kristofer thomas
@kristoferthomas
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comic, tv/screenwriter, idiot. mgmt: brillstein #WritersGuildOnStrike #WGAStrong
he/him
Joined December 2019
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i wanted to share an essay i wrote. it means a lot to me. i think it might get buried in the twitter algorithm, but that's probably why i feel brave enough to post it.
Dad Used To Have Boobs (And They Were Kind Of Big)
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what if god came down to earth and said “it’s pronounced jod” and left
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“what if YOU had been aborted??” then…i would’ve been aborted. lol
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being a guy dating a bi girl means she somehow picked you over WOMEN, which is the highest compliment of all time
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my therapist: be kinder to yourself!
my brain: yeah be kinder to yourself you fucking idiot
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this one time in 3rd grade i was really mad at my mom so i furiously googled "I WANT A BOMB" on her laptop like 900 times because i thought the government would come and arrest her
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how my girl vs. guy friends reacted back when i came out as trans:
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sorry to post something so heavy, but my parents and i haven’t spoken much since i started transitioning, it’s been really hard…my grandmother texted me this out of the blue and it made me cry😭
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i just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear
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can a depressed bisexual woman please tell me which planet is making me sad
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remembering the therapy session in which the grindr notification sound emitted from my therapist's phone, outing him; my face of recognition, in turn, outed me
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me all week: omg i have so much to talk about in therapy
me at therapy:
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turbotax: do you have any dependants?
me: i am the backbone of several groupchats
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hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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i work out so the guy who does my autopsy is like omfg this guy is so sexy thats so sad 😔💔😭
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what if i said “if you think cheetah print is sexy, you’re fetishizing bestiality” and logged off for three days
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went to buy beer at my bodega and realized i didn’t have my ID. i apologized to the kid working the counter, who simply said, “i don’t care. i’m 15.”
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me at hooters: ma’am please get your breasts out of my face. where are the owls
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i just took a digital and realized i had applied to the same exact modeling gig years prior before i transitioned LOL
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me:
4 yr old i nanny: do u have a girlfriend
me: no
4 yr old i nanny: do u have a boyfriend
me: no
4 yr old i nanny: that’s really sad
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you know the tweet that's like "we should pin all the debt in the world on one guy and then kill him"? it should be this guy next to me on the train who just told his wife her pants make her look fat
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my therapist: you need to be kinder to yourself
my brain: yeah you fucking idiot be kinder to yourself
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ur in her DMs, and i am as well. may the best man win bro haha. how are u doing man? ur really handsome btw
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just took my pug on the subway in a tote bag. he delicately licked the elbow of the woman standing in front of me, who then let out easily the most blood-curdling scream i have ever heard in my life
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THIS is the future LEFTISTS WANT for our HOMES!!!!!!!!!!!
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no one:
my cis guy friends arguing over how to teach me to shave:
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whoever invented this iphone feature needs her dick sucked 😍
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can a depressed bisexual woman please tell me which planet is making me sad
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i dont care what your sign is. do you or do you not watch things with the subtitles on
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i transitioned to male because i couldn't take wearing pants with those horrible tiny pockets any longer. naturally, cutting my breasts off was the only option
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the only transition milestone i care about is the guy at the bodega who called me “buddy” at the beginning of the summer and now calls me “boss”
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every lesbian is always carrying a water bottle that is 900 pounds and made of solid steel
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some transition photos of mine went viral yesterday. over the past 24 hours, i’ve gotten a lot of tweets & DMs like this one. i just have one thing to say in response—
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so weird frat bro culture is so homophobic....my dude, i have a few things to tell you about “greek life” back in the day
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“why should i buy her flowers” literally why not you strange little man calm down
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locked myself out of my apartment just now. shamefully knocked on my super's door, barefoot in boxers, clutching my furious pug. his wife answered the door with her infant in her arms. together, with our babies, we rode the elevator to my abode, and she let me back in
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me: why hello there :)
little kid in supermarket line: you are big like a house
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a girlfriend will always have to go pee and be a little bit chilly . Its the law
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remember the guy who made that documentary that was like “i think mcdonalds makes you unhealthy” and ate a ton of mcdonalds for like a year and was like “im unhealthy now” and we were like WHAT??????????…….that is next years met gala theme
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me on a date: i don't care what your sign is. i don't care what's in your pants. i don't care how much money you make. do you or do you not have a family that runs a 5k on thanksgiving
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people always assume bisexuals are huge sluts and it’s like…that’s a gross and false assumption. i am tho
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unfortunately smoking looks extremely cool & sexy
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“your pronouns are what’s in your pants” ok. your/mom
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asked my midwestern friend to guess what the boroughs in NYC are and he said rikers island and hell’s kitchen
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when i came out as trans, my entirely unfazed best friend happily told me i had to let her pick at movie night now because “it’s ladies first”
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oh, what are my “qualifications”? well first off im a total cutie pie . so just jot that down
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what is the dumbest thing on twitter people have gotten mad at you for? for me, it was when i criticized organic deodorant (people called me a republican).
