Cristela Alonzo
@cristela9
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Podcast: https://t.co/roKdARojsk Stand-up 🎤: #MiddleClassy #LowerClassy @netflix Book: #MusictoMyYears Sitcom: #Cristela #DallasCowboys #ClipperNation
Joined July 2018
I am a 1st-gen Mex-American. I made history by being:. 1st Latina to create/write/star in network sitcom.1st Latina to star/lead Pixar movie. I’ve written a book avail in hardcover/audio. I don’t get the attention others get so I have to promote myself! Buy it! #MusicToMyYears
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REMINDER: If you can pronounce the names for characters in Game of Thrones, you can pronounce Latino names.
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This made me laugh so much. Don’t know whose pic it is.
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If a doctor confused a scalpel for a thermometer and killed someone, they'd be arrested for murder. Also, stupidity is not a defense.
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People think Dems are rigging the election but didn’t bother to take over the Senate?.
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It’s so weird that Ted Cruz would go to Mexico to seek refuge from Texas. 🤷🏽♀️.
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I can't believe Twitter invoked the 25th Tweetmendment.
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Forgot to add that my lawyers suggested getting my name copyrighted because the studio would try to own it because of the show. They tried doing it w/Reba McIntyre but she owned hers. So I paid money I didn’t have to do it. A WEEK LATER…the studio tried! I beat them by a week!.
I had a sitcom I created about my life. I was not the highest paid actor. I was not the highest paid writer. The show was named after me. People ask why I haven’t done created another show. Sometimes I get close but then remember how I was treated and I stick to stand-up.
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I got paid $0 for my sitcom pilot. When I sold my show, my white partner got 3 x more money then me AND an overall deal. I was 'not ready' to get one. The name of the show was Cristela. I also offered to shoot the show in English/Spanish. I wasn't the highest paid person on it.
.@LenaDunham was 23 when she sold #Girls to HBO with a page-and-a-half-long pitch, without a character nor a plot
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Being bilingual is a superpower. You have the power to help people in two languages. ✊🏾.
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:. Aries: Stay inside. Taurus: Stay inside. Gemini: Stay inside. Cancer: Stay inside. Leo: Stay inside. Virgo: Stay inside. Libra: Stay inside. Scorpio: Stay inside. Sagittarius: Stay inside. Capricorn: Stay inside. Aquarius: Stay inside. Pisces: Stay inside.
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I had a sitcom I created about my life. I was not the highest paid actor. I was not the highest paid writer. The show was named after me. People ask why I haven’t done created another show. Sometimes I get close but then remember how I was treated and I stick to stand-up.
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If you can’t face an audience of the people you represent, then you shouldn’t be Governor of Texas.
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IF👏🏾YOU👏🏾CANT👏🏾HANDLE👏🏾ME👏🏾AT👏🏾MY👏🏾WORSE,👏🏾THEN👏🏾GOOD 👏🏾FOR👏🏾YOU👏🏾FOR👏🏾HAVING👏🏾BOUNDARIES!.
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NOT A JOKE:. Spotify CEO pledges to invest $100m in content from marginalized groups. Doubles down on JR and they would, they spent a lot of money on him BUT. the balls this guy has to say he'll split THE SAME AMOUNT HE PAID ONE GUY TO MARGINALIZED GROUPS IS EVEN WORSE.
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Um, two guys tried to assault my brother, special needs nephew and I two weeks after he got elected after they asked where we were from. We said Texas, they kept saying, “Mexico.” My story isn’t special. Where is the article for people like us?.
Young Republican women are aggrieved, outnumbered, defiant. And they aren’t going to apologize for loving the guy in the White House.
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My dad cheated on my mom and had a secret family with another woman. She left him. Growing up, she would say, "Never beg anyone to do anything they don't want to do." And that was a big lesson. I just randomly thought of that and figured someone might like to hear that now.
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FUN FACT: When I got my sitcom that I wrote/starred in got picked up to series, I was broke and had to borrow money to get by and buy clothes to wear to upfronts in NYC. This was after a year of having sold the show. People thought I was rich when I had no money. Pay writers.
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Please stop visiting Mexican restaurants if you don’t like how the food is served.
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UPDATE: Andrew Tate's car emissions right now are at zero.
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ALL LIVES MATTER!.Except if I want to get a haircut, go to the beach or get my nails done. Then, ONLY MINE MATTERS!. BLUE LIVES MATTER!.Except when I yell right at cop's faces w/no face mask on at protests while carrying guns. I'M A SOLDIER OF WAR! I PLAY CALL OF DUTY! PEW PEW!.
