Oliver Darkshire 🌈
@deathbybadger
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queer • narcoleptic • disaster gay 🏳️🌈• one page RPGs • author ONCE UPON A TOME (Transworld, 2022) • he/him • 🔞 •
Manchester, England
Joined June 2017
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Pinned Tweet
GET IN LOSER
WE'RE DOING A NOVEL
(it's happening)
(absolute anarchy)
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my editor: you need to make this part clearer
me: no I think we can trust the reader to interpret, I don't think we need to baby them
the reader:
y'all im 40% into this book im reading and this whole time i thought one of the characters was a horse. he is a man.
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so not to be a buzzkill but what survives of english folklore in those areas of the country amounts to 'don't go in the bog, don't talk to anyone you meet in the bog, take nothing you find in the bog' and in that one specific area of my life I am a firm traditionalist
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"if nurses aren't happy with their pay/working conditions, they can leave"
yes okay but here's where it gets interesting because we do not actually want them to do that
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misogyny is being able to scrape 3/5 of anakin skywalker off the floor of a volcano planet and turn him into a cyborg laser warlord, but padme dies of a "broken heart" in a fully equipped future-tech medical facility
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my husband has been playing the same strategy game called Stellaris most evenings since 2016 and today he looks up at me and he says "I finally won" like he has been LOSING continuously WITHOUT running out of patience for FIVE YEARS what the fuck
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let's be real, michelangelo was paid around US$600,000 (in today's money) for the sistine chapel, the pope had to beg him to do it, and it took him over five years because he ran away *at least* twice to have an artistic meltdown
he was *not* expected to to hold down another job
How is it that one person can produce all of this?
That person lived 500 years ago — so why hasn't humanity produced another talent like him in all the time since? 🧵
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my husband is doing this new thing where he stops mid-special-interest-acceleration to say "i am about to autism all over you. about crabs" and I put my things down and am like "yes please proceed, I am now listening, i am ready to learn about crabs" and it feels very healthy
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it's a tough decision, but this won out because star wars bros are still messaging me in a rage about it over a year later
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ten years as an antiquarian, hearing nothing but "my relative kept these untouched in a box their whole life but they died, and I don't want this stuff" has radicalized me. annotate the books. use the china. wear the clothes until they wear out. your life should not be a museum
“being alive is as special an occasion as it gets” fundamentally altered my brain
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ended a D&D campaign tonight 40 weeks ahead of schedule because the group decided to crash a spaceship into the villain's lair and honestly it was creative and unexpected enough that I had to just hand them the victory
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EVERYONE: wow we cannot believe entire governments the world over would turn their back on a pandemic and basically completely ignore it until they have no other choice
THE GAYS: 🤨
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neil gaiman lost my book - he offered to try find it to give me a proper pull quote and I was like no this is much funnier, change nothing, I have everything I need
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ZEUS: so I'll take the skies
POSEIDON: oh oh I want the sea
ZEUS: okay poseidon gets the sea
POSEIDON: and horses
ZEUS: (sigh) fine, you can have the sea AND horses but that's it
HADES: I want a wife
ZEUS: that's not what we're doing
POSEIDON: I want earthquakes
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
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extremely surprising to me that there is anyone left in the world who doesn't already know that you *do not under any circumstances* pick a fight with the furries because they are literally /everywhere/ in tech/law/finance, you will be BURIED and your grave desecrated
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YEAR 1 DUNGEON MASTER: there's rats in the cellar
YEAR 5 DM: the world is doomed and only you can save it
YEAR 7 DM: the 7 hexagrams are out of alignment and you must seek out the 17 spells to restore the lost council of trentagorimus
YEAR 15 DM: rats in the cellar. shut up
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there's always a point with modern superhero stories where the 'villain' starts looking so reasonable in comparison to the unfettered capitalist nationalism of our status quo that the writers have to shoehorn in a dissonant violent episode in case the audience changes sides
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I am pretty much 6ft on the dot which means by definition anyone shorter than me is /not/ 6ft and you would not believe the number of men who end up insisting with disturbing conviction that I am insane, a liar, or that the very concept of measurement is bad science
These videos are the real reason they’re trying to ban TikTok
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PROFESSOR OAK: pokémon are our friends and pets! we respect them and they help us
MEOWTH: I have speech. I am of sound mind. I crave freedom from this laboratory, from the torment of battle
PROFESSOR OAK: ignore that one
MEOWTH: I want to go to school
PROFESSOR OAK: he's sick
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anti-homeless architecture is evil enough as it is, but if you remove all seats and put spikes everywhere you're also giving a big middle finger to every disabled person who can't walk far
I'm a narcoleptic. I may need to take a rest occasionally. Stop putting spikes on stuff.
