Everyday ElizaDeath
@TheLizWasser
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actor | copywriter | writer writer | “My BFF!” -Betty Buckley | opinions are my own and objectively correct | she/her
New York, NY
Joined November 2010
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Weird day in New York City. First there’s an earthquake just days before a total solar eclipse—then I walk outside and find this strange and unusual plant?
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When theatre educators automatically cast the fat students as the “old ladies” or the broad comedic relief, they are subliminally being told that they’re not believable as objects of love & desire & they will often carry that belief with them throughout their careers & lives.
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Idk why this country insists on caucusing in Iowa where a conman who couldn’t read music famously convinced an entire town to purchase instruments for his non-existent boy band just by talking fast and citing an absurd number of trombones.
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“Trans actors will damage the integrity of musical theatre.” -The man who produced a musical about cats introducing themselves for 2.5 hours to prove they’re talented enough to die.
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THEY FINALLY DID IT. THE MAD BASTARDS THREW A JELLICLE BALL.
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BERNSTEIN: Life is heartbreak, but there's beauty in tragedy & longing.
RODGERS & HAMMERSTEIN: Life is heartbreak, but we find solace in love.
SONDHEIM: Life is heartbreak. Sometimes there's hope.
WEBBER: The cat who does the best song and dance gets permission to die.
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Listen. It took me years to realize I stopped auditioning for musical theater not bc I was lazy, but bc I was in pain. It wasn’t the rejection—it was walking into a room & being made to feel like your body was unreasonable, that by showing up you were wasting everyone’s time.
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PRODUCER: How is this musical different from the fairytale again.
DIRECTOR: It's feminist!
PRODUCER: Feminist how?
DIRECTOR: She wears pants.
PRODUCER: We are truly the change we wish to see in commercial theatre.
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I love when Bernie Telsey casts prestige TV because it's like 1.5 hours of theatre actors in period costumes whispering about the most glamorous, powerful woman in all of New York, and in the last 5 minutes she's revealed to be Donna Murphy. It's just so correct.
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Lumière is a weird thing to name your kid when you don’t know he’s gonna be a candle someday.
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You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
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⚠️ SEVERE WEATHER WARNING⚠️
Tonight’s episode of Drag Race features several young queens drawing a very obvious blank when asked about Patti LuPone. Residents within 15 miles of Manhattan should prepare for major seismic activity and possible lava flow.
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Unrelated, but while I have this platform, Police Officers Jonathan Mattingly, Brett Hankison, and Myles Cosgrove murdered Breonna Taylor in her sleep on 3/13/2020 & they should be arrested.
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Happy Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is Finally a Series Day to all who celebrate. We did it, Hot Topic Kids. We did it.
@neilhimself
@Netflix_Sandman
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Oh wow. Hello. Happy Sunday.
Even given how prevalent body shaming is at the educational level, I was not expecting this kind of reaction. It’s overwhelming.
I have MUCH more to say on this topic & I intend to say it, but for now know I see & love each & every one of you.
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:WAKES UP WITH A GASP AT 2 AM:
Harold Hill probably isn’t his real name.
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Your Shelter in Place name is your first name followed by your last name, stay the fuck inside.
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7 habits of highly successful salespeople:
1. Ride percussive trains
2. Say you’re a Professor
3. Write “Professor” on your briefcase
4. POOL IS BAD
5. Ambush the local librarian w/a patriotic flash mob
6. Multiply the town’s population by 12
7. That’s your trombone section
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one ticket one ticket
to Oppenheimer to Barbie
Plz Plz
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I spent YEARS thinking the lyric was “I’ve had so many men before in very many ways. He’s just one more.”
NOT “I’ve had so many men before. In very many ways he’s just one more.”
What I’m saying is I respect the skill & complexity of sex work & also punctuation is important.
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After watching the
#Sondheim90Concert
, I am reminded of my favorite
@RaulEEsparza
episodes of
@nbcsvu
.
INT: COURTROOM
JUDGE: :banging gavel: ORDER!
BARBA: :rising: Design.
JUDGE: ... Tension.
BARBA: Light!
OLIVIA: I don't think this is approri-
JURY: 🎶 Sunnddaaayyyyyyyy
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Also, since I feel that it’s worth mentioning: I acknowledge that I am a cis white non-disabled person. Any micro-aggressions I’ve encountered were experienced through the lens of that privilege.
