Jesse McLaren
@McJesse
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Following
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Board Certified Comedy Writer. Didn't pay for Twitter Blue, just cursed.
Joined March 2009
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オーロラ
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Joost
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CHAWARIN ON STAGE
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FOURTH SINGING TIME
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#ขวัญฤทัยตอนจบ
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#不破湊3Dライブ
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Fulham
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自分これ
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Man City
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Gvardiol
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Manchester City
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最高のライブ
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#العين_يوكوهاما
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太陽フレアのせい
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カクレンジャー
• 32690 Tweets
HeavenlyVoice WithMrC
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#東京タワー
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マリノス
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Dremo
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アルバムとライブ
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#FULMCI
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自分の魚
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わたしの誕生魚
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Sark
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GET WELL SOON JISUNG
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Decided to use my 3D printer to figure out how the hell we’re doing this.
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I took every shot from behind-the-scenes featurettes where Dr. Strange is in front of a greenscreen, and edited him into a waterpark.
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Got a 3D printer for Christmas, realized I can use it to print any New Year’s glasses I want.
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.
ME IN 2022:
Oh.
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Ok. I’ve got a 3D printer and one week to figure out how the hell we’re doing this.
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If laws don't stop bad people from getting guns then WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL THE LITERAL DAY IT WAS LEGAL TO BUY ONE?
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If you're not watching Nickelodeon's coverage of the impeachment what are you even doing?
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Get in losers, we're going s̶h̶o̶p̶p̶i̶n̶g̶.
ᴛᴏ ᴛᴡᴇᴇᴛ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴘʀᴏᴘᴀɢᴀɴᴅᴀ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴏᴜʀ ᴡɪᴠᴇs ᴘᴜʙʟɪᴄʟʏ ʙᴇɢ ᴜs ᴛᴏ sᴛᴏᴘ ᴇᴍʙᴀʀʀᴀssɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ.
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I’m jealous of Elon Musk’s kids. They’re the only people who never have to hear from him.
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One of us just spent $600 to find out the other one has gas.
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My sister asked me to shoot her engagement pics so I hid Pennywise the Clown in every photo. Countdown until she notices.
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Ok Twitter- let's see if this wrestling meme can get MORE RETWEETS that the president's wrestling meme.
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I can’t explain my logic but if your childhood bedroom is still intact your family is rich.
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I photoshopped a flesh-light into the background of this photo please RT so one day it accidentally get's used in an article.
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I edited Ceelo Green into the background of pics of Trump in his apartment and holy shit 😂😂😂
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Horrible time for the NRA, first they close down schools and now this.
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ME WATCHING ANY NEW STAR WARS:
Wait, so this society keeps reverting back to fascism no matter how many times the good guys win?? That’s ridiculous.
ME IN 2022:
Oh.
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Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."
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Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman. It’s a Harry Potter movie.
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We let the guy from The Apprentice hand pick a third of the Supreme Court.
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BABY BOOMERS: Young people today wouldn’t be able to handle the comedy of George Carlin! He was our guy!
GEORGE CARLIN:
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BOOMERS: Why does your generation take climate change so seriously?
MILLENNIALS: This is the last scene from our favorite show growing up-
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It’s sorta weird that we never mention the president running for re-election has been impeached.
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Just to be clear, Bud Light never even sold the can that caused all this???
They created exactly one???
As a gift???
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If they made The Sopranos in today’s woke times, one of the mobsters would be gay, AJ would be diagnosed with ADHD, and Tony would be in therapy.
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Wow. Disney+ changed the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark...
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
"You look so pretty."
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
"You look so pretty... bUt i GueSs i'M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!"
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PLANET EARTH: Car keys Ivanka! Now!
IVANKA: I'm looking!
PLANET EARTH: Where are the keys. Ivanka...
IVANKA: (dangling keys) Sorry babe.
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He was so terrified when we brought him home 2 days ago, now he’s a member of the family❤️
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If I were Elon I'd be tweeting crazy stuff too. Anything to distract everyone from the fact that my dad and sister are fucking.
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HEARTWARMING- After being denied insurance this Teacher with cancer raised money with help of an ex student ♥️
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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WOW. Jaw dropping. FBI says Ned’s School Survival Guide was never formally declassified.
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I made it look like the car's moving and it's 100x better.
Strung-out looking Mike Lindell says he really needs people to buy some of his new slippers after he was canceled by retailers and shopping channels.
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What it feels like to do literally anything when it’s raining.