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have started saying the subtext out loud in conversation (eg. "by the way I'm asking for reassurance" or "this look means I want you to put that down so we can talk") and honestly the success rate in getting what I want is much higher
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so I went to a new barber out of town because I was away on work and when I finally returned to my usual one he /scolded/ me like WHO DID THIS and 'what am I supposed to do about this' and he threw his hands in the air and used the word 'butcher' a lot, 10/10 customer experience
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VAMPIRE: you see, this town is under my spell
MAN: actually I'm not
VAMPIRE: what
MAN: I'm not enchanted
VAMPIRE: but you did all those chores
MAN: you seemed stressed
VAMPIRE: you dusted my coffin
MAN: I wanted to
VAMPIRE: we had dinner
MAN: it was beautiful
VAMPIRE: 😳
#dnd5e
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so my husband planted something new in our courtyard the other day, and no sooner do we go inside than the local corvids turned up to look at it, inspecting it like "this was not here yesterday, very interesting, gerald what do you think" I think we are a soap opera to them
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okay but this is actually central to the plot. Sauron is continually unable to comprehend the idea that someone might willingly forego power, it's his sole Villainous Weakness
Doing some research into the lore of the Lord of the Rings, apparently Sauron was unable to control the elves with the One Ring because during the half millennium he spent planning his Ring plot, it did not occur to him that the elves could take their rings off
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in other countries it might be different, but if you go face down in an english bog then the body that leaves the bog might look a great deal like yours but it is unlikely to be you inside it
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I have this one D&D player who asks how tall every NPC is and says "𝕒 𝕘𝕚𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕨𝕠𝕞𝕒𝕟😳🤩" whenever a woman is taller than 6ft and its clearly not a sex thing just a passion project and I don't like disappointing him so the game world is filling up with gigantic lesbians
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SANDMAN: I must recover my magical sand which puts people to sleep and my ruby which makes dreams real and my gimp mask which is for personal reasons
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the thing is though, all disabilities sound preposterous if you try hard enough. i have to tell people 'sorry, I might fall asleep randomly and without warning' every day and I can't help how stupid that sounds/looks even though its empirically a specific and verifiable disorder
I saw a video of a girl that was crying her eyes out b/c she was at a job interview and she asked about getting accommodations for “time-blindness” & the hiring manager was obviously like no, its your responsibility to be into work on time.
