I hate being left out almost as much as I hate being included.

BACK TO SCHOOL SALE!. My sarcastic daily planner, "You're Never Gonna Do Any Of This Stuff" is now only $9.99 on Amazon. Technically, it qualifies as a gift!.

Gmail's new AI feature is a game changer. This will save me so much time!

Worst 12 years of my life. #MyTwitterAnniversary

RT @JeffMightBWrong: Damn. CAPTCHAs getting hard.

I’m on the biggest plane ever made.

🎵"A CHILD SHIVERS IN THE COLD / LET US BRING HIM SILVER AND GOLD.”🎵 . Or a blanket would be great.

As a writer, it’s important to have a morning routine. I like to wake up, have a cup of coffee, and then Google which 90 Day Fiancé couples are still together.

Real friends are the ones who don’t call.

Today’s no good for seizing. I’ll probably just seize tomorrow.

RT @therealgimmicks: We're doing a Gimmicks live chat THIS FRIDAY on Discord w/ Mila Kunis, @RealDaveWright, and @daveihl. Join here: https….

What an emotional rollercoaster of a headline.

One of the first creative things I did in LA was taking a sketch writing class taught by the great Anne Beatts. She was so kind, encouraging, and, above all, funny. I'm going to miss my old teacher.

Just had to tell my good jeans that they're now my work jeans.

Thanks for pretending to put your mask on when I pass. The effort alone makes me feel safer.

I don't tweet as much since I discovered not tweeting.

My one brush with Cloris Leachman was at the Malcolm in the Middle wrap party. She said, "I hate your tie, but I like you." #RIPClorisLeachman

It’s 2021— everything should be dishwasher safe.

RT @daveihl: Been a long time since I've had a chance to make my famous impeachment nachos!.

"The Queen's Gambit" really inspired me to learn drinking.

“The Vow” but it's about all the people who have wasted their lives watching "The Vow".