once you re-frame being the "little spoon" to "jet-packing" it really frees you up as a man. Hop on babe, I will fly us to sleep..

i'm sorry is this a normal thing the pope stands in front of

i also forgive everybody for taking out loans. People change ❤️

My hubs went to get Five Guys for dinner so I greeted him at the door with plates in hand. He didn’t find my greeting nearly as charming as I thought he would. “Gimmie mah FRIESSS.”

Things my 5yo daughter said while watching a video of ducklings: “please don’t take this away from me” “so cuuuuute” “get me a baby duck. Right now. I’m serious.”

Things we’ve past on our road trip: Woobie’s Storage, the town of Tightwad, population 69, and a sign reading “This is Trump Country.”

If you’re in a lifted truck going 20 over while riding every car in the left lane I’m ALWAYS going to assume you’re experiencing hot diarrhea and trying to get to the toilet.

My 5yo daughter: Having a child is so much work. You have to change its diaper, feed it milk from a cow, then if you don’t want it anymore you have to feed the child to the same cow.

Things passed on our road trip: a field full of refrigerators, Redeemed and Redreamed Thrift Store.

Over heard from our family road trip: heyyy don’t YEET my pillow.

Happiness in my own backyard.

Just realized the maximum number of dog I could ever responsibly adopt is capped at two. I’m limited by my number of hands for belly scritches.

Decided to take the pup out for a walk today and totally forgot it’s like being inside a boiling kettle outside.

Feeling pretty proud of wearing through my garden gloves after months of hard work until my 13yo reminded me I could just be overdoing it.

I always feel the need to prove the child’s presence when I order a kids meal. Like, I’m not just cheap. I’m cheap and a parent.

So cool the cdc said us vaccinated folks can have mass gatherings again. Just going to say no, thanks. And yuck.

I’ve been blissfully gardening my heart out for the last two months and I’ve only just realized what poison Ivy actually looks like. And I’m so itchy.

How long before she deletes this tweet? I give it a weak.

For some reason Bill and Melinda’s divorce is hitting me harder than my own parent’s divorce. #GatesDivorce

Me: eats nothing all day. Also me at 9pm: consumes the snack cabinet and a glass of wine while binging Veep on HBO. It’s all about balance.