(Interrupting my wife’s zoom meeting) Hey babe I noticed you didn’t cut my blueberries in half when u made my snack earlier? I guess you want me to choke and die? (Noticing myself reflected in her webcam next to her coworkers) nightmare blunt rotation lmao

commenting “ai slop” on couples’ valentine’s day pics

Bad news for pedophiles : The Dow is now under 50k.

Damn girl. Proceed to the route

"Oh you should watch this movie it's so sad" Yeah, no thanks. I like movies where a motorcycle gets driven off a bridge onto a boat

“As a little treat”-ing myself into crippling lifelong addictions

Being old as hell is underrated. Just casually excreting feces while placing a drink order at the bar

Is The Nightmare scheduled to proceed as usual today?

Eat 37,000 calories worth of food alone in darkness and silence challenge 2026

This new year, I resolve to stop telling strangers and acquaintances I’m going to k*ll myself in casual conversations

Being a dad is probably fun because you’re just smarter funnier and stronger than the people you spend 90% of your time interacting with (wife and children) and they respect and fear you (because of your drinking)

Ah, don’t worry about it. It’s just The Curse actin’ up again

Maybe I shouldn’t have made my LinkedIn bio “a haunted man with a dark past”

My favorite winter cocktail is bourbon + Fabuloso on the rocks

Billion dollar business idea: Fraud

(suicidal grindset guy) When I jump, it’s gonna be from the penthouse

(small talk with a philosopher) so, what are things

No I completely understand. It's no big deal, I'll probably just become violent

This year, I resolve to find The Man Who Did It

It’s so funny when pro athletes are like “at the darkest time in my life, I considered retiring at age 28 with 500 million dollars” Brother every single day last week I threatened to kill myself at work at my job where people pee on me while I get electrocuted