Jake Lambert
@jakelambertcom
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694
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TOUR ON SALE NOW! | For bookings contact Flo @offthekerb .co.uk - Jake doesn’t use Twitter / X find him on Instagram!
Battersea, London
Joined October 2010
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SAROCHA SHINES IN GUCCI
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D-Day
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LISA COMING SOON
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Coco
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#角巻わため生誕祭2024
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महिला जवान
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JXW THIS MAN PROLOGUE FILM
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UConn
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Week 8 of lockdown: My girlfriend made an art gallery for our cat.
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Two men on my train are laughing at a group of young Star Wars fans because they've dressed up as their favourite characters to go and see the film. The two men are on their way to watch Arsenal, and are both wearing Arsenal shirts.
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Hello! Could you maybe deliver those marmalade sandwiches to people who need them rather than leaving them outside a palace? Thanks.
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Hello darkness my old friend.
Darkness (2 days later): Sorry just saw this.
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“My mind's tellin' me no, but my body, my body's tellin' me yes”
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Usually hate Flying Ant Day but actually nice to see a planned event going ahead in 2020 tbh.
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‘Just so weird and graceless’ says a man who hacked a dead girl’s phone.
Why is Messi letting Martinez mock & humiliate Mbappe like this? They’re teammates at PSG, just so weird & graceless.
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.
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A fun game to play, is to text a friend asking where they are, then text them as though you're telling someone else.
http://t.co/rGcFyDqaNb
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[Job Interview]
“How do you perform under pressure?”
“I usually do the scat bit and my mate Steve does Bowie’s part”
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My "Mum" says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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Oxford Brookes vaccine 15% effective and still in bed.
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My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers, it really gets his Snickers in a Twix.
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I've never been able to perfect the art of opening a card on my birthday without making it look like I'm expecting money to fall out.
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Imagine if dogs found out they’re actually full of bones.
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Can’t get over the fact that the official Wimbledon website is .com and not .net
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I’m not usually one to gloat on social media but the lady on the checkout in Sainsbury’s just hit the ‘visibly over 25’ button when I was buying some Lemsip.
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Oh for f...
Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds name their baby boy Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas Johnson
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Do you know who else wanted their life back, Nigel? Every single person behind you in this photo.
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Incredible play by Labour: lose this election so the NHS gets shut down, meaning everyone over 65 dies and win the next one by a landslide. Inspirational.
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Joker was good but left a lot of loose ends, like what the hell happened to that poor boy whose parents were murdered in that alley?!
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Rosé is red,
WKD is blue,
I'm drun?k in a , wetherspoon s
and it's not even 2.
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Using Russian footballer's surnames to make puns? This is what dreams Samedov.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can't figure out if he does or not.
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Ignore the 'best before date' stickers on garlic bread, It's pretty much the worst thing to eat before a date.
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A fun thing to do is to search for people tweeting about the 'smell of cologne' but with one major spelling mistake.
http://t.co/dQ7F2tktcN
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A father and son are in a car accident. The father dies instantly and the son is rushed to hospital. The surgeon says “I can’t operate on this boy, he’s my son”
The paramedic says “WHAT SORT OF MENTAL RULE IS THAT? YOUR SON IS DYING!! WHY AREN’T YOU MORE UPSET ABOUT THIS??!!”
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Remember when Robert got tricked into thinking he had signed up for 'Cat Facts'...
http://t.co/NOw1PskRov
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All ships float
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I remember the day I saw a photographer get crushed by a huge block of cheese.
We all tried to warn him.
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If cats didn't exist people would want them so bad:
'Would you like a small tiger that will cuddle and not eat you?'
"I will do anything."
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My dad used to make seven figures a year. Which is what got him fired from the toy factory.
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I’m not saying that game was bad but I think it might be the worst thing America and England have done in the Middle East
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Before getting angry about the BBC salary list remember that they've probably saved an absolute shit load by hiring a female Doctor Who.
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I was lucky enough to open for Sean Lock a few times. He once made me laugh so much in the car that I had to pull over on the motorway. My own private gig. He was amazing.
