drew janda
@drewjanda
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writer with like two credits. ready to have a baby. also i did @biden4pres . repped by @aschauer_esq . @dogballs .info on bluesky
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2010
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#TheKingdomsConcert
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All To Myself D-2
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無料10連
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I fed an AI the word “beans” every day for a year and this is what it came up with:
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America: why is everyone getting misinformation about medicine
Also America: simply looking at a doctor will cost you ten thousand dollars
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Certified freak, *seven* days a week? This is why we must unionize
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly great call from the haters
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MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BEES TO MY CAR
I SPILLED
ALL OVER MY CAR
BEES ARE
INSIDE OF MY CAR
THEY COULD KILL ME
I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula's castle, Dracula's like "hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you're fine" and Jonathan is like "weird, but yes absolutely"
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Hell yes a charcuterie board. Yeah give me room temperature meat and cheese. Just fuckin, leave it out. Yeah leave it out on the table I want that loose meat and cheese to sweat. Can it be expensive too that would be so sick
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@DorksDelight
@clarisselou
So it’s actually simpler than you would think but it involves signing a contract with the actual devil
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@louisducdanjou
I am honored. Honored. To tell the descendant of King Louis XVI to get stuffed in a locker.
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Extremely funny to visit Dracula having never heard of Dracula and every time it's clear you are in danger just shrugging it off being like "well, that's Eastern Europe for you"
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Like he shows up in the town outside the HAUNTED FOREST where Dracula lives and all the villagers are like terrified for him, praying over him, handing him charms, and he's like "wow you guys are being drama fr"
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Over his stay he gets paler and sicker every day and Dracula gets younger looking and healthier and it isn't until he sees Dracula CLIMBING A WALL LIKE SPIDERMAN that he starts to *suspect* something is off
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Carriage and driver show up to take Jonathan Harkness to Dracula's castle which - again - is in a haunted forest. The driver has RED EYES and is cloaked in all black, his horses are like, bleeding, and Jonathan is like "this is probably normal here"
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Wow this blew up. Don’t ever buy anything because an advertisement tells you to. Want for nothing. Material goods will never make you happy. Learn how to cook. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Love your neighbor. Burn flags, plant flowers
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In any case, the book is free on a lot of online stores/apps and it holds up as a terrifying read. 11/10 can't recommend enough
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@louisducdanjou
Am I high or is this Frenchman running to the defense of an effigy of KING LOUIS. DURING A REVOLT. Holy shit can we rebuild the Bastille and burn it down again in front of you
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Ahh yes, The Joker, the most complex character ever written for the screen. The film boldly asks the question: what if a guy sucked
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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We looked for candidates everywhere: the Harvard Lampoon, UCB, the Harvard Lampoon again,
Late-Night EPs Say Lack of Candidates, Not Discrimination, Slowed Equality in Writers’ Rooms – Produced By: New York
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Your Shithead name is your first name plus your last name fuck you
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It is with heavy jeans I tell you that I went into the lake with my jeans on
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I would like to formally apologize to everyone I've ever met for everything I've ever done
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Inventor of raisins: "What do you like about grapes"
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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Look: COVID is not going to get under control in this country unless we take half-measures that don’t really solve the problem and make everyone upset
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Into the Spider Verse? How about we get into the Bible Verse. Folks,
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Here’s how LA works: you move here when you’re 23 and spend a decade developing a taste for failure until everyone else with any self respect has moved home. But then - if you play your cards right - you move to the valley
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@WillieMcNabb
@JasonIsbell
30-50 hogs in 3-5 minutes. We're talking 10 hogs a minute. That is 1 hog every six seconds, or 600 hogs an hour. I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe you should move.
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INT. JIGSAW TRAP ROOM - NIGHT
A MAN (30's, hot) wakes up next to THE ASS-REMOVAL MACHINE. A tape starts playing.
JIGSAW (v.o.): Hey idiot
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@windsorknot
@ShipLives
Oh yeah that’s even better because the whole time John is like “hey could we sign these papers and stuff” and Dracula is like “yeah yeah later right now I’m gonna monologue though” and Johnathan is too chill about it
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Hello yes my family and I are looking to mispronounce items on your menu and complain about the amount of ice in our diet sodas
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As an incel, I think it's more than fair to demand that women carry little ziplocs full of goldfish crackers and cheerios for me to have on-demand
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“Good tidings to (me), wherever (I am).” I’m here in my apartment, frantically making figgy pudding
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You guys remember Sobe? Chaotic beverage. Absolutely unhinged
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Why would anyone fight against higher wages for fast food workers. These people have done more for me than the military
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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@your__midnights
it's for the gremlins, the toilet boys, the sloppy little misters who love barbecue sauce, the kids who grew up in a big hole, a big fuckin hole filled with hot gravel
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Good statements for men to practice:
1) whoops, sorry about that
2) ha ha! Look who’s clumsy with the mustard. It’s me!
3) oh no, you know what - I spilled some mustard again
4) oh no, the mustard!
