Matt Shirley
@mattsurely
Followers
12K
Following
12K
Media
1K
Statuses
22K
I try to make a chart a day over on the instergram Also do things on Patreon.
Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
Sorry for the awkward silence, people I talk to, I was trying to think of something funny to say and you know what it just didn't happen.
4
1K
2K
Laundry room girl: "Sorry I left my bras lying out." Me: "Don't worry I've seen one before. I have a mom." Didn't need that last part did I
1
9
56
I love when recipes are like "Okay now add the cooked chicken" and you're like who said anything about cooking the chicken
0
12
40
Hello, 9 year olds, I'm your English teacher. This Robert Frost poem is called "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". It's about a guy that wants to commit suicide but he can't because he has chores to do
82
2K
39K
We cut up cow and it's beef. We cut up pig and it's pork. We cut up chicken and it's still chicken. What a slap in the face to chickens.
0
0
5
In our endless attempts to always feel comfortable we end up doing something that is the most uncomfortable: Think
0
0
4
[every time I go outside] “Oh yeah I remember this. It’s the thing that keeps me from doing murders.”
0
0
3
Please listen to your kids. Because if you don't those fuckers become the loudest adults.
0
1
2
Oh I should cut the stress out of my life? Why didn't I think of that.
1
5
20
"There's no FACTS in Factories" - early brainstorm of union protest sign
0
0
1
The Cloud is a cool little feature that makes it much more difficult to save and find your files.
0
6
21
From now on instead of ending emails: Thanks! Matt I'm ending them: Thanks Matt!
0
8
93
Flowers: Let’s make ourselves beautiful so bees will pollinate us *a giant human hand with scissors in it appears* Flowers: Oh shit we went too beautiful didn’t we
1
33
164
Instead of telling me to wait for it just make your video shorter.
0
6
41
Life is fun because you have the same mind blowing revelation like 30 times and never remember it.
0
6
21
Are jokes coming back on twitter? Or is that just my 2026 hope showing
1
0
4
[on the couch] Me: hey you want to go for a walk? Girlfriend: sure that sounds nice. *she stands up* Me: okay see you later.
0
42
110
Washed my sheets today. God it’s so nice having clean sheets. It’s a shame you only get to do this once a year
87
1K
67K