Megan
@meganshpettit
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7,147
Following
543
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608
Statuses
9,318
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It’s been years and don’t know when I’ll ever stop thinking of this and laughing.
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When my first boyfriend broke up with me he listed all of the reasons why and the one I still remember is “I was really embarrassed when we saw Little Nicky because you kept yelling LITTLE NICKY in that Adam Sandler voice”
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If I can strap my bouncing big naturals into a bra every day to prevent men from flipping their bikes over parked cars and walking into poles, you can wear a mask.
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I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea
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Is anyone noticing that people have seemed to forget how to act in public? A woman just violently shook my (thankfully) locked washroom stall door at my gym and said “THIS IS THE STALL I WANT.” There’s another eating chicken parm on the bench in the bathroom. WHAT IS HAPPENING.
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I am bankrupt. Divorced. Lost custody of my child. But specimen 679, the 679th raccoon that I've taunted, finally gave me the finger.
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I worked at Coca-Cola and a co-worker walked in with a Pepsi watch he got with Pepsi Points. Supervisor said he couldn’t wear it so next shift he came in late and said it was because he didn’t know what time it was.
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Always liked that McDonald's burger stealer. What was his name? Hambthief?
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This is what every guy looks like that moved from Toronto to Hamilton.
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Love me love me
David Duchovny
Leave me leave me
David Dukeevny
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Remember when Missy Elliot danced around in a blown up garbage bag with a hit song about not wanting a man that came fast? More of that.
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My dad died two days ago and as you can imagine, it’s an absolute nightmare to navigate logistically and emotionally during a pandemic lockdown.
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My mom told me the ice cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream.
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All stores have tight short shorts. Gimme the Kevin Smith shorts where does he shop.
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People use "sellout" as a negative term when an artist finally gets paid but there isn't a term when a broke artist is forced to give it up.
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Maybe we should bring back the loud screeching noise every time we use the internet.
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Thinking about the time my friend barfed outside a bar, went in for another drink, came back out and two guys were arguing over if the barf was pizza or mac and cheese. She said “It’s pizza” and the mac and cheese guy said “You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.”
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At the mall, a guy yelled "IM REAL" and I said "real annoying" and all his friends laughed cause he got dissed by a mom.
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Night pooping shouldn’t be allowed. Butts should be off the clock after 9pm.
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My husband is a firefighter working a 24hr shift today. Thankful for his service. A real hero. So... who wants to cyber?
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Cleaning out my closet and found a coat I used to wear in my early 20s. Obviously still fits perfectly...
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I enjoy 70's porn, but every once in a while I realise that the people I'm masturbating to are probably either dead from suicide or AIDS
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Can everyone stop taking secret photos of people sleeping on the bus or wearing something different? Life is hard enough.
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First time in NYC and I want to give a shoutout to the woman that mistook my tall nine year old for a drug dealer.
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It's nice that deodorant companies let you know you're running low by including a cheese grater to grind in your pit.
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My mom once swore at me for so long and so creatively that other children gathered around and cheered like she was winning a rap battle.
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You probably shouldn't refer to having sex with your wife as 'loading the dishwasher.'
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A babe caught me checking her out at the gym so I smiled but it felt creepy so I closed my eyes while smiling because that's not creepy.
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Next time I 'bate to porn I'm going to change my desktop photo to more porn so I'm not greeted with a photo of my smiling baby
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The 60 year old man fixing my water heater said he was reprimanded for taking too many photos of customers' cats.
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When a woman says, "I normally don't do that but I'll do it with you." She does that. A lot.
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If you're not British good fucking luck narrating a nature documentary.
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Imagine being the kind of adult that enjoys people singing happy birthday to you.
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How many fruit flies am I willing to scoop out of my drink and keep on drinking? The number with shock you.
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Came out of the shower and my cat had one of those slimy rocket boners when he looked at me. Still got it.
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You turn around. Batman has disappeared. You turn a little bit more. Batman is crouching behind a couch.
