dull as the heart of an unbaked brioche
@merrilymaralie
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hello, it’s the most famous woman you know on the ipad
nyc via pgh
Joined November 2013
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Pinned Tweet
this is the best day of my life
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i like that in john's account of the resurrection he makes sure to note the fact that he outran peter on the way to the tomb. absolutely no reason to put that in there other than shade, now preserved into eternity
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i’m out for a walk and everyone i have passed has been discussing the same thing. it’s like talking to a bunch of npcs in a town that are all like “the plague... it’s awful!”
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Waffle House managers should have the same authority to officiate weddings that sea captains do
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kind of love jia getting bodied by olivia rodrigo
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obsessed with the way this sounds like hugh grant woke up in a forest and a wizard is challenging him to a battle of wits to win his freedom
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i never get sick of twilight’s description of bella using the internet
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the dressage commentator just reverently said “SO much going on here!” as a horse walked in a straight line
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this is the most puzzlingly backwards take that everybody parrots. works survive past their time because they are relevant in a way that transcends it, they're not relevant because some kind of nefarious english teacher cabal is hell-bent on torturing you with wuthering heights
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@rebexxxxa
what was the one that was like, playing fetch with your dog is a form of abuse? that was an all-timer
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the old man sitting next to me at church absolutely shredded all five verses of "the church's one foundation" without even touching the hymnal and it was honestly the sickest thing i've ever seen
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remember these... i loved this bitch
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i know a lot of people are preparing to leave this website for lent but have you considered that perhaps, in fact, having to be on this website is the greatest penance of all
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overheard on sidewalk:
MAN 1: oh, bone broth. remember when you were so into bone broth?
MAN 2, CRYPTICALLY: i will be again.
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me at the start of quarantine: i'm going to learn a LANGUAGE. i'm going to do CRAFTS. i'm going to take advantage of this time to do something i can be PROUD of.
me now: *joyfully clicking on a 45-minute youtube video called "i found the most poorly-edited lifetime movie"
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new Erin’s Mom text just dropped
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also the first internet community i was BANNED from was animal crossing community, and i have considered putting “banned from animal crossing community” on my resume because it WAS an achievement
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dawn dorland is an inspiration; if it's been a few days since you last liked one of my tweets you can expect a form letter demanding your reasons. i hope we can reconcile
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one time i was on i think an L train late at night and a guy got on holding a saxophone, walked to the middle of the car and yelled “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF I RECEIVE MONEY I WILL STOP” and then brought forth from his instrument the most agonizing screeches i have ever heard
working on a piece for NYT & i would love to hear about your experiences: what do you think of when you think of the NYC subway? what are some of your worst & best subway memories?
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impossible to choose just a single work of speech-to-text poetry by one of the greatest literary minds of our time
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@bartleby_era
i would produce the most exploitative and sinister reality shows you’ve ever seen
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demolished by my mother once again
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@rachelmillman
new bartender at my local was having a horrible shift, so i hung out all night being chill and supportive while other patrons were super mean to him. fast forward to 2 am and i am closing out the register and doing the dishes myself while the wasted bartender weeps on the floor
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edward is trying to crack bella’s security questions… the greatest threat a vampire can pose
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fainted in public today (i’m fine) and multiple people commented specifically on the grace and elegance of my collapse
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i strive to make everyone i interact with as wildly uncomfortable as this
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an administrator who did not teach any classes threatened to sue me for libel because i, as the moderator of our school’s ratemyteachers page, kept deleting his hundreds of daily five-star ratings of himself
What happened at your school that sounded like an urban legend but was real? My friend’s little sister was in drama class and slid across the stage on her stomach and a piece of wood was sticking up and impaled her. She had to be air lifted to Duke hospital.
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tag yourself i’m eugenia roth
From the 1916 Girton School for Girls yearbook, Winnetka.
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the dachshund. God’s tube of kindness
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you know those people you knew on the internet in like, the early 00s or whatever, that you knew only within the context of whatever website you knew them on and you have no idea where they are now? and they could be literally anywhere? i'm thinking about them again
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spotted: a bunch of presumably drunk guys standing six feet apart on the sidewalk, dancing in place to blaring disco and yelling “NIGHTLIFE IS BACK, BABY!”
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this is the only dancing that’s happening at my wedding
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@jesawyer
that is the kind of car i like to drive in gta/saints row/whatever so every time i see one irl i have this pavlovian moment where something in the depths of my brain goes “oh i should steal that” (i won’t steal your car) (probably)
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thinking about this one again
Trump today at his rally in Allentown, PA: "By the way, nice trucks. You think I could hop into one of them and drive it away? I'd love to do it. Just drive the hell outta here. Just get the hell out of this. I had such a good life. My life was great."
