When a new restaurant “does things a little bit differently”

the substance

(trying to make small talk) notice any patterns lately

JD Vance like

Someone needs to do something about supermarket prices I’m circling the yogurt aisle psyching myself up like I’m about to rob a bank

Despite my best efforts, it is already lunch time. A good moment to make you revisit some of my most tedious work. “Jean & Scott,” episode 13 1/3

I’m “making a list of things to discuss with the dermatologist”-years-old 👼

How do I tell the person who lives in the apt below mine that doing nonstop, bad + loud Madonna karaoke by themselves is embarrassing? A note? Rock through the window? Kill myself in front of them??

literally crying in the club (my office)

Unbelievable to be wearing full body armor and pointing a gun at a 19 year old sociology major and think “I AM THE GOOD GUY IN THIS SITUATION”

“Ummm Challengers much?” - me hanging w/ any two hot ppl

🎶 Tap me on the shoulder when you reload the gun 🎶

Being over 30 & childless means I have 10k+ photos of pizza on my phone

walking in the midwest is tricky cause im always startling pedestrians w/ my purposeful stride & bad attitude

you think I’m joking but this is literally me at work

those little baggies for drugs are so cute whenever I see one I want to make a lil sandwich for a hamster so bad

A remake of Sleeping with the Enemy & it’s just me cat sitting her

Dune (part 1)

I know I wouldn’t last a day on Arrakis I’d break out my travel bidet & the fremen would immediately kill me 🙄

Chita was the definition of a triple threat and a fucking class act. Worked backstage on The Visit at Williamstown. She was nothing but kind, warm and hilarious. Still kicking her face at 81. They simply don't make them like her anymore. a true star RIP https://t.co/qfz65UrZ2b