oscars reward arthouse gems or anything, but the reward for being a blockbuster is you make shitloads of money. You don’t need a new Oscar for popular films that are quite good.
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'We'll be back with more from the Pyramid stage soon. But of course, Glastonbury isn't just about the music. Many come here to experience th-...'
*click*
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A bit like Bergkamp v Newcastle but she meant it
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And never reoffended.
Sir William Wallace was dragged naked to Smithfield in London today in 1305. He was strangled, castrated, disembowled and then his insides were burnt in front of him while he was still just alive. Then he was beheaded and chopped into quarters.
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Is there any other club in world football like Chelsea? Where the TV cuts to a 8 year old in the crowd and you know he's just a little fucking shit.
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Lots of these dudes about today
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Pictured: literally the one pub that doesn’t serve pints.
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Don't know a single Labour voter who isn't somewhere between 'this is shit, I'm done' and 'well this is shit, but what can you do'. Every last one is somewhere on the this is shit spectrum. Not sure why Owen Jones leaving was such a bombshell really
Rachel Reeves states that taxing richer people 'isn't my priority' and that those who advocate for this 'will have the chance to express their views at the ballot box'
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I hope he doesn’t post them through burkas by accident.
Coronavirus: 30 million households to receive letter from PM warning 'things will get worse before they get better'
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About a dad driven mad by his ungrateful kids. Wonder how he came up with that.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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“Alles klar!”
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Chris Finch has thrown a kettle over a pub.
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Props to
@RobGibbons_
for spooling through hours of this shit then writing to fit the footage
I love the
#AlanPartridgePodcast
more than I can say. In the latest series, Alan offers his own commentary on the coronation. I had to see if it actually matched up with the real footage, and I’m howling. This is amazing. 💀💀
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Project Beer.
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A safisfactory explanation and a welcome apology. Took guts. Now let that be the end of the matter.
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Here we go again - the end of the Tories. The Tories could cram dog shit through every letterbox in the country and they’d still be on 40%.
Brexiteers believe that Barwell & Lidington are reaching out from Downing Street to Labour figures re Article 50 extension and second referendum. If true it could tear the Tories apart for a generation.
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Clever by Rees-Mogg. Do an interview at home alongside your kids to show how normal and relatable you all are. As you can see, it worked beautifully.
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Lost three grand this month thanks to furniture companies going into administration and I’ll get over that sooner than the 16 quid we spent renting the Trolls movie.
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Corporate finance team celebrate a fucking sensational leveraged buyout.
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On the Wikipedia page for the Wacky Races cartoon, someone’s bothered to go through every episode and compile a comprehensive table of results. What have YOU achieved today?
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New Partridge series cancelled. Nowhere to go. Apols.
Message to the person who stole my shoes when I was on the bouncy castle. For goodness sake, grow up!
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Anthony Hopkins eats man’s liver with fava beans and chianti in movie despite claiming to be non-cannibalist.
Jamie Lee Curtis wields firearms in new 'Halloween' movie despite advocating for gun control
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I just want to check the facts here.
I sent Sir Chris Hoy to represent me and your invigilator vetoed his inclusion.
During my cycling proficiency test?
@bendepear
@realDonaldTrump
@BorisJohnson
I just want to check the facts here.
We sent someone to represent the
@Conservatives
but you allowed the other party leaders to veto their inclusion in the debate?
During the regulated General Election period?
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And that's a wrap on The Witchfinder. Coming to BBC2 at some point. 👏👏👏 to Tim Key and Daisy May Cooper.
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Now’s the time for Theresa May to cancel Trump’s visit. And any answer she or her chinless Tory acolytes give about being a critical friend needs stamping on.
This is callous. This is inhumane. This is immoral. Separating children from their parents is not an immigration policy. This erodes our nation's heart, our soul and our commitment to civil and human rights.
These are children, not political pawns.
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Missed McMafia last night. Hope it was scenes of him having dinner with his girlfriend/taking tiny sips of white wine in between scenes of him looking anxiously at a monitor then clicking ‘Authorise Funds’.
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Bizarre defence from the man running the country. ‘If people don’t spell everything out for me, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on from one minute to the next.’
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Lineker's wrong to say the government is using the kind language used by Germany in the 1930s because if you think about it that would have been German.
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You had me at aloo
It was an absolute pleasure to welcome Tom Cruise to Asha's Birmingham yesterday evening 🌟
Tom ordered our famous Chicken Tikka Masala and enjoyed it so much that as soon as he had finished, he ordered it all over again - The greatest compliment 😋
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A year since Sky Sports News' Alan Irwin was attacked with a purple dildo, spawning the greatest cartoon ever drawn.
http://t.co/Gc5UjRuWfa
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You go careful now my love
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Kate says she could “murder a cuppa”. Then in the next scene Steve “murders a copper”. Like it.
#LineofDuty
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On Christmas Day, both wings of the Tory party will stop the infighting, put down their weapons and come together to spend the day popping people's footballs.
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BREAKING: Trump’s shift key,
SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!
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He would have been the centrefold but they couldn't get his picture to stay on the crease
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…where he was hooked up to six previously healthy teenagers. Now drained of life, the youths can be safely disposed of.
The Duke of Edinburgh has left hospital in central London after a month under the care of medical staff
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82,868 words, although quite a few appear more than once
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'Guys? I have actually started so it'd be great if I could have your attention for a minute? Hello? I'm talking, the PM's talking. Are you all listening? Chap over there. Are you listening? Great, cool cool.'
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GQ: We asked Alan Partridge to write about the state of TV. He... did not do that.
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Hi Neil. Just something like “Here’s the trailer. Coming soon to BBC1.” But reword it to sound like it’s coming from you. Thanks.
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Has anyone ever looked more like a character from a 70s sitcom than the chief constable of the PSNI?
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I can't get annoyed about this. If the govt has locked down a week earlier, the death toll would be half what it is. And that's before you add in failures on PPE, track & trace, and their piss poor comms. They want us to blame each other. Don't let the fuckers off the hook.
Thousands headed to Brighton beach - despite the risk of
#coronavirus
- on the hottest day of the year so far.
Read more:
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"Well the Tories will surely have to call a general election" is the new "Trump surely has to resign as president"
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This is great banter
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Audio with picture!
Alan Partridge Commentates the Coronation
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That news reporter character who does the angry rants without any jokes in. Odd.
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the cops here just breaking off from making rape jokes on whatsapp to let us know what's acceptable behaviour
Our tolerance for any disruption, whether through protest or otherwise, will be low.
We will deal robustly with anyone intent on undermining this celebration.
🧵🔽
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Is there any other other sport where the commentators are less emotionally in tune with viewers than tennis? With its 'oh that's wonderful, you have to say Djokovic is a joy to watch' while we're thinking 'he's a DICK and we want him to lose'
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Why not just pay a guy to break his ribs?
Boris Johnson says one can compare the virus to a "mugger" and say we are currently "wrestling it to the floor", don't blame me I don't write the script
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Great to see Grant Shapps has a rare vinyl copy of The Very Best of Grant Shapps on his shelves.
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The buzz I'd get from watching these episodes on a Monday night has never been matched by any TV show before or since
Happy 25th anniversary to
#TheLeagueofGentlemen
which first aired 9.30pm on
@BBCTwo
this very day in 1999.
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