picardie aurora
@picardie_aurora
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hello friends, i have been bothered by the imperfect world for a long time
Joined September 2021
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this is what i eat when my girlfriend is out of town and they stop fully rendering my environment
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i'm sorry is this a normal thing the pope stands in front of
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if your girlfriend makes more money than you with a stay at home job but you still work outside of the house then you're sort of an outdoor cat bf
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chief of staff: Mr. President, very sad news. Queen Elizabeth has died.
joe biden [ munching block of Kerrygold butter ]: hot damn. we do that?
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people who get off at my bus stop have a certain wisdom all too rare in the world today. people who get off at the bus stop before mine are doubtless idlers. people who get off at stops after mine have ways that are foreign and uncertain but one imagines idolatrous
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once when i had a really high fever i could see the grid that underlies reality. nothing too wild just a regular grid, but cool to confirm it's there.
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me: hey babe, need me to take the garbage out?
my girlfriend with a goon fetish: 😕😓
me: uhhhh .... hey boss, you want i should take this out for ya?
gf: ☺️🥰
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ohhh how drunk was i last night, what did i do ..... [ remembers smoking a single cigarette ] 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ oh my god
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had a nightmare where Australians said “clando” to mean “clandestinely”
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they’re building worlds in the parking lot booth
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when someone is having an orgasm there is a split second where you can ask if they are good or evil and they will tell the truth
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when i was 19 and living in my own apartment for the first time, when my mom asked what i was cooking for dinner i said ‘lentils’ often enough that she started to worry whether i had enough money. really i was just getting into lentils.
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[ getting mad at my friend who’s a crane operator ] you would have nothing to do if everything was already where it needed to be. you could only thrive in a world of disorder.
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i like that they can't be completely certain whether it's the same one
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me: i wish i was only a foot and a half tall, so i could hike all over the world and live in my backpack 🙂
my girlfriend [ twirling my hair around her finger]: but honey, if you were that small wouldn’t you have to carry a smaller backpack?
me: [ visibly thinking really hard ]
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people don’t do things ‘like a boss’ any more. because of class consciousness?
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someone said they were a ‘cloud architect’, for a moment i imagined the most incredible job in the world before i realized they mean like software
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girls are always commenting on the disrepair of my manor, babe that's the point
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me [ 87 years old ]: at the end of it all, doesn’t it feel that what makes life is the imperfections? not just our joys but our fears, heartbreak, failure, yearning — those are the moments I think of most now.
robot [ loading euthanasia cartridge ]: that is illogical
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when i was an intern at noma my job was to sort through bags of greens for ‘spinach leaves of uncommon beauty’. but when i found them, instead of putting any in the salads René Redzepi would float them on a pond that took up most of the breakroom
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had a dream where a fraudulent bob dylan song called “hitler on the beach” took over the radio. the only refrain i remember is (in bob dylan drawl):
what explains the worry /
what explains the reach?
incandescent burning, and /
hitler on the beach
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[ raising hand in the second-last lecture of my biochemistry class ] all this stuff is some kind of metaphor, right?
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me [ transformed into a hawk ]: it’s a beautiful day to be borne aloft
other hawk [ born a hawk ]: always is
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before the invention of the deathbed people died on all kinds of ignominious surfaces
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my uber driver asked “the wind, it’s okay for you?” and i said yes brother yes, it’s what carries our dreams around the world. i realize now he was asking about the windows being down.
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beautiful woman: that's a cute dog 🙂 does he have a name?
me [ pulling away ]: obviously he does .... you don't think very much of me, do you?
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i feel like pitbull would be like ‘i call it mental wealth’
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me: hey dave what’s that place you wanted us to check out?
my friend who writes copy for google maps: This local haunt offers up classic cocktails and creative bar bites.
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you awake from a deep and dreamless sleep to find yourself in a boston-themed RPG
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me: back in the day i would post something like this to dinnerchat—
my nephew Palomedes: hark uncle, you said you were of snacks chat
me: well, at the time it was not unconventional to be in multiple chats
my nephew [ muttering ]: questionable honour ......
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[ me as a helpful npc in a video game ] eating on the bus isn’t against the rules — but if you make too much of a mess of it, you might get a bad reputation
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accidentally set free a great evil from a clump of brown sugar
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[ bee turned into a human ]: no hive at all? doesn’t that get lonely?
me: haha, no .... i mean, sometimes, sure
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got antsy on the enter key and searched 'world' instead of 'world cup' and now i'm enchanted by the wonderful breadth of creation
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someone on reddit said a smartwatch for working out "pleases my data collecting lizard brain" that's the opposite of lizard brain what do you think lizards are doing
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they should make a 99% abv beer that you're only allowed to buy once
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it’s crazy that certain parasite eggs evolved to be resistant to stomach acids …. i specifically did not want that to happen
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my roommate [ reading my post ‘about to fake a neck injury so my roommates have to move my furniture for me’ ]: hey man
me [ weakly ]: yeah?
