Before you reply to one of my tweets, remember who you’re talking to

Set my phone to black and white mode so I’d look at it less but now I’m just watching Tik Toks like they’re clips from Leave It To Beaver

How it feels doing woke body shaming in the greatest city in the world

Oh no we’re about to lose 50 fat guys who are scared of taking the subway and order Raising Cane’s delivery to their office in midtown every day while podcasting about diarrhea and white NBA players

After doing some boots on the ground research, I can say that everyone who is outside running in New York City today does not like it when you point at them and go “marathon was yesterday, buddy!”

Being a lifelong loser is really freeing. I have no idea what Slack even looks like. I’ve never had to “circle back” on anything. Just job after job where one of your coworkers might try to fistfight you but there’s not a pitch deck in sight

I meant Crossfire but who cares you get what I’m saying

Once Curtis Sliwa loses the mayoral race, we need him and Fran Lebowitz to do a Hardball style show where they argue about how long it should take to get a sandwich at a diner

We love to be a voice of guidance for our teen boys

Everyone knows I love my chickens. But when they come home to roost, it’s kind of like no no no I didn’t think you’d do that to me

I would lie and say this guy groped me so he got kicked off the plane

Hey bro come over we’re watching 480p reuploads of a guy who mysteriously disappeared eating a cactus with rubber bands around his face

I’m always grateful when publishers run a book through the Dog Chewed My Book simulator so you know what that might feel like

Sitting on the stationary bike at the gym like this while listening to the 48 laws of power on a Bluetooth speaker to assert my dominance

Not now, sweetie. Daddy’s listening a podcast featuring two people he doesn’t like so he can get mad on purpose

“Am I chopped and unc? Am I washed?” Brother you’re 35 and making tik tok videos about where to buy the best white t-shirt while talking like a high schooler. You’re ashamed of the wrong things

I bet it would feel so good to squish this guy with a really slow steamroller

Really disheartening that America will crumble because of whiny dorks. It’s not even cool evil guys. It’s Reddit dorks and guys with fat tits that wear tactical gear but never served in the military and women with so much plastic surgery they look like a Komodo dragon

Celebrities who keep doing commercials after they’ve made more money than they could spend in a lifetime should be forced to look directly into a camera and tell you why they’re doing it in the commercial or they get their hands broken with hammers

WHATEVER THE US GOVERNMENT SAYS, LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR: I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF

Made up a new mantra everyone can use: My shirt is a normal length and I don’t look weird My shirt is a normal length and I don’t look weird My shirt is a normal length and I don’t look weird My shirt is a normal length and I don’t look weird