Sarah Beattie
@nachosarah
Followers
496,922
Following
665
Media
305
Statuses
5,063
writer. comedy person. I hate your ex boyfriend. Sorry I meant mine. I have big tits
Michigan via Hawaii
Joined September 2009
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Pinned Tweet
my mom asked me if I was a lesbian and I was like no way I love big fat cocks in my mouth and she still got upset
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I was reported to twitter for calling trump supporters cheeto eating microdicks so I would like to add that they also have baby balls
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this is twitter not google
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why is trump pardoning a turkey did it murder a journalist
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hey
@realDonaldTrump
if you want the highest ratings ever just broadcast your fucking resignation
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well we technically only impeached him
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americans: oh shit vaping has killed ten people get rid of vaping
also americans: oh shit guns have killed ten thousand people get rid of everyone pointing this out
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hey
@twitter
a lunatic is using your website to incite fear and violence in the middle of a pandemic maybe you should fucking do something
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I like how our country didn’t want a female president yet we still ended up with a little bitch
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your rap name is your credit card number + the exp date + the cvc code on the back
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your quarantine name is the last thing you ate and no one gives a fucking shit we’re in hell
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please don’t take away birth control the last thing the world needs is more americans
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hey
@twitter
this dude is saying he’s going to murder a shit ton of people maybe you should ban him
....targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very high level & important to Iran & the Iranian culture, and those targets, and Iran itself, WILL BE HIT VERY FAST AND VERY HARD. The USA wants no more threats!
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pretty cool how cops are decked out in fancy battle armor to fight civilians who aren’t hurting anyone while nurses had to tape trash bags to their faces to fight the disease that’s killing everyone
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u guys all hated the ewoks because they were too cute but now you’re all fuckin ride or die with baby yoda pick a goddamn lane
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oh no did someone grab your pussy
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haha you had to wear a costume to pretend you have a fucking brain
I decided to dress up as the person who scares me most. The Democratic Dimwit Darling, socialist-loving, freedom-hating, former bartender herself
@AOC
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I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon
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for the record I’m sure no one was more shocked by epstein’s suicide than he was
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looking for a guy who will be cool with me playing the clip of trump getting booed on a loop while we fuck
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cocaine in sodas
What’s one thing the 1920s had that the 2020s should bring back?
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saying you're sorry you voted for trump is like saying sorry I fucked your dog like thanks but you're still someone who likes to fuck dogs
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remember when we couldn’t have a female president because she would be too emotional
SUCH ATROCIOUS LIES BY THE RADICAL LEFT, DO NOTHING DEMOCRATS. THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON AMERICA, AND AN ASSAULT ON THE REPUBLICAN PARTY!!!!
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this is why we need abortions
Almost 500,000 fans have signed a petition to remake Game of Throne's final season with "competent writers."
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getting a lot of backlash because I keep calling trump a dumb piece of shit so I would like to clarify trump is an extraordinarily dumb piece of shit
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I might be a slut but at least I’m not a trump supporter
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I aspire to be like the planet and get hotter and hotter until I die
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I'm no expert but has anyone tried throwing water on kellyanne conway
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if you’re upset just remember that dumb people are in power because they don't doubt themselves and that's all smart people do
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wait is she murdering them
Mandy Moore successfully hiked to Mt. Everest Base Camp as the mountain’s death toll rises
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the pussygrab dolls
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why is trump going to pardon a turkey is it a war criminal
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what if we’re not dating and I just met the dude behind an arby’s
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hey
@realDonaldTrump
more people are watching your impeachment than were at your inauguration
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it's weird how old rich white men are trying to get rid of abortion when they're always begging me to get one
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for the people mad at me because I don’t know who jake paul is let me clarify I don’t give a fuck who jake paul is
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if I die from the virus please someone chuck my diseased body straight at trump while he’s bragging about his fucking ratings
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my trump neighborhood is completely silent except for me orgasming
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it's gotten to the point where the aliens have stopped laughing at us and are all looking at each other like holy shit should we do something
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a guy asked if it's hard to be a female in comedy and I said it's a piece of cake if the cake is underpaid and everyone keeps trying to stick their dick in it
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weird that drunk history was cancelled while we’re living through an episode of it
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I moved on her like a bitch
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remember when you stared directly at an eclipse
As I have stated strongly before, and just to reiterate, if Turkey does anything that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, consider to be off limits, I will totally destroy and obliterate the Economy of Turkey (I’ve done before!). They must, with Europe and others, watch over...
