Hanna Dickinson
@hansdickie
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Hilarious comedian with daddy issues seeking same.
New York, USA
Joined July 2014
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Pinned Tweet
I found out my 30 y.o brother bakes one cookie a night which is a level of sadness I have yet to unlock
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When I leave a guy’s apartment and his 9 roommates are in the living room
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If you weren't sure of how bad things have gotten, Amazon is out of podcast mics.
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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The nurse asked me if I was sexually active with men or women, and I told her it depends on the night. She’s been typing for 10 minutes.
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I jokingly reminded my grandpa that we were the only single people in the family and he seriously reminded me that’s only because his wife died.
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What's upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we're best friends multiple times a day
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Today was the last day I could make a salad with this lettuce. Then a lightbulb fell off my shelf and shattered perfectly into the bowl. I literally just got permission from God to order pizza
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3 years ago, I was on a first date where the guy told me that I seem like I eat in bed, and I think about that every time I eat in bed (every night for the past 3 years)
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A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.
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Kris Jenner calling TMZ after tracking Kylie's car to Tyga's house
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A woman in my building was talking to the police because there was a man exposing himself in our lobby and they asked her to describe him and she said, “maybe 7 inches?”
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At what age can you visit home without getting in trouble, because it’s not 29.
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A year ago my friend and I dropped acid and went on a joint Tinder date. She now has a boyfriend who she lives with, and I now have a sponsor who texts me good morning sometimes.
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Pete Davidson needs do a masterclass on how to date up
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Everyone talks about how video games make teenage boys violent but no one talks about how romcoms make women in their 30s single
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Friends in relationships: You need to learn how to be alone
Me who lives alone, eats alone, goes to movies alone, travels alone: You're right.
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we're actually just really poor
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And I know it’s not a competition but how the fuck did Jennifer Lopez get engaged twice before I even get one boyfriend
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In college, my roommate got really upset because she drunkenly went home with a guy she thought was CeeLo Green and then sobered up and realized he wasn’t. But I would still argue it’s more upsetting that she wanted to go home with CeeLo Green
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My dog licked a toddler at the airport and her dad freaked out that she might have rabies now. I said, “no, you’re thinking of herpes” which, turns out, is not a good joke.
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At 29, I don’t send “risky texts”, I send my honest feelings that I’m fully aware will go unanswered
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My friend married the first and only guy she met from a dating app. Can you fucking imagine ?
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It's not that women hold grudges more than men, it's that men believe that not talking for 6 months is the same thing as an apology.
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A few weeks ago I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by a man pretending to my Uber driver and have recently found out this is a regular occurrence. .
@Uber
what are you doing to help?
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How has no one told men over 40 that they don't have to sneeze like that
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Yeah sex is great but have you ever gotten over someone you were obsessed with for 4 years?
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Watching White Lotus between seasons of Succession is my version of summering in the Hamptons
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A guy dumped me because he saw me more as a friend but now he’s marrying his “best friend” so like which one is it Paul?
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Dentist: do you know how to effectively brush your teeth?
Me: are you mad at me?
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My dad saw a condom wrapper on my floor and freaked out saying he didn’t know I had a boyfriend, but I assured him that condom was from a guy I met once & will never see again.
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Imagine being so stupid, you send your parents to jail
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It’s crazy how much bachelorette parties think other people care.
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If a girl has her college graduation year in her bio, she’s too young for you dude
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I asked my friend if she wanted to get high and make TikToks and she said couldn't because she was 28.
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“I hope this email finds you well”
How the email found me:
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There’s no rush quite like when someone at a dinner party brings up the one book you’ve ever read
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A year ago I ate a man’s sandwich on an airplane that slide back during takeoff so I assumed it was trash. We now know COVID was already in the US
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“There’s still a pandemic” - me, every Friday realizing I have no weekend plans
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Honestly this does feel like an appropriate time for Amanda Bynes to be pregnant.
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Obviously Q-tips are bad for you. They feel too fucking good.
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A guy suggesting a day date on a Wednesday is him soft launching his unemployment
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“She will be loved” - Adam Levine scrolling through his Instagram explore page
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All my friends are getting engaged while I’m still relating to a 17 y.o’s songs about heartbreak
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There are a lot of girls right now who think tonight will go well for them.
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The Sex and the City reboot makes it very clear why Kim Cattrall quit. She read the script.
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I have told my coworker I have nothing going on for the weekend for so many weeks that I started making shit up to make her feel better
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Hey while this is doing well, I’d like to announce that I am starting a podcast.
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‘Marry, Fuck, Kill” is a game where you guess a guy’s intentions while swiping on a dating app
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If a woman asks what time you were born, you’re in trouble.
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I’m so single, I don’t even check who views my Instagram story
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My friend and I took mushrooms together over FaceTime & forever.
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It's so unfair a guy can go from a 5 to a 9 by growing a beard or leaving me on read.
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My boyfriend and I picked out our couples costume 6 months ago. We broke up 3 months ago.
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A guy I hooked up with 9 years ago just texted me this
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men need to learn the difference between being a minimalist and not having a bed frame or any sort of table
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Him: I’m going to Google you
Me: I guess this is goodbye then
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I read that Billie Eilish was dating an old man, so I looked into it and he’s my age. Fuck.
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Before posting on Instagram, I have to consider the people I’ve lied to about my day
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Why would I pay $30 for an escape room when I can take an edible and go to Whole Foods on a Sunday?
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No one:
Gwyneth Paltrow: Here's another reason to dislike me
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Instead of a first photo challenge for couples, I want to see who everyone lost their virginity to.
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Airlines are trying to calm Coronavirus panic by sending emails like, “remember when we held boarding for 30 minutes to clean the plane? Now we actually do that”
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‘Basically having sex’ is what men call two women having sex
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Without abortions, how will we save our kids from getting shot?
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Can I wear white to a wedding if I wasn't invited and my ex has no idea I'm coming?
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Last week my dad offered to pay for cooking classes to help with my dating “situation” but I told him the guys I date are already full from eating my ass. We haven’t spoken since.
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therapist: do you journal?
me: Yeah, on Twitter.
Therapist: No.
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“I hate New Years” is a cooler way of saying “I don’t have any friends or money”
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In high school, my dad wouldn't let me watch the OC because he thought it was a bad influence, so I had to wait 10 years to watch it from the DVD box set during my month in rehab
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my mom called to tell me she did not find this tweet funny
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They say you meet the person you’re going to marry before you turn 25, so it’s down to my brother & dad
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I expect a guy to take me to dinner the 3rd time I sleep with him.
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*Chris D’elia workshopping an apology with his agent*
Chris: What if I say she had 22 y.o tits
Agent: Maybe..my wife is shaking her head no
Chris: Is there some sort of disease I could get for sympathy?
Agent: Technically pedofilia is a disease..my wife is shaking her head no
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My psychic told me I was going to meet my next relationship at work which sucks because now I need a job too.
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My mom never talked to me about safe sex, she just dressed me in Bermuda shorts so I would never have it.
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If the person you're dating starts "doing a lot of soul searching", you're fucked.
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