5) next time, get the mustard ON the hot dog
6) mustard? Don’t mind if I - oh no I
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Give an AI your pictures! Give 23andme your blood! Pee in your iPhone! Let the PS5 wear your skin! HELL IS EMPTY AND ITS DEVILS ARE HERE
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Okay couple things 1) yes i know there is rampant misinfo in europe as well 2) if you can get the vaccine i recommend it 3) log off and talk to your neighbors
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Millennial culture is watching a friend die and going "omg same"
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My white blood cells rushing to whatever unnoticeable zit I just wrecked with my fingernails
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@miguel805__
MIKEL YOUR SEED WHERE IS IT RIGHT NOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW? DOES THE GOVRNMENT KNOW. SEND IT TO ME AND I WILL REGISTER IT IT IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN PRINTER INK NO EXAGGERATION MIKEL PLEASE
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@miguel805__
LET ME CARRY YOUR SEED. LET ME CARRY IT. PUT YOUR SEED IN MY PALMS AND I WILL SING TO IT EVER SO GENTLE. I WILL POINT IT TOWARD THE SKY AND TEACH IT THE CONSTELLATIONS. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
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Every plate is a “vanity” plate when you’re too good to eat off the floor
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"I feel seen" and "I'm being watched" are two completely different energies, it turns out
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Any hole can be a 'glory' hole when that hole commits its life to following God
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Great constructive feedback, I’m going to internalize it and let it destroy me
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@miguel805__
PLEASE MIKEL DM ME. M ME RIGHT NOW IF YOUR SEED IS EVER IN DANGER. I WILL PROTECT IT. I WILLD HIDE IT AND KEEP IT NESTLED IN SECURITY. YOUR SEED MIKEL GIVE IT HERE I WILL PAY FOR THE UPS OVERNIGHT PLEASE
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@miguel805__
I WILL NEVER LET YOUR SEED BE CARRIED BY ANYTHING LESS LUXURIOUS THAN THE FORD GT PLEASE MIKEL HEAR MY VOICE AND KNOW COMFORT
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Are YOU a normal person, or a lunatic that everyone is just being nice to? We'll cover that and more tonight, in your mind, around bedtime
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Drop your phone in the toilet? Put it in rice. Now, you have delicious toilet-rice, and no phone to distract you from the flavor
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Trying to do comedy in this news cycle is like trying to whistle in a marching band
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I managed a pizza restaurant ten years ago that is known for its spicy sauce and this guy was unhappy as he did not perceive his pizza as spicy enough. At this point I had given him two free pizzas. He shows up with a slice wrapped in foil demanding I taste it. Yelp aftermath:
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Nationalism is insane. If I had my own song and flag and bird you'd think I was a lunatic
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Sometimes the TL breaks from police brutality and you get one dude tweeting “Elastigirl can ruin my life” and I think that’s neat
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All televised news is incorrect as hell. I get my news the new way: a group chat where everyone’s avatar is the punisher
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God: I call ‘em “bees”
Angel: sure
God: They’re gonna make a sweet little treat
Angel: love it
God: also give em little weapons
Angel: makes sense
God: if they use it once they die
Angel: okay
God: they’ll make flowers have sex
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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Yes I know cheese is “meant” to be enjoyed at room temperature. This is a rule invented by losers
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People have been weird as hell for literally thousands of years
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Critics are raving. Critics brought ecstasy. Critics will sell you a glow stick for 20 dollars.
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Trump going after the NFL is like Obama going after This American Life
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Sure, the Nazis in WWII were bad; but what about the leftist mobs invading the beaches of Normandy
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I call my calendar my “OnlyPlans” haha. But yeah free the next few weekends actually
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Babe wake up new iguanas just dropped
*FALLING IGUANAS* possible this weekend in Southwest Florida as the coldest air of the season moves in Sunday morning. We have a pretty sizable iguana population from Sanibel to Cape Coral to Naples. Locally, lows will dip into the 40s, wind chills in the 30s by sunrise. 🥶🦎…
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it's not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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America: come for the guns, stay because you've been shot and you owe the hospital 200,000 dollars
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If I don't get some fucking figgy pudding I am driving into the river
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Instead of "Mamma Mia" they should have called it "ABBA Dabba Two"
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Twelve hundred dollars. That’s enough for twelve hundred Arizona Iced Teas. And when the apocalypse hits? Guess who’s got tweve hundred Arizona Iced Teas for trade
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Being mean to another living human is like strangling someone while you're both drowning
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My "Santa isn't real" book will be stoic, perverse almost in it's sobriety. It will suck the wonder from your youngest as the desert air punishes a wastrel. There will be no pictures, only 8-point arial. It will hurt to hold, it will emit a shrieking noise
My “Atheism for Children” book will be unflinching, not a storybook: children won’t beg parents to buy it for Xmas. Are there parents who’ll want to buy it for their children anyway? Do you anticipate a demand? Would you like to see a “children’s God Delusion” by me published?
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Everyone I know in Minneapolis has a fanatical devotion to decency and the common good. People get stuck opening doors for other people. If the community is pissed enough to set things on fire, I trust their judgment.
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@JamieCinematics
I *think* the publisher at the time literally made Dickens put that in before printing
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Congratulations! You have received the gift of life. Now, monetize your labor or SUFFER
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Being a man used to MEAN something, you'd put others lives in danger, your whole family was afraid of you
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Why can I ask my wife in Skyrim to make me food or sell me stuff but I can't tell her how special she is
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Calle me a "woke" or whatever but I think the next generation of Barbies should be huge, like three times the size of a grown adult. And they should hover, instead of walking, a few feet off the ground. And you can't purchase them, but you can summon them. And they can only appea
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I bet during the fall of Rome most people were just kinda waiting for everything to get back to normal
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