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Because we all know that if musicals are written by and for anyone, it’s definitely not the people who live in the margins of mainstream culture.
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Now, as a grownup Theatre Person, I’ve decided that my version is more fun and I hereby tweet my Annie Get Your Gun pitch (special attention to
@OfficialBPeters
bc Bernadette Peters gets first dibs onall roles in the Annie-verse, with guns or without.)
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If you’re like me, you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in quarantine obsessing over one thing:
How did a Vampire end up living on Sesame Street?
Are you laughing? Well you’ve played right into the hands of those Snowflakes over at PBS. They don’t want you asking questions
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Friends.
Broadway is fucking sizeist. It’s a lot of “ist”s. It’s a Luxury Community in a field where most of us can’t afford to buy property and the gates at the perimeter are HIGH.
And the institutionalized bias is coming from inside the house.
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Dear Diary,
My name’s Peggy Schuyler & this is the first time I’ve ever started a sentence that isn’t just a continuation of what my sisters are already saying! I have so much to say I could burst!
Um.
My dress is yellow.
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The
@nytimes
made a fatphobic comment and they shouldn’t have and it was gross and yes we have every right to call it out and complain.
It was also a symptom of a deeply ingrained disease.
Broadway needs to come back better. We all deserve it.
#broadwaybodies
#Broadway
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It was the urge to walk up to the only other big girl in the holding room & sit in silent camaraderie, while secretly hating she was there. There were only so many “old lady” (or “fat friend” or “clueless teen” or “sassy villain”) roles to go around and they’d never cast you both
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It was standing in a row with 30 girls in leotards and LaDucas and watching the casting director’s eyes skip over you as he scanned the line, or mindlessly push your headshot to the rejection pile with without even looking at you long enough to see your face.
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It was playing every old lady in the canon by the time you got to college, where the cycle began again. How you only booked characters were loved “in spite” of their weight (or loving them was a punchline) teaching you that you weren’t a believeable object of love and desire.
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It was the desperate need to be the, funniest, most quick-witted person in the room up to the point of sheer exhaustion, because you knew the other parts of you—your talent, your voice, your vulnerabily—weren’t going to get you through The Door and weren’t particularly relevant.
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It was the festering resentment for the professor who gave you unecessarily cruel “feedback” & “advice” & blocked your opportunities for the sake of “preparing you for the real world” even though it wasn’t. Even though you just wanted to take full advantage of an arts education.
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It was how condescendingly nice the other women were to you because they didn’t for a moment consider you to be their competition.
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It was how, on the rare occasion you did see a fat person play a “beautiful” character, the team clearly reveled in their SUBVERSIVENESS, how in their gratuitous signaling of how BODY POSITIVE they were for NOT making it about the actor’s size, they made it about the actor’s size
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It was hating yourself for feeling that way. It was the opposite of community.
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It was being taken aside in a very public manner to be told that you were fantastic but too fat, or too fat but they were going to cast you anyway because director was willing to see past it bc they were so innovative. (THEY didn’t care, you see, but OTHER PEOPLE would.)
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Your 30’s is a constant vacillation between Shakespeare Time [ST] (you blink and it’s 10 years later for some fucking reason) or Tolkien Time [TT] (it’s been 150 pages and you still haven’t left The Shire for some fucking reason)
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It was dragging this lesson behind you—like Peter Pan’s shadow attached by a thread—through every relationship, romantic and platonic. It was learning this lesson so early that it felt more like unmoveable bedrock than someone’s opinion.
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Attention teenage girls: let me save you years of pain. You cannot fix Kylo Ren.
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Molly slides into the passenger seat. “Let’s go to Zaddy’s” she says & plugs “Warbucks Mannor” into the GPS. “The sun will come out tomorrow, but bitch...” she puts on her aviators. “It’s today.”
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It was listening to friends you respect talk about “Broadway Bodies”—when, of course, anyone who has ever been on Broadway has a “Broadway Body”—and wanting to scream, “JUST FUCKING SAY THIN. JUST SAY MY BODY DOESN’T BELONG ON BROADWAY.”
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It was being told by a man safe behind his plastic picnic table that he “just didn’t think you were castable” as if he wasn’t the one doing the casting. As if he wasn’t savoring the moment.
