Stephen Colbert
@StephenAtHome
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This time of year I love watching the states change color.
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The human body was not made to expend this much energy thinking about Pennsylvania.
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One thing I know for sure: no one on the right side of history has ever had to nitpick what the definition of “cage” is.
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Thank god it's Kamala! I was worried Biden was going to pick someone else who would have made me absolutely still vote for him no matter what.
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For those who insist Trump is a religious man, I'll grant you he pays taxes like a church.
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Trump says he might not accept the 2020 election results. If he needs a recommendation, I have a great therapist who helped me accept the results of the 2016 election.
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No garbage collection today—because it’s MLK Day and because, this week, America’s taking out the trash on Wednesday.
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After these FBI arrests, just think of all the basements that moms will be able to redecorate.
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It’ll be a shame if history allows one horrific event on this president’s watch to overshadow all the other horrific events on this president’s watch.
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Just tried on an old pair of pants, and I refuse to accept the results. Widespread fraud.
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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There's so much I admire about the French: their sophistication, their cinema, their willingness to prosecute former presidents.
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Welcome home, @RealDonaldTrump! While you were gone we started actually punishing people for sexual harassment so, you know, heads up.
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The president wants a big military send-off tomorrow. Unfortunately, the military is busy defending the Capitol from his supporters.
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Let's take a moment to appreciate that we're waiting to find out if the winner of the election is going to win the election.
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I’m surprised the NRA was affiliated with car rental companies at all, considering Hertz and Avis enforce tyrannical rules like "age restrictions" and "having a license.".
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Telling your kids that Rudy Giuliani was once respected is like explaining that O.J. Simpson was once a football player.
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Non-hypothetical question: are you insane?
Hypothetical question? Can my 2 year old get in trouble 4 sexual harassment for asking his teacher to come to his place naked after school?.
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Hedge funds are complaining about losing billions on GameStop, which means it’s a good time to invest in whatever company makes the world’s tiniest violins.
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The president got permanently suspended from Twitter! .Your move, Grubhub.
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It feels like I just took my decorations down from last impeachment!.
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Please @JimmyKimmel - stay out of politics. Leave the important stuff to reality TV stars with a knack for bankrupting casinos.
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South Korean official response: “We are attempting to make sense of what, precisely, President Trump means.”. Welcome to the fucking club.
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Starting a twitter feud with @chrissyteigen is like trying to fight a hurricane with a sharpie.
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RIP Republican Health Care Bill. In lieu of flowers, please send new representatives to Congress in 2018.
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One of the most surprising parts of "Fire and Fury" is how Donald Trump accidentally started a national book club.
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As someone who’s been performing without an audience for the last 3 months, Mr. President, you get used to it.
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Well, this seems pretty clear.
Jaime Harrison just won his debate with Lindsey Graham by a landslide.
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Let he who is without a fetish for being spanked by a porn star with a magazine featuring you on the cover & then ask a lawyer set up a shell corp in Delaware to secretly pay hush money to hide your infidelity & the news leaks as you speak at a Pro-Life march cast the first stone.
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Repealing DACA in order to MAGA is a load of CACA.
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Fighting Tucker Carlson’s ideas is an American right. Targeting his home and terrorizing his family is an act of monstrous cowardice. Obviously don’t do this, but also, take no pleasure in it happening. Feeding monsters just makes more monsters.
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The president’s right that people shouldn’t compare him to Nixon. Nixon got re-elected.
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The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Tucker Carlson said Joe and Jill Biden's marriage is "as real as climate change." Because it's been around since the Carter administration, and it's only getting hotter?.
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And in one stroke, Twitter doubles the complexity of our nation's foreign policy.
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Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving, or as Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say, "Sarah Huckabee Sanders is not leaving.".
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Chris Farley and I started at Second City on the same day. You knew the minute you saw him on stage he was great. He was sweet and smart and funny. When I heard he had died, 21 years ago today, I fell to the ground. Rest In Peace.
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Hi Folks. We have a new show tonight w no audience, but we cancelled next week’s shows before our scheduled break. I wish I could stay on stage to share this uncertain moment w you, but I don’t do this show alone, and I have to do what’s best for my staff. Hope to be back soon.
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CNN: Roy Moore lost. MSNBC: Doug Jones will be the next senator from Alabama. FOX: IS MUELLER SECRETLY HILLARY IN A LATEX MASK? WE’LL ASK TED NUGENT.
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Don't worry about those Confederate statues being torn down. They're getting what they always wanted: out of America.
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Stephen King has been blocked by Trump on Twitter. I guess his book about a scary clown hit too close to home.
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I wonder how much money Bloomberg carries around with him. If only there were some way we could stop him on the street for no reason to search through his pockets.
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Trump's going on vacation for 17 days, or 1.7 Scaramuccis.
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That Starbucks cup in Game of Thrones really broke the reality of a dragon-riding lady in love with a guy who came back from the dead.
