5 years ago I had no job, no girlfriend, and was living in my mom’s basement. Today she told me I can have the sewing room.

“But Ronald eats for free at all McDonalds,” I say as the greasepaint starts to drip down my face.

Critical Minerals: The Next Front in the U.S.–China Economic War The trade war just went elemental. China controls 60% of global production and 90% of refining for key materials like rare earths, graphite, and gallium — the building blocks of $TSLA, $LMT, $GD, $NVDA, and the

my wedding: me: "i do" guests: awwww me: "or do i?" guests: OOOOOooooo

i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

starting to feel like most of my consequences don’t even have actions

(being mauled by a bear) Oh boy, wait till my followers hear about this

I remain impressed that the Beastie Boys made a career out of rapping the same way Gilbert Gottfried talked.

every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a microsoft excel sheet

Right. The “good” ship Lollipop. You just keep telling yourself that.

“Career criminal” puts it strongly. Crime is just something I do for money.

Icelandic restaurant offering all-you-can-eat rotten shark, $16.99.

This next little ditty comes from my new album, “9 Little Ditties” and is called “Number Four.”

A folksy coffee house cover of We Didn’t Start The Fire that takes an hour and 45 minutes

When someone mentions an author I don't know, I just say, “Oh yes, my grandparents lived next door to his family.”

(talking to chronically online canadians) “touch snow”

A far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Menswear supervisor was the furthest thing from my mind.

We get our nicknames today for the heist! Fingers crossed for “Mr. Burglar.”

For my 10th birthday I wanted a crimson mini Ferrari, not scarlet. But that was dad. Never listened.

it's so funny when recipe comments are like, 'my hubby gobbled this up.' why would i care

Me: I apologize in advance, I'm not the best at job interviews, I tend— Hiring Manager: No need to be nerv— Me: CAN I FINISH MY SENTENCE?

(at family dinner) so how’s everyone enjoying our last name