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i wish i believed anything with the level of white-hot conviction with which that clique of ya authors believes that ya fiction is the most urgent and powerful thing in the universe
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finally someone can help me
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the gulf of understanding in our society between "people who have terminal internet brain poisoning" and "people who do not" widens every day and finds such fun and novel ways to manifest itself in the world around us
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can tiktok hex the sun next because i cannot STAND this any longer
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SIMONE: what’s that saying about how everything is the same?
ME: “pretzels is the same”?
SIMONE: …….i meant “all happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but
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good to see book twitter finally getting with the program
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i want to live in one of those hallmark movie small towns that are obsessed with christmas. somewhere called like, glittering falls
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i love when i try to go to anime church and the nuns make fun of me and then demand i put on a ninja outfit
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my favorite day ever on the internet was when tumblr just completely broke and the entire website looked like this. this is optimal performance to me
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naps are evil. i accidentally slept from 6:30 until like now and i feel like fucking rip van winkle, i have fallen out of linear time, i have decayed and everyone i've ever known died of old age 30 years ago
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just walked past a place that was advertising "pumpkin spice tacos" and i am the fall evangelist, i am pro-pumpkin in all its forms, i never get tired of manufactured autumnal bliss, but even i must admit, that is not of god
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thinking, as i occasionally do, about the guy i saw one time who had his own face tattooed on his arm
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i'm waiting at a corner with several strangers and a guy in a car just wolf-whistled as he drove past and i am fairly sure he was whistling at this gorgeous girl in a blue dress who did not react, but an old guy who was also standing there turned around and yelled "THANK YOU!!"
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every time rupi kaur slithers back into the discourse i think fondly of that profile of her where they followed her through the strand and she pointed out a copy of between the world and me and said she'd tried to read it but it was "too academic"
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remember when the pokemon go summer transformed our communities and brought world peace for like two months
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sure you don't have to read the classics! you don't *have* to do anything. but if you want to be conversant in literature in a way that lets you better engage with what's being written now... you should
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someone outside my window just said "i'm gonna show that little shithead how much i've changed personality-wise"
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tonight i watched simone accidentally pour the leftover coffee from this morning into the wine she was drinking and she did it so mechanically and with such assurance that i assumed she knew what she was doing and i didn’t stop her
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a man submitted like 30 typewritten physical copies of his manuscript to us many moons ago, and then submitted 30 typewritten copies of a correction to page 154, in separate envelopes, and i received these in a slow trickle from the mailroom for weeks. one a day, sometimes more
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guy on the subway has been sketching a number of people in our car very quickly and i have never felt as dismissed as i just did when i felt him glance at me for a long moment and then decide to draw someone else
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guy in the laundromat yelling on the phone “NO! we’re NOT at the laundromat!”
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and like duh we shouldn't be reading them uncritically, but this idea that "oh all these old dead people are irrelevant and fine to ignore, and the reason i know this is because i'm still mad that i was forced to read the great gatsby in tenth grade" is such an eyeroll
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new york’s hottest club is actually the *episcopal* church and always has been
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we had literal actual peace talks over AIM with the staff of animal crossing community. there were negotiations. the mods were all like, in their thirties, they had jobs, and they were working out a truce with a bunch of bored preteens on the internet. the early 00s were wild
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putting a scarf over my face, committing crimes, and then immediately removing the scarf so my bounty goes down
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my boyfriend sponsored me a POSSUM for my birthday and the POSSUM SANCTUARY sent me a video of my POSSUM EATING A STRAWBERRY
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in elementary school, at recess, my friends and i used to play... school. we had an entire separate pretend school and assigned each other homework, i'm talking worksheets, grades, the whole production
What's a childhood anecdote that says a lot about you?
Mine is that when I was 8 my friends and I went door to door selling homemade keychains so we could buy Bibles for our bullies.
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an old man just came into this coffee shop, immediately demanded of the barista "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE POEM?", got extremely mad when she couldn't think of one, and is now reciting his own poetry to the entire room
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"i talked to polygon about neopets," is a sentence i've been waiting my whole life to type
there is a lot going on in neopets right now, including a disaster involving black market pet trading that's creating big problems for crime-free traders. the economy there is incredible. please read our story about neopets most valuable creatures:
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@cbcradio2
an obvious one but perfume on your ankles so that the scent rises. i took a perfumery class years ago with an instructor who told us this and was like "american women only ever do the wrists and neck -- who do you want to attract, the birds?"