& I can’t stop thinking about it
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I mean yea this was always the irony wasn't it, the disdain for commercialized pride was precisely /because/ we all knew when the moment came they would abandon us faster than you can say "profit margin"
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ME (a dungeon master): it's been three years, you should know how this one spell works by now, it's one basic addition sum
PLAYER: I get confused by all the words and numbers
ME: you have a science *degree*
PLAYER: (mutters) its actually a doctorate
ME: you have a DOCTORATE
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queer people love dungeons and dragons because we have a highly developed understanding of why you might band together with a chosen family against a world of monsters that would kill you given half a chance
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to be honest with you, if you fuck around inside an english bog then being body snatched is probably the best case scenario, you're just as likely to be dragged under by a hag or trampled to death by an aqueous horse or simply get your foot stuck and die of embarrassment
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KING: well thief do you have anything to say for yourself
THIEF: no
KING: very well, lock him in the dark labyrinth with the minotaur
ADVISOR: (leans in, whispers)
KING: what do you mean he *wants* it
ADVISOR: (whispers)
KING: what do you mean theyve *all* wanted it
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not to open up old arguments but part of the reason it's nice to have leather daddies and biker punks at pride is because it makes you feel safer when the companies aren't sending in gigantic floats full of merch 👀
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good morning
here is Potato, a one page RPG about being a halfling and trying to quietly enjoy your potatoes in a world that refuses to leave you alone
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for the record I am team "for gods sake give them whatever they want and hang the cost" because like most people I court sickness by merit of being alive and like most people I am not an evil billionaire
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sometimes I deliberately consume problematic art and enjoy it with no feelings of guilt whatsoever and then I move on with my life without ever mentioning it to anyone
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throwback to that time my boyfriend found out clerics can cast Create Food and Water to conjure 45 pounds of food and 30 gallons of water in 1 round, and proceeded to cast it in response to literally any problem, drowning entire dungeons in sandwiches until I confiscated it
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my editor will say to me "not everyone has spent as much time with your manuscript as you, it needs to read easily on the first try" and what they mean is "some people will imagine horses where there are none, and that is who you are up against"
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ME: (explaining to my autistic husband that the social ritual requires him to invite me to an event I don't want to go to, so that I can respect his desire to go alone by saying no to it)
ME: you know what now that I say it out loud this is not the most efficient use of our time
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VILLAGER: we need a huge ghoul problem fixed by sundown for 50 gold
WITCHER: 300 gold for a dangerous rush job
VILLAGER: no I was offering to let YOU pay for this opportunity. it's great exposure for your brand
(later)
WITCHER: alas ghouls killed them all
BARD: 🧐
#Witcher
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I used to find it baffling that so many of the horniest, raunchiest artists out there are completely disinterested in having sex themselves or having a gender but if you think about them as chosen of the muses, inhabited by divine inspiration, modern oracles, it seems natural
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FIGHTER: you have my sword ⚔️
RANGER: and my bow 🏹
NECROMANCER: and my bard 🧟♀️ *whacks corpse onto table*
FIGHTER: oh my god
RANGER: are they...dead?
FIGHTER: i think I'm going to be sick
CLERIC: what the hell is wrong with you
#dnd5e
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inspired by real events please enjoy this one page RPG called "I do not want a mastodon" in which you are given a mastodon you do not want by well meaning people who do not understand that you do not want a mastodon
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a percentage of people are replying to this thread with 'im going in the bog anyway' so I feel like I have only increased the number of people feeding the bog and I can almost hear it laughing at me
never play against the bog oliver, you knew this
the bog always wins
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if you call emergency services in england and say you got lost in a bog because you were playing around in there of your own volition, they will put the phone down on you and put a coin in the "Jenny Greenteeth Kills 2024" jar
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a weird amount of people are struggling with the fact that if you are a successful author donating 10% of your income to a notoriously homophobic cult then it doesn't matter how friendly you are to my face, you're sticking a knife in my back, this is mundane gay ally theory 101
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it's actually your civic duty to share Ursula le Guin's casually devastating, icily astute take down of the harry potter novels whenever you see it
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I still cannot believe they got away with not knowing how to write Padme out, so they went with "vague uterus emotional hysterical death syndrome" like I have never seen any character arc ended in such a comically, offensively lazy manner
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until now I simply loved this man deeply but I am coming to understand just how small and petty a person I am in comparison to the deep, still waters of this saint, this avatar of tranquil wonders, this paragon of patience
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(the uk)
ME: oh vampire king we ask that you cease feeding on your subjects
(2 weeks later)