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You should really know all this, guys.
What time will the Duke of Edinburgh's funeral take place, who will be there and what will happen?
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That's awful! What sort of person hacks somebody when they're still alive?!
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Imagine if dogs found out that they are actually full of bones!
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“I once spent less time in a job than the lifespan of a lettuce”
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A fun thing to do is to text people saying ‘Did you mean to tweet that?’
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Imagine referring to them as ‘failed engagements’ instead of ‘near Mrs’.
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We got my cat a miniature version of him and he can’t stop stroking it. You’re welcome.
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A girl on the train just googled 'Somebody vs Someone', she's either checking grammar or it's the vaguest search for a boxing match ever.
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Nobody will be using this emoji to show pinching.
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LAD BIBLE: Alan Sugar absolutely destroys Liverpool with one single tweet. Liverpool fans you might not want to read this 😂😂😂🙈🙈🙈
*click link and spend 3 minutes scrolling down*
Alan Sugar:
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I've seen enough films to know there is absolutely, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt a spy on my train.
http://t.co/1RJDTLbixX
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Gary Lineker Tweets ex wife.
She replies.
Porn account tweets them both.
Porn account gets surprise new follower:
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Can’t believe I have to wait until Christmas to post my ‘Was it a Silent Night or a SilenCED Night?’ Tweet.
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It’s going into Tier 3
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I used to hate it when people said 'Tell me something I don't know', until I learnt that otters have a pocket to store their favourite rock.
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Yet still nothing from
@BritishGas
😡
We're deeply saddened by the news that His Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh has passed away.
Our thoughts and condolences are with Her Majesty The Queen and the Royal Family 💙
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If you missed the debate last night this is the bit when they stopped arguing and performed a great rendition of Islands in the Stream.
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I’m not saying that half was bad but I think it might be the worst thing America and England have done in the Middle East
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Mariah Carey's husband sits awkwardly on the sofa: "You said all you wanted was m.."
Mariah: "DON'T SAY A WORD!"
"Bu..."
"A F%CKING WORD!!!"
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Thanks for tweeting. British Quesadilla Awards’ silence is deafening.
It is with great sadness that we acknowledge Her Majesty the Queen's passing. For 70 years, she stewarded us through our darkest and brightest days. Thank you Your Majesty. RIP
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It’s pretty disgraceful that women are not only paid less than men but that Mother’s Day is also an hour shorter than Father’s Day.
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If you were in a room with Donald Trump and Piers Morgan and you were only allowed to throw one punch which one would you hit after you'd kicked them both in the balls?
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This is great to watch if you imagine there’s a killer vampire on the loose
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I offered a free chest of drawers on our local Facebook group. A lady said she’d like them but her husband’s currently in A&E. I replied, ‘I hope he’s okay’. I wish I hadn’t.
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The man stood in front of me in this queue just Shazamed the song that’s playing in the shop and I need to tell you all immediately because the song that’s playing is Mr Brightside!!!!!!
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Whales would be pretty offended if they found out we listen to their conversations to help us fall asleep.
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[Calling hotel]
“Hello Best Western”
“Oh err…the good, the Bad and the ugly?”
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I can’t believe HMV are going into administration when they have such unbeatable deals as this.
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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It's funny how when Andy Murray wins he's British, but when you shorten the word 'refrigerator' to 'fridge' a random d suddenly appears.
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My "Mum" says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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Last year I put all the christmas decorations up myself. Then my mum had to take me to the hospital so I could get them all taken out.
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Social media accounts should require official ID to setup. That way if you send awful posts you’re found, charged, and if necessary you lose your account. Then it will slowly become a nicer place where people can’t hide behind aliases. Just a thought.
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Neither team look hungry for this. Which I’m sure is all down to Rashford.
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When God closes one door he opens another. When Jesus opens a door he leaves it open because he was literally born in a barn.
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I don't suppose anyone has a video of that Czech Republic goal? I know it's a long shot.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend.
Darkness (2 days later): Sorry just saw this...
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Could I do an impression of a flamingo being arrested? Easy, I could do it standing on one leg with my hands tied behind my back.
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