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thank god we don’t have a female president who would get all emotional and crazy when something happens
Like every American, I deserve to meet my accuser, especially when this accuser, the so-called “Whistleblower,” represented a perfect conversation with a foreign leader in a totally inaccurate and fraudulent way. Then Schiff made up what I actually said by lying to Congress......
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just skip to the end when your dad’s in prison
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we have the dumbest piece of shit on the fucking planet as our president
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welcome to 2020 where the pedophiles get taken down by motherfucking borat
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just get fucking vaccinated already you dumb motherfuckers jesus fucking christ
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you know things are bad when we’re using a show about chernobyl as escapism
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oh cool harvey weinstein was found guilty of having all the qualifications for a supreme court justice
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oh fuck how many children did she eat
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so the president is allowed to destroy the post office and steal the election while spewing racist shit on twitter and I still can’t show a nipple on instagram
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good morning my neighbor has taken down his trump sign
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that’s usually the maximum for him
R. Kelly Is Facing ’a Minimum of 15 Years’ in Prison on New Charges, Legal Expert Says
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looking for a guy who wants a lady in the streets but an uncontrollable anxiety-ridden mess grappling with her ongoing existential crisis in the sheets
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I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact we have the absolute dumbest motherfucker on the planet as the president
Here's Trump saying that he's heard from many people complaining about "flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times."
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breaking news if you’re mad a gymnast doesn’t want to do flips for you anymore you should probably shut the fuck up
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the epitome of being an american is how we went through all this shit to protect ourselves but then got bored and decided fuck it let’s die
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godammit I already masturbated today
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. has tested positive for coronavirus.
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if you aren’t depressed right now what the fuck is wrong with you
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we should start calling schools wombs so republicans will start caring about the people inside them
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oh no guys it sounds like the president might be a shitty person this is terrible
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it’s cool that jesus turned water into wine but one time I turned an entire paycheck into tequila
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we never have to see another trump tweet again I am rock fucking hard
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if you're depressed tonight tell yourself it’s just a dumb holiday and go jerk off to some tits
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couldn’t sleep because I realized winnie the pooh and jack the ripper have the same middle names
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by age 30 you should have realized that you’re never going to be good enough at anything to be remembered and already started drinking yourself to death
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I’m watching fox news tonight because I want to watch the light fade from their eyes
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if you're intelligent congratulations on being tortured by the unending hell of existence every minute of every day
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but wear a fucking mask you motherfucking idiot
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my favorite part of this year was when the president made thousands of people try to violently murder the vice president and then we were all like hey this wandavision is a great show
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guys it’s my birthday so please don’t send me pictures of your dicks today
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twitter messaged me saying people are reporting I’m suicidal so let me just say I’d never kill myself I have really big tits
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don’t forget to flush
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are penguins ever like holy shit everyone loves me all I have to do is walk
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don’t worry guys I’m in michigan and I’m really great at turning things blue
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instead of calling it america we should call it the land of the fucking idiots
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I don’t struggle with depression I’m actually really fucking good at it
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has trump photoshopped his head on that picture of kumail yet
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I'm at the hospital because my loved one is seriously ill and the entire staff is dressed like this
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instead of anti-vaxxers let’s call them dumb bitches like sorry you can’t come to the party because you’re a dumb bitch
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trust me it doesn’t work
NEW JERSEY: Presbyterian Minister Accused Of Using Oral Sex To Suck Out Men's Evil During Ritual Exorcisms -
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oh yes the kid who was marching against women’s reproductive rights while wearing a hat promoting an evil homophobic racist misogynistic sociopath was TOTALLY misrepresented
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I’ve had no prior arrests can I cut off his dick
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if you need cheering up please remember there are hundreds of scientologists trapped on a boat with the measles
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penis size isn't as important to me as is a guy's reaction to a bee
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how the fuck are we banning abortions before assault rifles
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