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I remember like it was only yesterday. Shitting my pants in one these and only coming out after three McDonald’s employees promised me a free sundae.
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Hey people that tweet their horoscopes, let me tell you your future! You will eat an entire pizza, watch Glee and go to bed alone tonight
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Thought I was listening to Dubstep but it turns out I was getting an MRI.
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What's worse than my mom demonstrating my dad's orgasm face? Realising that I make the exact face when I orgasm.
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You've won yet another hand. Looks like I'm down to my third layer of Spanx.
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Wind chimes are nice but what about a doodad that screams when the sun's out
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Best friends will do the unthinkable for you. Mine let a man talk about Infinite Jest for 15 minutes while I secretly ate his sandwich.
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You read a few funny tweets and get a couple likes on Instagram? Just walk away. The internet is a casino and the house always wins.
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@behindyourback
My friend liked his friend so we went on a double date. He said "women are fuckholes" and punched a guy for talking during Billy Madison
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This is a photo of my husband and son taken two years ago at the last
@aof_official
show.
http://t.co/ByUIXtK0YJ
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I sent my husband a titty pic and he etransferred me 500 bucks haha
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My son just said “What did the fart say to the other fart?” And then farted. Perfect joke. Not an ounce of fat.
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Two people were parked close to me at the store and the woman was smoking a huge bong and pretending to play it like a saxophone and she saw I saw and waved and I started miming sax playing and we all laughed and it was one of the best social interactions I’ve had in a long time.
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Don't worry about the recaps, Netflix. We all just watched the last episode 12 seconds ago.
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I'd lose weight if I became a vegan because I would commit suicide and my body would decompose.
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I got right up front at Lollapalooza when I was 15 and Courtney Love was wearing a dress and nothing else and I went home and squatted on a mirror to see if my pussy looked like hers. It did not.
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We wrote ‘happy birthday’ on my uncle’s lawn in Doritos and when he came home, a raccoon scratched his leg for getting between her and her Cool Ranch eating babies and he had to get rabies shots.
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If you don't like my attitude call 1-800-EAT-SHIT. If there's no answer call my cell at 905-247-8467.
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This one is dedicated to all the butts lost during lockdown. Walking around like a P
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My son crushing his dad in basketball while making him listen to his own band is adult level burning
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Imagine all the cool sex people would be having if everyone could be honest about their interests without fearing ridicule.
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Get the hell away from me with your alligator adorned polo. I'm Lacoste Intolerant.
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I just realized that my husband and I thank each other after sex if you're wondering how Canadian we are.
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In a moment of absolute silence, in a transcendental state, I thought of this and did one of those silent shake laughs until I cried
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Your car is not made of two-way mirrors, you are doing gross things in a mobile display case.
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This album was born out of love. It is incredible
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I don’t know what’s funnier than an adult angrily stomping away in flip flops.
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When my parents split and my dad sold our home, the new owners told their agent that they were going to demand a refund because there was an “aggressive rodent” in the house that wasn’t disclosed during closing.
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Once, a co-worker dropped a case of Monster energy and he said he’d chug five warm cans if we gave him twenty bucks. We pooled together the cash and by the fourth can, he yelled “Ahh ah ahhhhhh ah” like at the start of that Led Zeppelin song and ran away and never came back.
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Whenever you’re under the influence and someone takes a photo of you and says you look fine, this is always the photo:
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Thought someone whispered "pssst" in the stall next to me so I replied "yes?" Turned out it was a fart. A butthole secret.
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My husband gets up at 5am, puts clothes on and goes. No breakfast. No coffee. And drives his two hour commute. Madness.
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A friend saw this in the wild and I feel like it belongs on here.
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Here’s a boy enjoying his favourite band which, coincidentally, is his dad’s and uncles’
@aof_official
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My husband on period sex, "I don't give a shit. I'll enter the elevator in The Shining."
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Good luck opening a cartoon fridge and not finding a whole turkey.
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@priya_ebooks
A 'friend' told a guy I loved dick to discourage him and he promptly asked me out. He's now my sexually satisfied husband of nine years.
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