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the first known fisheye photograph has a real feeling to it
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25 babies wearing these just beat the shit out of me on a city street
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woman’s worst fear: boyfriend abandons me at time of greatest need
man’s worst fear: girlfriend i already kind of wanted to break up with gets a terminal illness and now i’m the bad guy
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somewhere in this world there is a corner booth for all of us
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people will tell you ‘gollum wasn’t always bad, he was a normal guy named smeagol’ as if that isn’t a complete little freak name too
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hey, my girlfriend and i saw you from across the bar, and we .... yep, haha, just like the memes, exactly. yeah we’d like to have sex with you, let us know what you think.
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me [ bug ] [ raising hand in class ] what happens if we reach the light?
smart but popular bug: uh, you can’t ‘reach the light,’ it’s actually reflected off of the moon hundreds of thousands of miles away
me: oh ….
hot girl bugs: [ giggling ]
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texting my 31 year-old friend: i love this
texting my 28 year-old friend: this shit is so goals
texting my 25 year-old friend: this shit is so goated
texting my 22 year-old friend: it should not be legal for you to drink yet
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sometimes a white boy will get really high and realize his love language is lowkey physical touch
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80% of men and 80% of women are ‘fairly confident’ a whale would support them on its back until rescuers arrived
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under communism what will the stickers on your water bottle be
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my flight has been delayed after the scheduled pilot broke out laughing at the absurd beauty of being this morning and has been unable to focus on his dials
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it’s so funny when someone gets off the bus before you. that’s all?
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sometimes when he disapproved of a spinach leaf he would yell, but once he asked me to stay after closing and we had a three hour discussion about what makes a leaf beautiful
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me: good serve
my brother: thank you. good return.
me: thank you. good return.
my brother: thank you. good return.
me: thank you. good return.
our mother: good volley
[ simultaneously ] thank you
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my wife: every time we fly home
i try not to count in my head how many more times we might come back. do my parents look older to you?
me [ looking out plane window ]: there’s some real geology going on down here
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[ on the phone after receiving my sum ] it was kind of gross …. all in a lump, yeah
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my default response in basically any situation where i need one is "that's how they get you"
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i’ve rediscovered a renaissance philosopher who believes that the poles of all things are ‘mouse nature’ and ‘water nature’. when a steel spring rusts, paradoxically, it gains mouse nature - because it squeaks. when polished it gains water nature, because it becomes reflective.
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me: i wish i could stay on the bus longer
bus driver: you can. just ride to the end.
me: but that’s not where i’m going
bus driver: so it goes.
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[ person eating an egg for the first time and getting to the middle ] sneaky......
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me: TALCO is the largest aluminum plant in central asia — it consumes 40% of tajikistan's electricity! but tajikistan actually has no raw aluminum ore, so it all has to be imported
my girlfriend [ already watched twelve tiktoks about TALCO yesterday ] that's so interesting honey
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derrick, your performance these first two weeks has been good, but, well — this has always been more of a ‘Halt!’ workplace, and we find your ‘Who goes there?’ a bit flimsy. it shouldn’t matter who goes there — they need to halt.
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my twin sons wool and harrington are at loggerheads once again
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[ 16th century man-at-arms directing traffic in swiss guard uniform ] sally forth, sally forth … [ turning to face other direction of traffic ] no, halt, halt … okay sally forth
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@selontheweb
@saturnalreturn
i was about to write a history of salt but when i saw this book i figured they had the whole thing kind of covered
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getting into a serious hr situation by calling my two assistants veronica and monica “iconica” and “moronica”
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out on a date with a sensitive white boy on an october evening like this, he’ll breathe deep and say some shit like “i love the fog” bitch i know
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5’8” gf picking me up by the scruff of my neck when she’s upset with me
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hard to imagine anybody saying 'nnneeowwwwwww' to denote something going fast before the 19th century. before the locomotive, what goes fast enough? cadence of a horse is all wrong.
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me getting nickeled: i can handle this
me getting dimed: SON of a—
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the first person to coin the term “doff” as the opposite to “don” was probably a smart aleck of some sort
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[ tearing up as i learn my minnesotan gf cheated on me ] ....land of 10,000 fakes
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it’s impossible to know if it’s dark until i open the door
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my coworker’s music was the tender lonesome cry of the loon
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every day, just once, i press the escape key. one day it will work.
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