(visiting dying elementary school teacher at the hospital) am I still in timeout

My wife gave me the birds and the bees talk but it just doesn't add up. How does she know so much about animals

Bird photos from this year

Hey hold up guys Steve is having another one of his visions Friend with clairvoyance but only for high radiation areas: (pointing at barren hill) lers go stand over there

I wish earth would stop orbiting around the sun. You can tell it's making it uncomfortable

Gf: I hate it when you stare at that precious opal for hours. Do you have any idea how many people were betrayed and killed over it Me: Yes

My dumb ass finally just comes around to always think fire's weakness is water and then this happens

If you die around Christmas you get a Life Wrapped showing you statistics on how many people you've hurt and then you go to hell

My mom said I could sleep over at your house forever

(in the local group chat at 4am) Does anyone have a toy I can borrow mine ran out of fun

(Genetic scientists chatting by water cooler) My biomass doesn't wanna talk to me anymore

For whom the squid wards

Me: hey I'm going to the store you want anything My incorporeal roommate: Please forget me...

Used zeit salesman: oh it geists, it geists

(texting friend) hey wanna hang out in my dreams later friend: uhhh sorry I'm trying to cut down on dreamwalking friend: (in oneironaut group chat I'm not in) naptime anyone

There are no products that are truly "cruelty-free". Existence is inherently cruel

The urge to strangle people when they turn around is always there but you can get better at controlling it even if their neck is huge

Today's walk

Made the icons for all my playlists ceramic tiles so I can look at something beautiful

(Gifting you a directional microphone and a pair of binoculars in front of your family at Christmas) Married or not you'll always be Henry the Pervert to me