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being in a queer friend group means you think there are WAY more bisexuals in the world than there actually are
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i still think this is the funniest thing on the internet
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but then i started panicking immediately after like fuck, i don't want them to take her AWAY. so i figured out how to clear the history. but then a few hours later, i was like "you know what? she was a real meanie. she deserves it" and did it again
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"yeah, a day or two in the pen. that'll teach her not to take my iPod nano from me on school nights."
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One time a tinder match asked me if i wanted to go on a “dawn sunrise run” and she was so hot that i said yes. then i slept through the 5 AM alarm and she texted me huffpost thinkpieces on time management
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happy national coming out day to my straight boy bestie, whom i was worried would act weird, who barely registered the coming out part and tearfully asked if this meant i had a bf i’d be doing a joint halloween costume with instead of him
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the 14 year old gay kids on this website are pioneering fascinating things
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someone said to me "just focus" and i dropped to the ground, letting out heaving, body-shaking sobs. lifting my arms towards the heavens, letting out the tortured cry of a man freed from his ailments earthside, i immediately began Focusing on the spot . hope this helps shitrocks!
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oh my god she wrote me a little poem too 😭this is the best gift i have gotten in years
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this actually is an amazing instagram feature and i wish we had it on twitter, it makes me feel safer
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put me in any real-life horror movie scenario and i am instantly killing myself
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this ten second SVU clip continues to be funnier than 90% of the comedies on TV rn
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someone replied to recent selfie i posted with this ~edited~ version trying to be mean but i think it’s the funniest thing i have seen in days
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this doesn’t even show how long the tongue can be. folks, he has a LONG tongue. and he is very curious. he definitely did not expect her to shriek…i think he felt she would respond rather well, and he would maybe even get a pet or two out of it
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everyone please enjoy this conversation i am having with my buddy liam, who is an angel and god-tier oblivious straight man
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THREAD: how i cured my life-long and crippling ADHD, permanently
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some of the things you guys said stung, sure—but i’m used to it. i’m used to people tearing me down; it’s taught me to love building people up. i guess i’m simply just…sorry you all feel this way. i have love for anyone who is or has been in pain.
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this is making me sob. i literally cannot remember the last time i cried. my parents haven’t said anything remotely like this, quite the opposite, i can’t even talk to them right now. i didn’t know what to tell my gammy or what to even say, but i knew she’d probably hear the news
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someone asked me what my name was pre-transition. very appropriate! it was cistofer :)
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hate when men assume i’m hitting on their girlfriends…i’m hitting on both of you, derek
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"why do transgenders NEED to be in our bathroom???" bro i literally just have to pee
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if you see something (so clearly posted in a positive light) and your reaction is negative, i know it isn’t about me anymore. more importantly, i think you deserve to feel the way i feel—i want happiness to be your steady state! i wish you the best. have a good day.
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being a bisexual man means i love doja cat in both the gay & straight way
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a girl i hooked up with twice three years ago is pregnant…wondering if its mine :/
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why are the anti-maskers so concerned with me wanting to wear my mask...that's not very land of the free of you
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the photo on the right is me ten minutes ago. i took the photo on the left right after i did my first shot of a testosterone, a year ago today :,,,)
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we will trans one gender a day until our terms have been met
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