When you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I was delivering Brad’s pad thai.

Jasmine Crockett: “Stop believing the lies they are putting out there. The only person that is harming you right now is the old white nepo baby that is sitting in the White House that is causing all the destruction, pain, and problems you are enduring”

Wait, so we ARE relevant? #eatabagofdicks

🚨NEW: The Writers Guild of America, one of the largest unions in the industry, has called for an investigation into the firing of Stephen Colbert. RETWEET if you stand with Colbert against CBS!

Well I have to say I wasn’t expecting @jimmykimmel to be front and fucking center when the fascists rolled in but thank you for your fucking service you funny weird bastard. ❤️👍🏼

Karaoke is mostly just some fucking dude in a hat shouting PANAMA at you for five minutes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

it’s impossible to overstate the importance of this discovery to the field of punning

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Chin up, team. Take some time. Take care of yourself. Take care of your loved ones. Take care of your community. There are a million ways to make a difference—get back in the fight when you’re ready. And know that, whenever you are ready, I’ll be ready to get back in with you.

Let us be clear.

Just wanna be clear: I’ve been calling this weird orange weirdo “weird��� since before he was weird in politics. All ya MAGAs are WEIRD AF

Trump (who is weird): They’re the weird ones! Nobody's ever called me weird. I'm a lot of things, but weird I'm not. And JD Vance is not either

they're not beating the weird cult allegations

Weird.

Hey, does anyone know of any shows I can do in Dublin tonight BECAUSE OUR FUCKING @JETBLUE FLIGHT IS TURNING AROUND AGAIN FOR THE SAME FUCKING REASON ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME @JETBLUE I AM OUT OF CLEAN UNDERWEAR WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

this is not pro-disabled. this is anti-homeless architecture disguised as disabled accommodation. do not be fooled.

I’ve never endorsed a presidential candidate before. But this year’s election stands to be so enormously consequential for women and families that, this time, I can’t stay quiet. Women deserve a leader who cares about the issues they face and is committed to protecting their

This is my favorite joke from my Netflix is a Joke set

My favorite high-maintenance regular went four rounds today asking if there was any way to get gravy with his veggie burger. Sir. My dear. Darling. I know we’ve accidentally trained you to be off-menu but I can only serve you what we actually have.

Thanksgiving’s gonna be AWKWARD