Writer: Full Circle, No Sudden Move, Mosaic, Men in Black. Co-writer: the Bill & Ted movies, Now You See Me, others. Fiction: Vanity Fair, The New Yorker.
The people who got mad at or threatened by Greta Thunberg’s anger & emotionalism and called it childish & immature are the same people who applauded Brett Kavanaugh’s anger & emotionalism and called it righteous indignation
Today is both a palindrome and an ambigram. Which means it can be read backwards and forwards as well as upside down. This may be my most useful tweet ever. Good day.
Elon Musk arrived at Twitter carrying a sink and documenting it on Twitter, saying: “Entering Twitter HQ – let that sink in!”
It’s not just that he thought it was funny enough to tweet. It’s that he thought it was so funny that it was worth getting and then carrying a sink.
For those saying writers (most of whom hold 2nd jobs, btw) are "rich," let me put it in a way that may make more sense to you: 1 script made into a film creates btwn 200 & 1000+ jobs. A successful film brings in 100s of millions+ in revenue, $0 of which is shared with the writer.
At the cafe where I'm writing the people next to me were disagreeing about the origins of Men in Black & I said "If you'd like, I could clear that up for you" & one responded: "I'm sorry, we do not need an old white male's mansplanation." So I apologized and that was that.
WHY I WILL LOVE
@HamillHimself
FOREVER (THREAD OF 4):
When a friend's son (who was, so tragically, dying from an incurable illness) made a wish: to meet Luke Skywalker, it fell on me -- the only person the dad knew who worked in the film business -- to make a call. 1/4
@HamillHimself
He not only met with the boy, but spent hours answering question after question (sometimes the same ones repeatedly), AS "Luke." Even posting this now makes me teary. He was compassionate, kind, and patient. And it literally meant the world to this kid and his family. 4/4
I honestly can’t tell if, when things fully open up, I’m gonna bust out like crazy or if I’m gonna feel more like one of those dogs whose gotten so used to his crate he just kinda prefers it there now
“Do you hear that Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the six-fingered man killed my father. Every Princess Bride fan who wants to see that perfect movie preserved from Hollywood politics makes it now.”
In August 1985 I was awakened by a call saying "Are you the Night Stalker?" I hung up, thinking it was a weird prank. But it kept happening. That's when I learned - from a reporter on the other end - that I was a prime suspect in that grisly RIchard Ramirez murder spree.
You know what else Harvey Weinstein used to do? Buy a little indie film at a festival.. only to bury it because it competed, in his mind, with another film of his. Those films - and all that hard work - would never be seen again.
In my case, films I wrote have generated over $2billion. Studio accounting has us believe NOT ONE is in profit even though they've spawned multiple sequels. Thus I've gotten exactly $0 of my 5% of net points. The residuals I get are only cuz 50 yrs ago writers went on strike.
BREAKING GOOD NEWS ALERT:
New Zealand has announced it no longer has any patients in hospital being treated for coronavirus.
It comes on the fifth straight day where no new cases have been reported.
This is what winning looks like.
🇳🇿
Kamala should show up in a full hazmat suit and start by saying “Whoever is head of the Coronavirus Task Force almost got the President killed anyways what’s the first question?”
He sells troops.
“We have a very good relationship with Saudi Arabia—I said, listen, you’re a very rich country. You want more troops? I’m going to send them to you, but you’ve got to pay us. They’re paying us. They’ve already deposited $1B in the bank.”
One man’s “romantic” is another man’s “SHE WAS ON MILE SIXTEEN LET HER FINISH THE FUCKING MARATHON CAN AT LEAST *ONE* THING SHE DOES NOT BE ABOUT *YOU* I GIVE THIS MARRIAGE THREE YEARS TOPS PLEASE GIRLFRIENDS TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER”
SHE SAID YES: A woman who was running in Sunday’s New York City Marathon was at mile 16 when her longtime boyfriend hopped over the barrier and dropped to one knee. She ended the day with a medal around her neck and a ring on her finger.
**Please spread this as wide as possible**
IF YOU HAVE AN HDTV YOU *MUST* TURN OFF THE MOTION SMOOTHING OPTION IN SETTINGS IF YOU DON’T WANT IT TO LOOK LIKE A CHEAP SOAP OPERA OR A BAD KARAOKE VIDEO.
This drives me INSANE. It ruins almost *everyone’s* work.
So a scammer hacked my friend’s FB and reached out to me. I managed to keep him on the hook all morning. The following is my conversation with him - verbatim.
I've never told this story about Garry Shandling because I felt like it would violate some weird vow I made to myself 25 years ago. But here, missing Garry on the 3rd anniversary of his death, I'd like to tell it.