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The Chief fans booing against unity while seconds later, demanding a good game out of the same players is a really clear example of "We only want you to perform for us. We don't want to hear anything else from you.".
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Happy Rush Limbaugh Is Dead Day! I didn't even get the chance to put my tree up!.
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YOUR DECEMBER HOROSCOPE.Aries: Stay inside. Taurus: Stay inside. Gemini: Stay inside. Cancer: Stay inside. Leo: Stay inside. Virgo: Stay inside. Libra: Stay inside. Scorpio: Stay inside. Sagittarius: Stay inside. Capricorn: Stay inside. Aquarius: Stay inside. Pisces: Stay inside.
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You guys, I think we need to stop making fun of Marco Rubio.
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I wanted to come up with a Halloween costume that was a “sexy” version of something that made no sense. I present to you…”sexy afghan from the couch on Roseanne.” HAHA…. Tomorrow is another costume.
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One thing I’ve learned from the Barbie marketing is that companies do have money to market when they want to. Remember that POC.
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They are picking strawberries for you to eat while the air is harmful. They do it because they have to. Remember: These workers are out there every day. Think about that when you vilify a community you don't know. I am proud to be from a community of people like this.
Diego shared this photo of the strawberry harvest in Watsonville CA. The morning started off hazy and smoky from nearby fires. The smoke,irritating their throats and nostrils , hung in the air most of the day. The UFW continues to advocate for farm workers everywhere. #WeFeedYou
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One thing about the WGA strike that I constantly think of is the studios saying they will continue to pay late. When I signed my deal for my sitcom, I waited a YEAR to get paid. My boyfriend at the time borrowed money from his family for us to get by. Always remember the fight.
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{\__/}.( • . •)./ >🌮 U want this?. {\__/}.( • - •).🌮< \ Then stop saying we’re taking your jobs and that we’re all criminals.
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A reminder that critical race theory is another way of saying “facts.”.
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By the way, starring in Cars 3 was the thing I did right after my show was canceled and let me say. PIXAR IS AMAZING TO WORK WITH.
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People awkwardly clapped when Usha Vance mentioned her parents were immigrants from India and that this country allowed them to meet and fall in love…. Someone tell her the party thinks that’s the problem.
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HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO to all non-Mexican people that will celebrate by eating and drinking everything they think is Mexican today and then go back to talking about how we’re the problem tomorrow!!! 🌮🍺.
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And people wonder why I haven't come back to TV. 🤔 The support I had in 2014-2015 was non-existent. Also, the writers I couldn't stand on my show that like to take credit for the good parts of it while blaming me for the bad parts are now running another Latino show. 🍵.
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I’m just gonna say that Fabuloso is still in stock at the stores. This is a low-key tweet for those that know what’s up.
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I’m 43 today. It’s my birthday! Nothing else notable happened this day in US history except that I was born!!!.
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Now with both my unions on strike, maybe things will eventually get better and will inspire me to do something again.
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New #HisDarkMaterials episode on @HBO tonight. This hare makes her debut. Her name is Hester. I love playing her and I hope you love her too. She’s spunky. ✊🏽
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I’d like to shout out the A-Lister I had a get to Vegas from NYC ASAP for an event 22 years ago, that was furious when I said planes had stopped flying. Neither them OR anyone on their team believed me because “why would ALL planes out of NYC just stop?”. FYI: Still famous.
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Well well well. @Lin_Manuel as @JulianCastro. on SNL. A positive Latino role model played by another positive Latino role model. Let’s celebrate this moment because it doesn’t happen very often. 👏🏾.
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I need a Latina to moderate a debate. This shit would not be happening.
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Yo. though. At the rate we're going, next week we're going to find out the electricity bill at the White House is under Barron's name.
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Shout out to Latino children (both kid and adult) that will have the struggle of being called fat by the same people that get offended if you don’t get a second plate.
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I ❤️ this pic! @DoloresHuerta celebrated her 90th birthday by sitting outside her daughter’s house as a parade passed by her house to show their love! ALSO NOTE THE 2020 CENSUS SIGN BECAUSE BIRTHDAYS DONT STOP HER WORK! #SiSePuede ✊🏽. 📸: Henry A. Barrios for @KernSolNews
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This is how I announce that I'm endorsing @ewarren for President. I'll be at the Women's March in Reno THIS Saturday. COME AND SAY HELLO!. Her intelligence is necessary and w/@JulianCastro's support, I know her vision will help the most needed communities.