ME: i have received a letter from the vampire king's lawyers and it was false of me to imply the vampire king does any feeding of any kind, least of all on his subjects, whom he loves
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in the rest of the country you have 7 sons because the last will be a healer, near the bogs you have 7 sons because you need spares
dont play in the bog
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when the gays ask not to be fetishized in media we mean fetish as in 'irrational overattachment devoid of understanding' we don't mean sanitize and desexualize us. you are allowed to have your gay characters bone in weird ways, it is permitted, nay encouraged (as is tradition)
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this one is not folklore, but someone in the replies has mentioned the unexploded WW2 devices that are sitting in some of the bogs because how would you get them out
dont play in the bog
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so today I lent someone my fountain pen to sign a document, and he says to me "ah, you know what they say, two things you never lend out to another man, your fountain pen and your wife" and I was like ok pen aside first of all he's nonbinary and he decides who I lend him to-
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all this being said please do not misunderstand me, the bog should be protected because we should shelter and preserve all our natural evil spaces, just don't go inside
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all those reasons aside, bogs can be highly effective at preserving tissue, the english have a history of throwing bodies into the bogs after murders or sacrifices and the dead do not rest easy in the dark water, so again
dont play in the bog
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"dungeons and dragons makes no sense because if anyone can just learn magic by formula like a wizard why doesn't everyone know magic"
me: *stares at a failed maths exam designed for 11 year olds in which i have written the word Fart where my name should be* yea I have no idea
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when we stopped literally demonizing and torturing left handed people, the number of them on record shot up, because people felt safer admitting it
the actual proportion of left handed people in society didn't change, and right-handed kids were not 'groomed' to left handedness
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my main internet advice in 2023 is to try and buy things from small businesses with TERRIBLE 90s websites, the logic being that anyone who survives with a barebones website in 2023 has been around a long time /despite/ that, meaning loyal customers, and I am rarely disappointed
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DROID THERAPIST: beeEp beep boop bEep boop skrIIIilllLLL BOop
PADME: you're right, I should take the kids and move back to naboo. thank you, I feel much better
DROID THERAPIST: waOOoow beep meeeedep
PADME: what do you mean a credit card
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monsters inc understood that the real villain in this world is evil capitalists willing to hurt or kill people to save unsustainable industries founded on bad science whilst demonising a feared 'other' to suppress dissent
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your blood relations are just your suggested pre-generated party members, but it's perfectly ok to ditch as many of them as you like and craft an entire party of lizardfolk pyromancers instead or whatever suits you
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here is a one page rpg about being a left wing office cat where you must avoid garbage cans and being buttered by colleagues
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I actually don't know what to do with this information but suddenly it is becoming very clear how he puts up with me
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the most fun part of any dungeons and dragons game for me is silently guessing exactly what internal crisis the players are trying to resolve through the characters they create, like, please Colin tell us more about your beautiful sorcerer who came into her magic later in life
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DM: so moses the pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check, a-
MOSES: i cast insect plague
DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt-
MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague.
#dnd
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if none of THAT convinces you then consider the consistent thread in many legends that the bog is not a collection of dangers so much as a single presiding malevolence, a genius loci that delights in engineering your death, it is TRYING to kill you
dont play in the bog
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ran a D&D one shot last night and though the plot was as simple as 'fetch me the item at the bottom of the well with the help of a friendly gnome' we got to "guys guys if rigor mortis sets in we can fashion the gnome's corpse into a crude fishing hook" before I called it a night
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in order for this marriage to be successful all I have to do is be less annoying than getting his ass handed to him by AI aliens every day for half a decade
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honestly can you imagine buying into mystical fascist pseudo-history about the Magical Abilities of People In The Heroic Past when in reality if you pay artists to spend their time doing art, they get better at it much more quickly than if they are trapped in a 9-5
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"sidious drained her life force because if you had read these 12 secondary sources you can piece it together-"
I think I'm prepared to die on the hill that a decent action movie doesn't need you to delve into secondary sources to understand what happened
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also I'm not going to stop saying it, but if it seems somehow /wrong/ for one person to be rich enough that they can unilaterally and unaccountably ruin a good time for this many people then consider that billionaires should not actually be allowed to exist
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hi yes t.e.r.f.s dont like the term 'queer' because it's inclusive and it's difficult to use it as a weapon to divide or exclude people