I promised this to some people a while ago (sorry for the delay, had to get them down from storage again). These are very first pages from the original, hand-written draft of Bill & Ted, written in a coffee shop by Chris Matheson & me in what now seems like another life. 1/
BIG POLL OF MY TWO CATS. 100% THINK THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE CONSISTS OF A LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN AND 2 BEDROOMS, AND THAT I AM SOME KIND OF GOD (Thank you!). 50% say they should be allowed to shit anywhere (funny!). I LOVE SCIENTIFIC SURVEYS!
BIG CPAC STRAW POLL RESULTS: 93% APPROVE OF THE JOB PRESIDENT TRUMP IS DOING (Thank you!). 50% say President Trump should Tweet MORE or SAME (funny!). 79% say Republicans in Congress should do a better job of working with President Trump (starting to happen).
So.. my daughter & I had thanksgiving on the roof. Just the two of us. It was truly beautiful. And then zoomed with the extended family, all of whom did similar types of things. And it was legitimately special and made me appreciate everything more.
Short answer: Giving thanks.
Good news! Bill & Ted Face the Music opens September 1st. You can see it in a theater OR at home on Video On Demand - your choice. And here's the (new) full trailer. Party On!
The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is launching a class for private citizens on how to arrest undocumented immigrants. The course will train *non-agents in firearms* and how to make “targeted arrests.”
(Btw, the writers who struck back then for residuals *I* get now did so knowing *they'd* receive *none* of it. Part of their agreement was that what they were striking for would be for those coming *after* them, not them. We really strike not for us, but for the next generation.)
@HamillHimself
..Luke was fictional). The agent begrudgingly said he'd call Mark, but also said not to get my hopes up. 90 seconds later I got a call from
@HamillHimself
, who immediately said yes and gave me his home address. 3/4
And saying "Oh, they'll do it cuz they love working" is.. disingenuous, at best. Writers will always write for the love & for the art - but we won't do *that* for the studios. We write for studios because of other things we love, like feeding our kids & having, you know, shelter.
Kellyanne Conway: "This is COVID-19, not COVID-1 folks, and so you would think the people in charge of the World Health Organization, facts and figures, would be on top of that."
Just to be clear: he didn’t have it but also the FBI planted it which was ok because he’d already declassified it plus everyone does it and anyhow he still needed to read it to be prepared for the job he hasn’t had for 18 months
I’ve had gigantic disappointments, and waaaaay more failures than successes. But then I see things like this and I feel like, at the end of th day, at least we put something good out into the world.
@HamillHimself
Not knowing Mark, I called his agent and explained that this lovely boy watched Star Wars every day and wanted to meet NOT Mark Hammill, but, rather, the actual CHARACTER that he played (the boy's own mental state had devolved past the point of being able to grok that... 2/4
This is what happened to the 1st homosexual couple in Sodom and Gomorrah. Found dead and dried. Do you still want to continue in the same sin? The Lord will judge you
#KisumuBibleExpo
My mom (89) called, teary, from the train to say that despite her doctor (who said she'd never walk again), she'd just completed a 3 1/2 mile hike w 7500 steps & 750 stairs. I asked what she's gonna do when she gets home & she said "Call the doctor & tell him to go fuck himself."
No. It’s that feeling when you’ve done one of the most mature things possible: taken unbearable pain and turned it into something positive. These kids have done more to change the world in a week than most do in a lifetime. Let them have some f***ing joy.
In honor of the release of MiB:International (I guess), I just got my new Men in Black profit statement.. which shows it STILL in the red. The fact that they've made a FOURTH ONE confirms, as I've always said, that the big studios are only in it for the art.
CNN's
@drsanjaygupta
on how bad COVID is in USA rn: "Doctors Without Borders have come to the United States to do their work. They go to the hottest spots in the world, they look at the Earth and say where are we needed? Well, they're needed here in the United States right now."
The one time I used an airplane phone was to call Barry Sonnenfeld & say "I've got it! There's an alien *inside his head* & he operates the body with a series of levers and pulleys!" We talked for a while. When I hung up, the woman next to me was asking if she could change seats.
SHE WROTE TO ME! She saw this thread on Reddit and realized it was her and she reached out! Oh my god it was so sweet. And she really made me laugh at the end cause she said basically “PS which one of us was right, me or my friend?” (About their disagreement) (it was her)
Okay, I’ll admit it: Alex & Keanu aren’t even *in* the movie. They’re just photoshopped into photos to lure unsuspecting Patriots so we can inculcate them with Soros-sponsored “medicine” about Inuit rights & the climate hoax & that condescending/elitist “girls are equal” agenda
Oh no.... Are those supposed to be their daughters? I hope this isn't a "Bill and Ted in the movie for five minutes and here's their daughters going on a woke adventure" mistake.