Star power: Actress and comedian Cristela Alonzo (aka @cristela9) will campaign for @ewarren at the Reno Women's March on Saturday.
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Hispanic Heritage Month Fact: Not everyone is from Mexico.
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Pitch for a TV cooking show: Let Bobby Flay try to beat an immigrant mom’s food.
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I hope people noticed the impact @Lin_Manuel had on SNL last night when he entered. He was playing @JulianCastro but the audience was excited to see LIN as him. My point? When representation happens, we get to see the love/support a Latino can get from EVERYONE, not just Latinos.
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Felt cute. Might continue to fight against white supremacy later.
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Corn tortillas are great for street tacos. Flour tortillas are great for breakfast tacos. This ends the press conference.
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I had a show on TV once. I know many of you have forgotten it judging by the erasure of it from conversations. but FUN FACT ABOUT EQUAL PAY. the show was named after me. I starred and wrote on it. AND I WAS STILL NOT THE HIGHEST PAID PERSON ON IT. Not by far. #EqualPayDay.
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This happened to my brother and sister months ago. Were both born and raised in the Rio Grande Valley. Turned in birth certificates, all documentation needed. Were denied passports and asked to produce paperwork to prove they’re American. So yeah. .
U.S. is denying passports to Americans along the border, throwing their citizenship into question
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I supported a Mexican-American candidate that looked like me. The son of a single mother. I supported a brilliant woman that destroyed a billionaire with her words, showing how qualified she is. Truth be told, whatever @JulianCastro and @ewarren do, I'm there.
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Undocumented people getting citizenship doesn't change your life. It changes their life. Pass it on.
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SIX YEARS AGO TODAY. my short-lived sitcom “Cristela” premiered on ABC. I was the 1st Latina to create/write/star in a network sitcom. I still get people showing me so much love for this show. It means a lot that to some of you, it was as special as it was to me. Gracias! ✊🏽❤️
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FYI: There’s a book out called American Dirt about a border crossing filled w/harmful Mexican stereotypes that hurt rather than help the community. Oprah picked it for her book club. You want to see how authentic it is? These barbed wire centerpieces were used at party for it.
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"Yes I gave him a whole sandwich but you all get to share a sandwich! That's unity. Try to get as full as he is. I believe in you!".
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I meant trademark! Sorry. They try to trademark your name in case the show (named my actual name) is a hit and sells merchandise. So I wouldn’t get a cent from it. I didn’t know this had so many likes! Woah. Thank you. Actually makes me feel good that people noticed it.
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Cancel culture is such a big problem that this white man is allowed to tell us about it every week on a channel we have to pay extra to have.
Bill Maher Says Tokyo Olympics Are Out-“Woke”-Ing The Oscars, Proving Cancel Culture Is “An Insanity That Is Swallowing Up The World”
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The protests in Iran are SO important right now. The women are demanding justice. The aftermath after the killing of #MahsaAmini is something we should be following!!!.
I’m hoping my friends in comedy will help spread the word on the protests in #Iran over the killing of #mahsaamini @StephenAtHome @joerogan @JKCorden 🙏 #HumanRights #WomensRights
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(taps mic) Is this a bad time to say that today is my birthday? Not kidding.
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Good night everyone! I'm sure Joe Biden will re-win the election somewhere tomorrow. again.
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My therapist said I had a Type A personality so I asked him what I had to do to get a Type A+ personality.
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One protestor at Trump rally surrounded by three men trying to get her to leave. This protestor does have a ticket to the rally so she is a guest. Even if she didn’t have a ticket, it’s her right to be there. NOW, she’s been told they’re arresting her for trespassing.
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You should be able to go into a store having a Columbus Day sale today, take what isn’t yours and say you discovered it. ✊🏽. #IndigenousPeoplesDay.
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As a Mex-American, I have to call out Spanish-speaking news in the US for not putting focus on WHY people are protesting. We should be talking about George Floyd. Ustedes necesitan decir el nombre de la victima, es la razon que tantos estan protestando!.
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LIFE HACK: The reason so many of you think Cinco de Mayo is a thing. actually happens tomorrow.
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My sister had a stroke yesterday. I flew to Dallas to be with her. I was at this same hospital three weeks ago when my niece had a baby. Life is wild.
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Never seen “white” spelled that way.