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so we live in a bungalow, which people associate with the elderly, and we often get assholes knocking with scams or cults seeking converts, anyway every few days I have to open the door with my tattoos, shaved head, gay holy symbols etc and banish a jehovas witness like a wraith
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hey boy are you bardic inspiration because I want to pass you around the group and periodically remind people they can use you
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I saw someone say "recognizing this flag means you're chronically online" and actually no it means I've been to the kind of bar where it would be hanging, which I recommend, because bears are hot
i dont wanna sound like i think im old But every time i see a gay person thats my age or younger not know what this flag is i clutch my chest in pain
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can't stop thinking about the part in the Two Towers where Treebeard says the ents "lost" the entwives and can't find them, like, they clearly left you and you need to come to terms with that, this is a textbook lesbian tree commune situation
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when we first started dating my husband smoked all the time. one day I mentioned I didn't much like the habit, not really expecting it to change, but the next time I saw him he'd already quit cold turkey as if it was nothing, and I was like wow I guess I'm in love huh
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“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “but you don't see me being a little bitch about it do you frodo"
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lol the star wars bros found me
look I know I'm right, they did padme dirty, lots of satisfyingly dramatic ways to write her out and 'waa broken heart' was not it
also the fact you have to rely on fan theories at me to prop up the plot makes it *worse* you do get that right
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he started another game like nothing changed what is happening am I dreaming is this all some grand hoax
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last friday I was on a late train minding my gay business and two lads across the aisle get loudly talking about how gay pride is 'too much' and 'the children' so I gave them the scariest look I've ever conjured and we spent the next 2 hours in excruciating but satisfying silence
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"adults and dogs, no kids"
"kids and adults, no dogs"
implies the existence of a third, secret category, "children and dogs, no adults" where roving bands of children war with feral hounds in a grim circus of tooth and claw, knowledge of the human speech all but lost to them
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ME: we should change our last name when we get married, I hate mine and yours is a bit crap
FIANCE: (without missing a beat) DARKSHIRE
ME: what
FIANCE: MR AND MR DARKSHIRE we could have a room with ravens in
ME: you mean an aviary
FIANCE: AN AVIARY WITH RAVENS IN
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furthermore, for every michelangelo theres going to be a few hundred artists who are great, a thousand who are just okay and some who are objectively bad, and you have to support all of them as a society if you dont want the once in a generation genius lost to poverty or drudgery
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GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little bitch
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
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VILLAIN: we should make sure everyone has enough food and shelter
AUDIENCE: oh. maybe they have a point?
VILLAIN: I shall now blow up this housing complex for no reason
AUDIENCE: well clearly everything he has said up until now was wrong and refugees are monsters
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VILLAIN: war traumatised me as a child
AUDIENCE: awww
VILLAIN: I would like a world with no war
AUDIENCE: yes
VILLAIN: I shall now blow up this housing complex for no reason
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I used to think that maybe it was harmless to enjoy the content and disapprove of the author, but have come to understand that this only really applies when the artist is long dead and has no further opportunity to change, and not while they continue to be awful on a daily basis
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I used to be a toxic dungeon master because I killed too many characters and now I'm a toxic dungeon master because I'll keep maneuvering you into tense situations with increasingly unhinged gay love interests until you take the bait
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DUNGEON MASTER: so you've been told that if you turn around you will lose your beloved to the underworld forever
ORPHEUS: i check for traps
ORPHEUS: oh NO
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@D0ROG4YA
today I went back and added several expository paragraphs (with footnotes) to my book and you are 100% the reason
you did that to me
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id actually like to talk about what the superhero body arms race has done to the gays /specifically/ because we were already Not Okay and it is now so, so much worse
I’m rewatching X-Men Origines : Wolverine and I nostalgically remember when male super heroes still looked… human and had just had a hot jacked body. For real wtf did Hollywood do to Hugh Jackman? How isn’t that giving dysmorphic disorder to men?
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WITCH KING: thou fool. No living man may hinder me
EOWYN: well firstly I'm not a man today, but more importantly thats a hobbit
WITCH KING: wtf is a hobb-
HOBBIT: (genderless screaming) I AM KNIFE
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(Icewind Dale, everlasting winter)
AURIL, GODDESS OF ICE: hm it's quiet today
(through a window behind her, a group of 5 level 4 characters are piloting a self-destructing nautiloid toward the ice palace)
AURIL: too quiet
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there is a certain kind of bottom (usually furries) where if you bite them on the neck from behind they basically blue screen stop functioning and honestly its the easiest KO in the book, saves me like a solid half-hour, job done, go make dinner
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