Waking back tonight in Rome we stumbled upon the spot where Caesar was knifed. In doing a little research, we found that 7,144 Google users rated it an average of 4.4. The literal spot Julius Caesar was killed: 4.4. I have nothing to say about this, except, maybe, welcome to now.
The studios ARE losing money, just as they say. My recent Men in Black profit statement proves that the film, though having generated over $595 million in revenue, has actually *cost* Sony over $598 million. SO close, too: off by just .02%/yr. *They* should be picketing *us.*
Okay my newest Men in Black profit statement has it losing money at an increasing rate! It’s down over $6 mil this year! At this rate I’ll get my 5% of net profits in 4830 B.C. Seriously, whatever they’re doing with it - which is, I think, nothing - they should really just stop.
My daughter is having an 18th birthday party. The theme is “Dress like 2001.” My first thought was: oh, sweet, these kids will look so cool in their clothes from the future. My second thought was: oh, wait, that’s the past. My third thought was: oh, fuck, I’m just old, aren’t I?
The other day a woman related a story to me about how her mother had viciously berated her since she was a child. And how one day it was happening in an elevator - in front of others. When the door opened on their floor the mother bolted out but just as SHE started to go.. 1/
The amount of people rushing to the defense of this poor defenseless richest man in the world to me says everything about so much of why we are where we are
Every film - as with every TV show - is an industry in and of itself. We are essentially building businesses in partnership with the financing entities. How is it fair that the creators and co-creators of these exceedingly lucrative businesses be forced to work as gig workers?
Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos is reportedly concerned that if they give a fair deal to writers & actors in the U.S. that it will set a precedent for writers/actors in other territories to ask for fair deals.
(Source: )
BISHOP MARIANN BUDDE: "The President just used a Bible - the most sacred text of the JudeoChristian tradition, and one of the churches of my diocese - without permission - as a backdrop for a message antithetical to the teachings of Jesus & everything that our churches stand for.
Hey
@disneyplus
,
@netflix
,
@hbomax
,
@amazon
. I work for all of you. This
@IATSE
negotiation is not about bottom line. It’s about the human beings who really make these movies happen. Please be decent. They are not being unreasonable. Decent hours. Decent wages. They are us.
I don’t understand. Why would someone who was happy to release his tax returns but only couldn’t because he was being audited & therefore didn’t want to break the law now suddenly be trying to literally change the law just so he doesn’t have to release his tax returns?
And he knew that by NOT going there.. by not coming in for the kill - or the credit - he could - truly - make that feeling last a lot longer. Maybe even forever.
I think about Garry a lot. My life would - literally - not have been the same without him. Rest in.. well, just rest.
Does anyone really believe that Joe Biden shattered Obama’s historic 2008 numbers?
Does anyone really believe that he did that mostly in big cities?
C’mon man!!!
This is very clear. He doesn’t like Cuomo. He’s mad at New York. So he’ll make lots of people die. In his mind he owns the country and New Yorkers weren’t nice to him.
Some guy sent a really mean quote tweet about me to his (literally) 0 followers & I found it kind of.. weirdly sweet? So I followed him then he blocked me & I thought wow what a bizarre interaction between 2 actual humans then I thought wait this is actually a total waste of time
The greatest work of science fiction I’ve ever been involved with - my Men in Black profit statement - arrived for the holidays. Sadly it lost 6x what it lost last period. Impressive for a movie that hasn’t been out in 22 years. Unless it’s been *sneaking* out. Yeah, that’s it.
In honor of the release of MiB:International (I guess), I just got my new Men in Black profit statement.. which shows it STILL in the red. The fact that they've made a FOURTH ONE confirms, as I've always said, that the big studios are only in it for the art.
Today is the last day of filming on Bill and Ted Face the Music. It’s been truly an honor to be a kind of bridge between the wonderful group of artists who made the movie and the incredible base of fans for whom the movie was made, and without whom it wouldn’t have even existed.
Last year I signed legislation that gives our Veterans CHOICE, through private providers, and at urgent care facilities! Today we fully funded this $10 billion a year effort that gets our brave Veterans care quickly, and close to home.
Everything about being a writer is summed up in this:
Stewart Stern was asked in the 90s by a writing class for a copy of his 1955 script for Rebel Without a Cause. He dug one out of the closet, opened it for a sec..
.. and began to cross out a line he felt he didn’t need.