Jack Whitehall
@jackwhitehall
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WARNING: This account is now going to feature exclusively dad jokes.
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Can’t believe it’s been 10 years. So many happy memories, people always ask me if we’ll get back together - never say never. I’m waiting by the phone @NiallOfficial #10YearsOfOneDirection
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Always thought there was a time and a place for bagpipes. But by god that was the time and the place. Incredible.
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Just heard some kids arguing on the street. So pleased to hear the insult 'suck your mum' is very much still in circulation.
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The downside of working out with Glutenus Maximus @TheRock is that he has all the machines set on beast mode. A lot of this was going on.
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Dominic Cummings is late for his statement because there’s traffic on the A1.
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It would have been more entertaining if he’d just blamed it all on Carol Baskin.
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She can also use this celebration if they beat Holland in the final.
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You’d only need two things to make Dancing on Ice more entertaining. 1) Fatter Celebrities.2) Thinner Ice.
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Utterly devastating about Caroline Flack. She was a fun, kind beautiful person, always loved seeing her. So unfair that this has happened. Let’s pray we learn from this and remember to be a little bit more compassionate to people when they are down.
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This tweet didn’t age well.
What!? No! Not Eurovision. What will get cancelled next? Christmas? Happiness?.
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I loved the new Lion King. Watched it in a cinema packed full of family’s and children. I must apologies for audibly telling Scar to ‘f**k off’ at one point. I think I was a little pumped up.
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I cried. Slightly lost my shit. Then nearly passed out with a head rush. This is only the round of 16. God help us.
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1. When is the stag do?.2. Can I come?
Prince Harry and Ms Markle became engaged in London earlier this month.
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Spice Girls Reunion. Yes please. Apparently they are looking for a replacement ‘Posh’? You know where to find me.
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This reminds me of the time Redknapp tried to tell me he only did those Skechers adverts because he fell in love with the Directors creative vision.
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OH MY GOD. I have just been informed that during the recording of my christmas show with my father at The London Palladium a couple were kicked out of the theatre for having sex during the show. 😂😂😲😲.Who gets horny watching my dad tell anecdotes about Elaine Stritch!?.
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Don’t think I can be arsed so if someone wants to use my ‘1 exercise a day’ it’s all yours.
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Been on delayed plane for over an hour and just had this announcement: ‘this is your pilot checking in with an update. There is no update. I still don’t know anything. Thank you.’ .😂.Thanks hun.
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I think our Colonial past should be on the curriculum, that’s why History is so valuable. We can use it to inform ourselves and take lessons for the future. Let’s not put our national story through a nice Instagram filter. Discuss, debate and learn from it.
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STOP THE COUNT. Give him the glitter ball. Love this.
A Rapper's Delight from start to finish 🙌 Bill Bailey and Oti's epic routine is one for the #Strictly history books already. @BillBailey @OtiMabuse
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So sad about Sean Lock. He was such a special comedian. One of the quickest, most naturally witty people I’ve ever worked with. Worlds a less funny place without him. RIP.
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Woke up a bag of nerves this morning. Got the whole day to wait. Which way is it going to go in the Love Island recoupling?.
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I think it’s now time to start seriously considering the possibility that I might not have been invited to the Royal Wedding.
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If you then.don’t you dont.love me deserve me .at my at my
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.
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I think my worst nightmare would be someone filming me having sex, then Roy Keane watching it back and appraising my performance.
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In a depressing turn of events my mother has started using the word ‘banter’ in the family WhatsApp group.
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Fully expected to get butchered for that. Thank you so much for all your lovely tweets. What a show. I love Stormzy.
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Favourite Brits ever. Rod and Harry fighting over my mum, Queen Lizzo, Scottish Beyonce being a legend, Dave! Some of the best performances I’ve ever seen. Massive team of people make that show happen, well done to all of them! #BritAwards2020
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depsressing when your phone tells you your most frequently used emojis are the pint and the strong arm. little reminder that I'm a bellend.
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My taxi driver just got into a road rage incident and called the other driver a ‘salad’ what a great insult.
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That ticked every box of England misery bingo. Joke of a ref, missed pen, winning goal from a player that was a donkey in the prem. #NotComingHome.
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I'm playing for @NiallOfficial team at this charity football match, you can get your tickets here http://t.co/IflpoIbE6x.
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Really sad about the passing of Barry Chuckle, as you may know i was obsessed with the Chuckle Brothers as a kid. Legends. Rest in peace.
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You know your hungover when Face ID doesn’t recognise your face.
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I see Danny Dyer’s daughter is in Love Island - any would be suitors been warned. #ThePipe #LoveIsland
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Landed in Tokyo, what a place. I am a big fan of sushi and a jet of warm water up my asshole, so I think I’m going to have a great time here.
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The only way he comes back from this, is if there’s a longer version of the video where he pulls off a mask to reveal we’ve actually sold them Mustafi. #arsenal #Koscielny #Mustafi #muppets.
Nouveau joueur, nouveau maillot, retrouvez-le dès maintenant ici ➡
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Cocaine Bear origin story….