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
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TRUMP: Can't be an investigation if there's no FBI Director.
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1989: what if the Joker was a mobster
2008: what if the Joker was a nihilist
2016: what if the Joker was a punk
2019: what if the Joker was that guy in your office who comments “Beautiful😍” on all your Instagram posts
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No, YOU spent Labor Day weekend putting Michael Meyers into the background of Activia commercials.
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Me, after 48 hours of waiting in line to meet the Queen.
“Wait, she’s DEAD?!”
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TRUMP JUST NOW AT RALLY:
“Aunt Jemima folks. Je-mi-ma. No more Jemima. (Mimes eating pancake, crowd cheers) Is she real? Somebody should look into- it’s a big shame though. Beautiful syrup. Beautiful woman.”
JK this didn’t happen, but you thought it did, and that’s the problem.
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TRUMP: We must respect and honor our beautiful statues!
STATUE OF LIBERTY:
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Melania is an awful person too let’s stop with this she’s a prisoner who secretly hates him narrative.
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They finally make a movie for people who are 12 inches tall with no genitals and those people don't even like it.
My producers dragged me to see ‘Barbie’ and it was one of the most woke movies I have ever seen. My full review of this flaming garbage heap of a film will be out on my YouTube channel tomorrow at 10am ET.
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*me doing an at-home covid test*
“lol, what am I even, an adorable little scientist?”
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The year is 2016. I’m listening to a secret recording of Donald Trump that proves his horrendous moral character beyond a shadow of a doubt and will surely cost him the upcoming election.
The year is 2023. I’m listening to a secret recording of Donald Tru-
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Adding the Star Wars ending to any video makes it 10x funnier.
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I love Scorsese, but I can't stand how his characters just throw around racial slurs.
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Just for fun let’s get Mambo No. 5 on the Billboard Top 100 again.
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“So we’re supposed to root for Mark Zuckerberg, a longtime villain, just because he’s willing to fight Elon Musk, a new villain?”
Yes. This is what ten Fast and Furious movies have been preparing us for.
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Why do I get the feeling the Doge icon was added so when you search "Elon" and "Doge" the story of his racketeering lawsuit will be buried?
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Forget Home Alone 2, here’s the REAL 1992 clip of Trump talking to a child in a hotel lobby you should see.
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UPDATE: It starved to death.
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I was *today* years old when I learned this is how you're supposed to peel a kiwi. DID EVERYONE ELSE KNOW THIS!?!??
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So Luke Skywalker force projected across the galaxy to distract a Sith blinded by anger that he didn’t even realize he wasn’t a fighting a physical person, allowing the next generation of heroes to escape and then he gloriously faded into the sunset AND YOU DIDN’T LIKE THAT?!
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All the 2023 glasses looked dumb so I made these instead. Much happier.
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I️ came into the office early to put Sean Hannity’s face on all the Keurigs this week rules already.
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HILARIA: What a week, huh?
ALEC BALDWIN : Halaria, es Miercoles.
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Rent should be a tax write off. You’re helping someone who can’t afford their home make mortgage payments. It’s a charitable donation.
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Oh no! Your Star Wars had some “inconsistencies”? So sad.
Listen here motherfucker. I saw Episode 1-3 in theaters. I sat through shit you couldn’t imagine. Jar-Jar Binks. BackFlipping Yoda. Midichloreans. Space diners. That’s right, a FUCKING SPACE DINER. AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE-
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First time in my life I realized Baskin Robbins’ logo has a 31 in it. For context, I used to work at a Baskin Robbins.
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Amy is so close to having enough money to but an 800 square foot home in LA.
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Sublime and No Doubt are touring, there are OJ jokes on Weekend Update, everyone is loving Conan. Kids, this is what 1995 was like.
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First mistake Boris Johnson made as PM- giving a speech in front of a solid blue background.
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But if we clean the air now it won't be fair to the millions of people whose lungs are already poisoned.
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It feels like we’re at the part of Squid Game when they all voluntarily decided to come back and play Squid Game.
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“But you said giving our money to the top 1% would help to the poor.”
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Picture of Hillary Clinton shaking hands with a known sexual harasser.
This is bad for Democrats.
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I wanted to see if Austin Powers looked normal in the Beatles documentary and it turns out yes. Yes he does.
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My most unhinged hobby is making snow globes of people's homes as and giving it to them as a gift.
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When the strike started I made an Etsy shop to sell snow globes as kind of a goof. It got national press. Now I have so many snow globe orders it's 100% taken over every aspect of my life.
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