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Do we need a Super Secret Service to protect the Secret Service from the President?.
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“That interview was disturbing." - every Person, Woman, Man, Camera, and TV.
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Of course Obama gave a great speech. He’s married to Melania’s speechwriter.
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Let today be a lesson, kids: Crime doesn't pay after the first two and a half years of doing nonstop crime.
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Trump's going back on the campaign trail and the enthusiasm is contagious! Oh, wait that's not enthusiasm. .
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Last night, it was so refreshing to see an actual debate. Next year, it would be so refreshing to see an actual president.
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Wow, if I had invested $1,000 in Bitcoin last week, today I would have. still no idea how Bitcoin works.
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The virus still has 3 hours left to miraculously go away in April!.
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Remember: the president can pardon turkeys for federal crimes only. Corn and Cob can still be indicted by the Manhattan DA.
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9/11 First Responders Bill passes the senate 97-2! A long overdue honoring of our debt to them. Here’s a nice photo of McConnell walking in to vote, taken by the great Bill Clark:
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Why is anyone surprised that Trump's willing to shut down our government when it's clearly not the one he works for?.
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“And all the host laughed and wept. and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.”.
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Quarantine has finally given me the time to clean out my attic. I haven't done it, but the time is there.
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Anybody know what to do when your Democracy does this?
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“I pledge allegiance to the flag…unless times get tough, then I’m off to Cancun!”
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Easily the most stressful National Sandwich Day in my lifetime.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates' performance in front of the Senate.
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Sessions is "amazed" an "island in the Pacific" judge can block the travel ban. Just like how I'm "bewildered" a "racist elf" can be AG.
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Ratings for Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech were down 21% from last year. Maybe it’s time to re-cast the lead?.
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SEE YOU IN COURT WHERE WE ALREADY ARE BUT A DIFFERENT COURT SHUT UP NO YOU'RE STUPID!.
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"I ask that she bring those filings forward so that we can learn date, time, and place!" . tweets the man too scared to release his tax returns.
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Emma Watson wrote a note urging Americans to vote. She didn't spend her childhood fighting a dark lord so we could elect one.
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Has somebody tried turning Iowa off and turning it back on again?.
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I am starting a petition for the Democrats to let @iamcardib give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Sign it by retweeting this!.
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TRUMP: Putin says he didn’t do it. So I believe the guy. ALSO TRUMP: We can’t be sure this 8-month-old isn’t a sleeper agent for MS-13. Better make him appear in court alone.
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Please please please represent yourself in front of the Supreme Court. I'll never ask for anything else ever again.
SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!.
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Georgia is recounting all presidential ballots by hand. We're 72 hours from the GOP demanding a recount by foot.
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Okay, GOP, you win: we should arrest whoever appointed FBI Director Christopher Wray.
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Mar-a-Lago members are quitting in droves. Turns out, it’s just not the same if you can't hear the launch codes being shouted over the shrimp buffet.
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Before you decide if the former president is responsible for the Capitol riots, remember that in America you’re innocent until proven guilty, then proven guilty again, then proven guilty again and they hold a hearing in primetime to show everyone how you’re really, really guilty.
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Funny how when James @Comey writes a book about the 2016 election and how he lost his dream job and drank wine nobody tells him to go walk in the woods and keep quiet.
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College seniors, take it from me: you don't need a commencement ceremony to sit outside in the blazing heat, pretending you're not hungover.
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Elementary math under Betsy Devos.Q: Ned and Sheryl each have 4 apples. Who has more apples?.A: Whomever Mike Pence decides has more apples.
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After 175 years of staying neutral in elections, Scientific American has endorsed Joe Biden. Good thing Trump has practice getting spanked by a magazine.
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I still haven’t decided where to go for my week off, but I’ve got it narrowed down to the kitchen or the den.
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”.
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Alex Trebek was a gentleman, and it was a privilege to share the stage, even briefly, with such a kind, thoughtful guy. Rest in Peace.
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Matt Gaetz never took COVID-19 seriously because she was a little too old for him.
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My network will be carrying Trump’s Wall speech live. So at 9pm Tuesday, tune into CBS to See B.S.
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I'm interviewing Barack Obama on Monday, which gives me great pause. Not because I'm worried—he just has incredible pauses.
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Jeff Flake says politics have become too partisan. I agree — time to reach across the aisle and have tough conversations like: “Kids in cages: good or bad?”.
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The White House is saying Trump's slurred speech last week was due to dry throat. It's a common side effect to lying mouth.
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I'm surprised federal troops made it to Oregon so easily. According to my favorite video game half of them should've sunk while fording the river.
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Mr. President, you misspelled “Beto.”.
VETO!.
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Biden has now been certified as the winner in Arizona, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and a J. D. Power Award for best mid-sized family vehicle.
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It's so cold in New York this weekend, I think I might stay inside since last March.
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“If we didn’t do any murder investigations, we would have very few murder cases.”
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