JUST IN: Leaders of UNC-Chapel Hill say Nikole Hannah-Jones' tenure was revoked because she did not come from a “traditional academic-type background”
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They told her she was trespassing because of her shirt. MSNBC is showing all of this in real-time.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but…. 🗣 YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR FAKE VACCINATION CARDS! THEY ARE FREE WHEN YOU GET VACCINATED!!!🗣.
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WONDER TWINS POWER ACTIVATE! @JulianCastro @Castro4Congress on with @lawrence tonight! Both in Texas and not Cancun.
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Oh. I just experienced my first non-compliant mask guy on a plane. He was just removed off the plane. And he was Latino!. KIDDING HE WAS A WHITE GUY THAT FOUGHT WITH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT!.
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FYI: @soledadobrien’s Twitter should be developed into a TV show. A daily half-hour show that breaks down headlines by telling the public what journalists omitted. Call it something like “What They Really Mean Is. With Soledad O’Brien.”.
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My sister had a stroke on Friday and got discharged from the hospital today. I’ve been with her since I landed. She���ll need therapy but she can talk and walk now. She couldn’t days ago. She has a short term memory. I don’t have many people left in my life. This is good.
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Years ago, I was in a reality stand-up competition where I got to the semi-finals and lost. I went out with some of the comics that night. We had dinner and beers and then went back to the hotel. We ended up in someone's room and within minutes, I was kicked out of the room. .
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Today’s my mom’s birthday. I miss her like I just lost her. Shout out to all the parents that come to this country, not knowing the language, taking any job they can so we can have a chance they didn’t have. Neither one of us would’ve imagined I’d be doing what I’m doing now. ❤️
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FYI:. JLO IS 50. SHAKIRA IS 43. As a Latina, this is one of the reasons I love about getting older.
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Remember that being bilingual is an impressive skill that not everyone has. I say this because for far too long, so many of us have been asked to translate things at jobs for free when really, they should be paying you extra to do that.
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RGV! I’m resting but there are certain things I need to make time for, like this. Looks like Greg Abbott will announce reelection for governor and I need to remind my people from the Rio Grande Valley of something. I’m tired of being tired. That’s why I’m with w/@BetoORourke ✊🏽
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If not Warren, what female president are we actually waiting for?. SHE IS HERE NOW!.
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What're you getting with your $600 stimulus check? Me? I'm buying lettuce at Whole Foods.
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I just want to say how proud I am to be involved in both @JulianCastro and @ewarren’s campaigns this year. I have never worked with a more diverse group of people. They way their people talk, what they believe. I wish people could see it. And more importantly, feel it.
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Now that he made it official, I can say I’m supporting @BetoORourke for Governor of Texas and will be spending time back home to help with the campaign. Let’s do this!.
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FYI: When you come from an immigrant or (whether you're first-gen, undocumented, etc) and/or poor family. people might not understand that when you get to be the first to do something, you carry your entire family along w/you on that journey. Your success is their success. ✊🏾❤️.
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I'm a first-gen Mex-American that grew up in a mixed status family. We squatted in an abandoned diner for 7 years. I shared a twin bed w/my mom till I was 18. I dropped out of college to help my family. I took care of my mom til she died at 21. I have anxiety and depression. .
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I was today years old when I learned that white privilege is spelled j-o-s-h h-a-w-l-e-y.
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Yesterday, my oldest brother (a schoolteacher) became the 1st person in my family to retire from a job. I come from a family where people work until they die because their jobs don't come w/benefits. My brother retiring is something he could do because of my mom's sacrifices.
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I struggle with depression and have been in a depressive episode for a while now. It’s hard to explain how it feels but I post this in case anyone out there is feeling like this as well and reads this. Sometimes it can feel lonely but just know, there’s a lot of us out there. ❤️.
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I know we're finally getting back to normal because a woman thought I worked at the store I was at today even though I was wearing AirPods and carrying a shopping bag.
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This feels like we are signing each other’s yearbooks and wishing we have a great summer.
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I'm not one to talk about what I'm working on but. I figured I need to work on that so I'll tell you something that's already completed. I wrote a Christmas movie for Lifetime over the lockdown . It was shot months ago and will be out this holiday season so you better watch it.
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Here is the moment @JulianCastro announced his presidential run. I started crying. in Spanish. Este es el momento cuando Julian Castro anunció su campaña para la presidencia y yo comencé a llorar. en español. #Julian2020
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Today I decided to dress up a Tejana that made history and changed the game forever! Anything for Selenas! 🌹
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George Lopez has never hosted SNL. His new sitcom is on NBC. Invite him to host.
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