To whom it may concern,
Last night my husband complained about a foot cramp.
Please find his body under the shed.
Sincerely engorged,
Three days postpartum
The hot salami and prosciutto panini I waited my entire pregnancy for didn’t survive long enough for a photo so here’s a pic of our little chunker instead. Charcuterie is back bitches.
How to bridesmaid at two decades pregnant. Part II: a wide berth.
@RobbieAmell
if you make a comment about how long it took us to get down the aisle I’ll throw you off this party bus.
My husband just googled “can you put a baby in a golf cart?”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know how to hide the body.
There’s no one else I’d rather have giggled my way through marrying. Happy Anniversary Daddio. ♥️
Now please wake up and come change the explosion in your sons pants.
If I have to tell you one more time not to wear your white socks outside I will post your golf simulator online for free and put my foot through your xbox.
Your honor I’d like to submit to evidence in support of hormonal rage that prior to his demise my husband had the energy for the gym in the afternoon and
@xbox
at night.
K but remember how the director told us to kiss and you had zero reaction because you were a professional and I was pissed off that you weren’t even a little bit excited ha look at you now sucker.
Me: I don’t want to raise a spoiled brat.
My Dad: I found a pirate ship toddler bed and installed a plexiglass floor for him to watch us swim underneath in the pool.
I’m giving it my breast shot but this learning curve looks less like a curve and more like a crying mom with knives in her boobs and milk up her kid’s nose.
Kiddo - you’ll prob see these posts in 13 yrs or whenever you’re supposed to let your child get social so I want to be clear that despite everything I know how lucky I am. I cannot wait to meet you and I am so happy that you exist. Now go clean your room. Or ask your robot to. 💋
Recently I’ve found myself taking eight minutes to roll over trying to get comfortable and end up staring right at my husband’s beautiful face fast asleep all easy and peacefully until I want to punch it so badly I have to roll back over to cool off.
What’s your morning routine?
What a wild year. Happy birthday to my favorite kid that I’m not married to. And happy we-made-it-a-year-and-haven’t-murdered-eachother-even-though-it’s-been-close to my other favorite.
Feel like I’ve been pregnant for 3 years. Again, yes there is only one in there and no I’m not due any day now. Making this a
#sharestrong
post bc the thought of meeting the critter makes all of this worth it. Until then
@robbieamell
grab some
@joespizzala
&
@saltandstraw
please.
Count your blessings not your carbs today.
For example I’m blessed that my husband is home hosting the perfect Thanksgiving for our friends and family so I’m trying not to think about the fact that I have to miss it and that there’s no way he is setting the table decor properly.
Hey remember when I went on about how I’ll keep my kid stimulated only with educational and developmental toys and activities and never just throw him in front of the TV? LOL what an idiot.
What it looks like when only one parent drinks coffee and the other one legitimately sleeps like a fake model who is about to get grounded from video games if he doesn’t wake the hell up.
When we told the fam these scratch cards were the beginning of a murder mystery game night. Mom almost had a heart attack so it nearly was. Listen closely to hear Dad ask
@robbieamell
if it’s his while my brothers grill me about my glass of wine. I love this video so much.
#TBT
What happens when you follow mom into the nursery when kiddo wakes up every hour last night. Appreciate the company but we don’t both have to suffer. That’s what husbands are for.
Looking homeless because mom wasn’t prepared for a growth spurt while stuck in a closed ski town at 7,600ft for two weeks.
Kiddo I owe you a no vegetables at dinner card in about 6 years but if you’re reading this you’re grounded get off social media and eat your vegetables.
Actor
@RobbieAmell
is no stranger to comedy or sci-fi, which may explain why he feels so at home in the new comedy,
@UploadOnPrime
. He discusses his character, creating the show, and what it’s like collaborating with his comedy idols here:
First lesson for my kid is that no one has your back. Can’t even trust family.
I’ll tell him about the time everyone at home let me watch Forrest Gump for the first time when I was 11 years pregnant with him and LEFT HALFWAY THROUGH for me to finish it alone.
I need a minute.
Mr. Independent insists on helping with the groceries now. So we can only buy eggs during naps because it’s easier to make two trips to the supermarket than to negotiate with a terrorist.
Men crush Monday. And by men I mean IV, V, and most definitely
@timhortons
. Speaking of crushing
@code8movie
is KILLING IT. If you haven’t seen it, it’s out on demand and in select theaters now. 😍
#MCM
Caught the flu at 850 months pregnant and slept through
#nationaldogday
. Kidding, I don’t sleep anymore. Mostly just laid in bed sweating and groaning. Fur real, I couldn’t pawsibly feel more ruff. 🐾
Husband took me on a surprise date and didn’t stop me from wearing bulky rain boots knowing we were going go-karting. I wiped the track with him anyway so here’s me gloating and him still being a nice guy bc one of us has to be a good person in this relationship and it ain’t me.
Freshly dual citizens feeling good about finally being able to vote.
Quit looking so judgy kiddo you’ll be doing this in 18 years if you know what’s good for you.
Not to make this about me but man I married into some excellent genes.
@Code8
is awesome. And I’m not just saying that because I’m sleeping with the lead.
On demand tomorrow! 🙌🏻
Happy I-now-weigh-more-than-my-husband Day to me. There better be cake. And pad thai.
Also big ups to
@MieleUSA
for a coffee machine with perfect grooves for iPhone self-timers. 👊🏻
Tried to be a cute mom this morning with some mascara and a topknot. Lasted about four minutes before turning into raccoon eyes and a rats nest. Thanks
@trainingmate
. I need a coffee. Or twelve.
Looking to get super stressed out? Try putting the kettle on then go to the bathroom and get stuck on a toilet seat that shifted and is threatening to snap while the whistle screams and screams from the kitchen
@RobbieAmell
come home help me please I’m too pregnant for this shit