I wish I had a particular set of skills. Mine are all random

*struts into Home Depot* “Give me your finest mulch!”

Sorry, I lost interest in stalking your account.

I’m sorry, I can’t believe that you’re a doctor if you aren’t wearing your stethoscope.

I see you, pulling your dirty clothes out of your $80,000 Mercedes and walking into a laundromat. It's all about priorities I guess

F: How long do you think a cat's memory is? M: *walks away as an answer

Outrageous that Stranger Things had a heterosexual relationship in the series finale.

“This is such a huge financial loss” me, after accidentally dropping a blueberry.

Maybe he was born with it, maybe it is AI.

Retweet now while it's still tax deductible!

So broke I may start a Somali Daycare.

Can we all just admit that the little colorful things in fruitcakes are not really fruit?

All I’m saying is, I’d take more walks down memory lane if I could remember where it was.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Accounting is just poetry with numbers. I’ll take no discussion on this.

I have no idea what anyone under the age of 25 is saying anymore.

Jokes on you, I've always had a face for radio

*cracks open a beer to watch the Texans game.. *eats an edible to watch the Cowboys game.. rinse/repeat

The odds are against us. Time to get even.

are your doors of perception even open bro?

Me pulling into mechanic’s: it’s making these weird honking noises and a pale yellow liquid is flowing down my back window Mechanic: I found the problem … there’s a clown clinging to your roof