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It was being careful not to sit too close to the other big girl bc sitting next to each other would somehow draw more attention to your bodies and “other” you further, oblivious to how you much you needed to talk to her. Not remotely ready to have that conversation.
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Good day. This is the actual plot of The Music Man by Meredith Wilson*.
*Who was NOT a closeted lesbian who dared to pen a queer-coded opus & sit back of house during tech smoking cigars in a 3 piece suit. (But Virginia, she exists as certainly as love exists in our gay hearts!)
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Were you in love with him or was he the straight guy in the musical theatre dept?
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It was losing an enormous amount of weight, feeling like the same person you were before, and being furious at yourself for wasting so much time, ashamed of how little progress you’d made in pursuit of your dream, terrified you missed your chance and that it was too late.
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It was how avoiding auditions didn’t stop the painfully longing to perform.
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It was being able to recall every detail of the few times you saw a fat person play a “beautiful” character, mystified by their ability to do so w/o any trace of apology (and bc it was so novel.) It was never clocking a thin actor playing “beautiful” bc beauty is thin by default.
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I have no excuse for not understanding Twitter tho, so let’s just say technology is also fatphobic. Here’s the damn thing in order:
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It was knowing that people would constantly site that production as an example when arguing that theatre isn’t fatphobic.
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I am a woman in my late 20’s-early 30’s and on Halloween I made my friend take this picture with absolutely zero context and my Hot Topic Heart grew three sizes that day.
@neilhimself
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It was feeling begrudgingly grateful for the positive representation. And knowing it was all well-meant.
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I’m no showrunner but in every season of Unsolved Mysteries I’d throw in a solved mystery as a little treat.
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I told my Gen Z coworker that every Sunday in college we’d plug our digital cameras into our comps and upload the weekend’s pics directly to a Facebook album with a dumb caption like “Sunday in the Park with Frands” and she looked at me like I killed and ate the Lindbergh baby.
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It was gaining weight out of defiance. It was gaining weight because fuck them. It was gaining weight because fuck it.
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Annie smiles as she turns on the ignitition. She says nothing, of course. Annie lost her voice to nodes years ago.
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It’s knowing that you’ll eventually be sucked back in because that’s showbiz, babyyyyyy.
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Since 2020 life is either running on Shakespeare Time where you blink and go from teen to middle-aged king with 4 kids, or Tolkien Time where 100 pages go by and you still haven't left the fucking Shire.
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Trying to
#DressLikeAWoman
but how does one wear 3 million more votes than
@realDonaldTrump
as a cute accessory?
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Don’t lie to your kids and tell them their pets went to “a farm upstate”it’ll just be more difficult when they learn it is actually at the Jellicle Ball waiting for Judi Dench’s permission to die.
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Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day or as Donald Trump calls it, International Day of Foreshadowing and Dramatic Irony.
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It was years of training yourself to feel nothing because it was just easier.
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Oh, friends. I promise that I’m trying to read every comment & DM, it just might take some time. You’re all beautiful & resilient & strong & all the other good adjectives.
Nothing specific to plug rn: I write satire & theatre jokes & niche fan content if you’re into that noise.
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I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But I cannot compete with you Jolene.
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quick random poll—what's your favorite monthly subscription for finger-sized gauze and neosporin?
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Been outlining a new musical during quarantine! Tell me what you think!
-Curtains up
-Center Stage, a Man
-He holds a Suitcase Filled w/Secrets &/or Dreams
-He wears a Hat
-“I have always been special & I want things & I’ve no skills, just charm”
-Man feels Lost.
-Gels are Blue.
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@MmeDefargeKnits
@jilltwiss
If by “gets the girl” you mean he repeatedly follows her home and flash mobs her at work after she’s made it clear she isn’t interested, he sure does!
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Nothing new and exciting will happen on your twitter feed until you go to sleep it is like Santa.
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FAIRY GODMOTHER: Let's get ready for the ball!
CINDERELLA: You watched me endure years of abuse & didn't use your magic to help me?
GODMOTHER: Shhh let's make you hot so you can marry rich.
CINDERELLA: I slept on a dirty floor with the mice.
GODMOTHER: Bippity boppity boo!
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Hello this is the Actual Plot of R&H’s “Carousel” a mind-bending ghost story.
-Modest Soprano & Spunky Sidekick go to fair
-Bad Boy Barker puts his arm around Modest Soprano on the CAROUSEL
-After 9 mins someone says a line
-Angry Widow fires Bad Boy Barker bc she wanted the D.
