Matt Shirley
@mattsurely
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I try to make a chart a day over on the instergram Also do things on Patreon.
Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Sorry for the awkward silence, people I talk to, I was trying to think of something funny to say and you know what it just didn't happen.
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The worst attraction in every state (according to my IG followers)
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*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?
*gets well soon*
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I added a layer to that "Put your hands in the air" Venn diagram going around.
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Worst city in every state according to my Instagram followers.
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I'm not saying she's a gold digger, I'm just saying she moved to California in 1848.
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My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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"I've got 101 problems and roughly half of them are bitches." - Cruella de Vil
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Kyrie Irving got into Duke and believes the world is flat. Steph Curry got into Davidson and believes we didn't land on the moon. Makes you wonder what the dudes who got into Arizona State believe.
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"Frosted Flakes are $4.50? Definitely can't afford that."
*pays $7 for one beer later that night*
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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FRIEND: Make sure you ask her questions about herself - stuff you're both interested in.
[on date]
ME: So how many boobs do you have?
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I'm already staying at home! I can't stay at home any harder!
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And now the much anticipated sequel to the hate map, every state's FAVORITE other state.
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Signs you're about to die:
- tea kettle going crazy
- you're banging
- TV fuzz
- child saying nursery rhyme
- not a main character in life
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Wow
@netflix
you could have just paid me to use it instead of ripping it off and making it a lot less funny
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Doing my taxes is like having sex. I have no idea what I'm doing and in 9 months my life will probably be ruined.
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I really love this piece. 30 Twitter heavyweights told me the story behind their best joke:
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Welcome to adulthood, where you have the time to do what you want or you have the money to do what you want. Never both.
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They have gluten free body of Christ at this church. What a time to be alive.
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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989): A poverty-stricken mentally handicapped veteran is ridiculed by his family during Christmas.
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"Have you tried drinking more water and getting more sleep?" is the "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" of the medical world.
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Have you tried to spell fluorescent lately? What a wild ride.
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Phone autocorrected 'finger' to 'fist.' Drastically changed the tone of that sext.
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"Oh my god I can't believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it's spelled!!!"
- people with stupid names
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A horse-drawn carriage would probably be a pretty shitty drawing of a carriage.
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Instagram: A bunch of people you hate taking constant vacations.
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Your uber will be here in three minutes. Please allow 20 minutes for him to go absolutely the wrong direction.
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@InternetHippo
my grandma always said "don't overdo it" and I have significantly incorporated this into my goodbyes now
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Sex is like Thanksgiving, I'm not trying to do anything spectacular I just don't want anyone to cry.
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"Gotta make those Benjamins!"
- The Franklin parents while having intercourse
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[on plane]
"This is your pilot speaking."
*moans from the background*
"And that was your copilot climaxing. We're having fun up here folks."
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"When are you going to get a gf?"
"Are you still in that dead end job?"
"How long til I'm a grandma?"
"What are you doing with that knife?"
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Your LinkedIn says you have a job but your snapchat says otherwise.
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If you get poor enough suddenly your gluten intolerance goes away
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Not a fan of paying 31 days worth of money for 28 days of rent, thanks a lot, February
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[first date]
me: I feel like I should warn you that I am very very annoying
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My Christmas list:
- legos
- trampoline
- dinosaur (real)
- no more sad
- pizza
- sex (real)
- invisibility cloak
- pizza
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[signing a coworker's going away card]
How do you spell 'riddance'?
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Every state's least favorite state according to my instagram followers
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Here's December's schedule. Please update your calendars.
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Some notes: 1) A lot of capital cities on there. 2) I got so so many Manchester, NH answers. Manchester must really suck. 3) I don't agree with Lexington, Lexington is sweet.
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Watching Price is Right:
Age 9: Who would want this crap?
Age 29: I could really use that patio set.
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I was told to dress for the job I want so tomorrow I'll be dressed like a hand.
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*sends you video of me dramatically cutting off friendship bracelet*
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*everyone just brings jugs of water to jesus's birthday party*
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I had dating on my mind because my brother's dating book came out () so I made this first date chart:
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Thank you for subscribing to Flower Facts.
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Dear old people, have there always been this many idiots? Because it's like crazy right now.
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If you're a hilarious Twitter account like mine, how many new followers should you be getting per day? Is -9 the correct answer?
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I'm very tall and this girl is very short I haven't heard a word she's said in 40 minutes I've just been nodding the whole time
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Pretty good at pretending that I know what that underlined 100 emoji means.
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internet person: ugh i can't believe these dumb hicks are talking to me about how they "believe in god" today. mercury must be in retrograde
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Flowers: Let’s make ourselves beautiful so bees will pollinate us
*a giant human hand with scissors in it appears*
Flowers: Oh shit we went too beautiful didn’t we
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[modern napoleon dynamite]
do u use the dog filter bc u think you're ugly? cuz you're not. u could use the puking rainbow filter if u wanted
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*gets drunk and likes all the Instagram pictures even the babies*
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What idiot called it frozen yogurt and not shitty fucking fake ice cream bullshit
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Genius
@jonnysun
posted a fake Will Smith fact last night and an army of idiots said they already knew it. Story:
http://t.co/kHSd0He0rm
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Hi welcome to my new soup and sandwich shop, Bread, Broth and Beyond.
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Oh you love your mother's scrapbooking? Name five of her albums.
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Been watching a lot of murder documentaries and the one thing I've realized is that I can almost never prove where I am.
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The difference between a carol and a song is that a song won't sit in the corner bitching about how you don't take her to the movies enough.
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I asked 30 top Twitter jokesters what makes something funny and this is what they said:
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