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i just watched a girl miss this train because she was making out with somebody and didn’t break away in time. 90s rom-com shit
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what a hard life this must be
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in your charity, please pray for the repose of the soul of my grandfather, bob, who died this morning. thank you ❤️
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He's 88. He's cute. He's tall. He's mad about the History Channel. He's incapable of writing a coherent sentence. I didn't say a name, but he popped into your head, didn't he? 🥰
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oh you do have to read moby dick though. not reading that is illegal
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when i see ads for anime in the subway tunnel it’s like when dante encounters his old mentor in hell
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it’s extremely funny that dante was just strolling around in hell and going up to various people who were suffering horrific torments and basically just saying “hey tell me about your whole situation” as they screamed and were on fire
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having a drink at the bar by my office and an older man has just sat down, announced to all that this is his first visit to new york and he’s here to see his son, and he is now surveying people on whether they have “a good or an annoying son”
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the part in luke where the samaritan village won’t let them in and john is like “oh lame... should we burn it? should we maybe set their entire village on fire? would that be cool” and jesus is like “have you lost your MIND” is a mood
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Wow I finally know how and when i’m going to die
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lol so my grandmother got one of those calls from those random people who are like "hi grandma it's me your grandson and i'm in trouble and i need you to wire me $5000" or whatever and she scammed him right back
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my dad, apparently sick of everyone on facebook taking the Mom Challenge and posting one photo that describes being a mom each day without explanation
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we’re having a normal one out here in Ghost House
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due to some real estate logistical issues my parents who split up like fifteen years ago may have to temporarily move back in together as platonic roommates and i am LAUGHING
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so like. i... do not care about kristen roupenian, i think she's a subpar writer who has already been talked about more after publishing one book than many better writers will be in their entire careers, but, allow me to contribute to the very ill i'm complaining of
“Is this about you?” the text messages read, as the story was going viral. “Did you write this under a pen name?”
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i just set my face like a flint and bought this bc it's official and i'll regret not owning it someday but i'm also annoyed that they went for "your neopets are dying," which implies that your neopets will someday die, when we all know neopets cannot die, which is the true horror
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this was back when like, "flame wars" were a thing, and being rude or aggressive toward someone online could get you in trouble for "flaming." remember THAT, my god, what happened to THAT whole sensibility
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this is absolutely the worst thing i have ever read and i MUST watch this film
Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Whitehouse star in the perfectly-titled holiday rom-com, The Knight Before Christmas. She plays a kind science teacher who has been disillusioned by love and he's the cursed medieval knight she must help return to his time — FIRST LOOK:
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ppl are still yelling at me about this so i should clarify that i obv don't mean we shouldn't expand the canon, or that you have to LIKE all of the books generally considered part of it (i don't!). but the canon forms a conversation across time that it's wise to pay attention to
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lol i wrote to someone in another department to ask a question and they informed me that this kind of thing usually goes through me, provided my own email and told me to contact myself
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@olivertraldi
i feel like the male equivalent of the viral divorce essay is the fabled "novel about a middle-aged english professor leaving his wife for a student" everyone seems to think still forms the core of contemporary literary fiction
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i was on the subway one time and a guy got on holding a saxophone and he walked into the middle of the car and yelled "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF I RECEIVE MONEY, I WILL STOP" and then started producing from his instrument the most horrifying sound i have ever heard
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someone just mistakenly closed an email to me “please hesitate to contact me if you have any questions” and that’s a mood
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made my boyfriend watch three episodes of sister wives today and now as we’re watching aew he points to chris jericho and is like “he looks like the sister wives’ husband.” this is what cultural exchange looks like. It makes us all better
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i’m convinced “uwu culture” on tumblr + those water bottles that have “you can do it!” “keep drinking!” “just a little more!” printed at intervals on the side are responsible for this
i wanna read like a solid 3k-5k words on how cutesy tweets like "remember to drink water" etc have turned into a full on industrial complex of overexplaining simple concepts in infantilizing ways to adults
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other epilogue: animal crossing community still, this very day, has the same layout that it had in 2003. THE INTERNET!
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a-ha-ha, mr. grant... you find yourself at the center of my ~*~cLeVeR nAmE gAmE!~*~
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any weather above 80 degrees is sinful, illegal, not of god, not part of my accepted reality, i deny it, i reject it
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winter… it’s goth girl spring
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my mom is shaming me for drinking too much and yelling "AGAIN?!" every time i get up to get another drink but somebody has to be the vodka aunt in this family and i have gravely accepted the mantle
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never 4get the guy at my church who approached me and asked my name one day, then the following week showed up having written a "poem inspired by our conversation" (me telling him my name) in which i was a maiden fair whose hand he won after slaying a dragon
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mom’s emo phase still going strong
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