‘PADDINGTON IN PERU’ begins filming on July 24. (Source: Deadline)
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Travels With My Father Season 3 will be on Netflix September 6th!
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Love to see it. If Kronke came onto the pitch someone would have to tell him which team Arsenal where.
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That was amazing! #NHS so brilliantly British. I think tomorrow at 8pm we should all go to our windows and do a collective eye roll and tut for every dumb tit ignoring government advice.
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US Customs Official: What is the purpose of your stay?.Me: Disney press tour. Official: Who is your primary contact?.(Long pause).Me: Mickey Mouse?.*tumbleweed*.
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One day I will learn as an Englishmen to never let myself think that it might be coming home.
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Just walked past a Quicksilver shop and had a horrendous flashback to being thirteen and having a Quicksilver hoodie and a necklace with a shark tooth on it. Oh and Adidas glasses. Plllayaaa.
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There’s a lot of very depressing stuff on Twitter today. So let’s unite in this, I used to look like an absoloute knob. 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈.
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Arsenal are going to be out of the Super League even quicker than they tend to be out of the Champions League.
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Line of Duty is so brilliant. Made in a pandemic, without a Hollywood budget, brilliant performances everywhere. Proper event television. No other show do I get calls from all of my family afterwards to talk about the twists and quote Tedisms in a terrible Northern Irish accent.
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New Lion King trailer is amazing. I’m billing @Disney for the therapy I’m going to need. As if watching a cartoon Musfasa dying wasn’t traumatic enough, now I can see the light drain from his eyes in IMAX 3D. #TheLionKing.
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If Southgate wins us the World Cup I think @GaryLineker should do Match of The Day in just a waistcoat. #ENG #WorldCup.
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Ha my father just tried to put some music on that wasn't Buble. I just shut his ass the f**k down. We're on 48hour Buble lock down.
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World Cup withdrawal symptoms quite bad today. My cleaner found me locked in a cupboard rocking back and forth mumbling ‘it’s coming home’.
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Guys how did you find my Elizabeathen Tindr profile??
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I’d honestly rather have that rotting lettuce in number 10 than Boris again.
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I would pay so much to see these to settle this dispute like men. Shirts off in the Sky Sports car park.
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Happy birthday @Harry_Styles off to get your face tattooed on my cheek (butt) to celebrate your existence.
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Christmas is cancelled. This couldn’t get any worse. Arsenal: hold my beer.
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What an innings Alastair Cook, the only way it could be more fairytale is if with the final delivery he clobbers a six and the ball lands on @piersmorgan.
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This makes me all the more upset I wasn’t asked to voice the audio book.
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No one puts Theresa in the corner.
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No more Daily Briefing. Going to miss it. Maybe they should do a compilation show, or get Rylan to count us down the best bits.
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I just had to explain to an American the importance of East 17 Stay Another Day. How was that song not a global hit. Should be our national anthem!.
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Ok ‘pissed’ is not a word your allowed to say on breakfast television. Who knew?.
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After eating this (his first McDonalds in 15 years) I heard @fatherwhitehall tell my mum that he’d just had ‘something called a Chicken McFlurry’ also notice the smuggled in Pinot and makeshift ice bucket.
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It’s not even 10:30am and Tom Skinner has already had Pie and Chips with Wayne Lineker, sold 500 mattresses and appeared on national television to defend the concept of ‘banter’. What a time to be alive.
'Landlords should be on the ball.'. @iamtomskinner says pubs shouldn't have to employ more staff to be 'banter' police, landlords should take more responsibility for the behaviour in their pubs.
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I never thought it would happen and I can’t believe I’m saying this. But I genuinely think Tottenham might be in with a chance of winning a trophy here. #worldcup.
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Is the UK actually going to do the political equivalent of booty calling it’s toxic ex? Peak banter era UK.
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Mother before, during and after her first rollercoaster in nearly a decade. 😂
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Papastathopoulos, Mkhitaryan, Aubameyang - Arsenal are becoming a really hard team to support for a dyslexic.
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Big up Leicester City. Really hope they qualify for the Champions League. Especially if it’s at the expense of one of the Super League cabal. They are such a well run club. Chat shit behind everyone’s back to line your own pockets - get banged.
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Happy Halloween. Anyone need any inspiration for a costume?
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My fathers face when my mother told him the christmas crackers where from Poundland. 🤯.
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Over heard an american in the hotel who had just seen @fatherwhitehall in the lobby and was trying to explain Travels With my Father to his friend: “it’s about an esteemed English actor from the 1950s who goes on vacation with his doofus son.” 😂.
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Someone been watching a bit too much Bad Education.
Teacher who took pupils to a strip club while drunk during school trip banned from teaching.
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I’m done with basketball. I always preferred Netball anyway.
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In Bristol might go to this Restaurant. It's either Chinese or Geordie can't work it out.
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Just spent my Friday night rearranging my spice rack. 21st of June couldn’t come soon enough.
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Just had a medical proffesional refer to my leg muscles as ‘weedy’ is that allowed? 😂.
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