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@MaraWilson
ALSO sometimes I think about how he was chosen to be the ref in Space Jam bc he is both an Alien and Looney Toon so he can be impartial.
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The Four Seasons Landscaping employee who booked the press conference and took Trump's campaign money and said nothing should, and I cannot stress this enough, receive a Nobel Prize.
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The Actual Plot of Phantom of the Opera:
-Stalker stalks Grief Girl.
-Grief Girl is pretty & sings pretty.
-Stalker watches Grief Girl from behind a two-way mirror in her dressing room.
-Stalker brainwashes Grief Girl, drags her to the basement where he forces her to sing High Es
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Daddy Warbucks greets them at the door kissing Annie on the cheek & nodding at Molly. Molly still resents him for not adopting her or her ex-gf Pepper. “Zaddy Warbucks” She says uneasily. She still hasn’t gotten used to his eyepatch or sleeves of gruesome tattoos.
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Optometrist: Which looks better, the E or the K?
Me: Oh god I don't know... the K?
Optometrist: haha, it's okay there are no wrong answers.
:phone rings at 4AM:
Me: hu-hello?
E: Bitch I heard what you said.
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A hipster on the roof... sounds crazy, no? But here in our little village of Manhattan, you might say every one of us is a Hipster on the Roof, trying to snap a pleasant simple shot for the gram of a sunset over the empty street or a child wearing a mask w/o breaking our necks.
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Grace stands staring out the window when they walk into her office. “Annie” She says, her back to them, “Annie’s friend.” Molly ignores her and says “Hannigan’s out.” The desk chair spins around with a squeak & a grinning Hannigan turns to face them. “She knows.”
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“Come, she’s waiting.” They make their way past the assembly lines where workers wrap weapons in towels to be loaded onto “Bundles Laundry Delivery Trucks”. Molly looks for Mr. Bundles himself before she remembers he shot all his profits up his arm last summer.
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My parents never caught me masturbating but once my mom walked in on me lipsyncing both parts of Confrontation. THE JEKYLL AND HYDE ONE NOT EVEN THE LES MIS ONE.
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And as I watched her walk into Alex’s house for what I only assume were Morality lessons, I wondered: were we really so different?
Or are we literally identical women born into two different tropes? We have no control
Who lives, who dies, whose dress is whore-y?
💛
P. Schuy
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A third song about Alexander and Eliza’s wedding only it’s from the POV of Peggy and it’s about all of the passed appetizers.
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But no longer.
I’m on to you, The Count. I don’t know your weakness, not yet, but it’s 2020: I’ve got 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on
@hulu
& nothing but time
Best learn how to count backwards your days are numbered, ah ah ah.
Brought to you by the letter D for Doomed
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“Take us to Rooster.” Says Molly. Hannigan laughs. “First, you have to say it.” Annie throws Molly a pleading look, silently imploring her to stay silent. But whatever pride Molly once had, she left in that orphanage 20 years ago. She grits her teeth.
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“Grace is right.” Zaddy says. “She’s the only one who can get us to Easy Street.” Hannigan sneers. “And this time, when I get there... I’ll stay.”
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INT: COURTROOM
BARBA: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think we both know the defendant's in... trouble.
OLIVIA: Barba no plz.
JURY: Trouble, trouble, trouble...
BARBA: Ohhh we got trouble my friends!
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There’s a crash as Annie leaps over the desk, going for Hannigan’s throat. Molly & Zaddy W restrain her. “You knew this was coming!” Grace shouts. “Rooster’s gang has been running things for far too long. She knows all his weaknesses.”
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INT: COURTROOM
DETECTIVE BENSON sits on the witness stand.
BARBA: Detective Benson I just have one question. 🎶Do you love me?
OLIVIA: We're in court.
BARBA: I know. But do you love me?
OLIVIA: :Sighs: 🎶I suppose I do...
BARBA: :takes her hand: That was flat.
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INT: MANDY PATINKIN'S APT., 2AM
:phone rings:
MANDY: Hel-
BARBA: Dad I'm really nervous about court what if the judge doesn't think I'm charming?
MANDY: Mr. Barba, I'm not your father, please stop calling me.
BARBA: :whimpers:
MANDY: :sigh: Fine. 🎶Nothing's gonna harm you-
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