Brian
@brianbjay
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Me: He-
Every guy who ever went to sallies: yea but we're better at sports lol
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My neighbor came over at 11:30 asking if he can borrow a ping pong paddle and I wake up to this
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Cab kids
Perks Of Having a Musically Inclined family, Even us singing the HBD song sounds wonderful lol 🥰
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Never in my life have I seen a goat that can operate a phone this well
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Holidays suck because I have to listen to owen pronounce hors d'oeuvres the way it's spelled like 18 times and think he's the funniest person alive
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One time in second grade one kid farted so much that we had to clear the room, and he had to get his bowels blessed by the priest
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Some people haven’t shared a room with Owen Johansson before and it shows
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@rachelEtitus
@DhirSid
I too hate it when multiple schools try to end child hood cancer, the WORST
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Elena Delledonne just tried to tell me she wasn't Elena delledonne and just looked like her so I called her on it
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Turkey Leg
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Wife swap liked my tweet?
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I think I'm gonna get a job in a mirror factory, that's something I could really see myself doing
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Me headed to Applebee’s after seein a 2 for 20 ad
This rodent pig can run 35 mph. Usain Bolt tops out at 27 mph. Tell me why humans are the greatest species on earth again?
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Can someone give me Mikey White's number? I wanna tell him he's ugly
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My friend is an 18 yr old artist who just dropped out of college to pursue his dream. Share his art so he can afford to eat! DM me to buy
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Everyone please pray for my friend
@AndressEthan
! He was recently diagnosed with both Rectal and Genital Gonorrhea😔. The doctors say it's one of the worst cases they've ever seen so every prayer counts! 👏🏼👏🏼God bless and happy Easter 🐰
#PrayForEthan
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99% chance that when I walk into homeroom hogan uses his hands to demonstrate how his test fucked him
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Hung out with Hayeon at activity period and then maya back to back! Might've been the same thing but couldn't tell
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Someone I love overdosed recently if you ever need to talk I’m always here it’s not worth it
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Joe Rogan says if we teach all kids to fight there will be no more bullying. No joe that just means the bullies will be able to roundhouse kick me
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Forgot my contacts so I had to wear my glasses today and everyone thought I was joking so I just went with it
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Sometimes Pratyush will come up to me and quote one my tweets like it wasn't me who came up with it
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I stole a toilet seat from the police station but they never caught me because they had nothing to go on
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Nate's dressed like an elf but looks more like Harley Quinn and I'm kinda turned on
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This disease is RUINING my arts and crafts store. This country is fine w/o arts but CRAFTS...wth are we gonna do without crafts!!
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My only issue with all gender bathrooms is that at any moment a girl can go in there after you poop😔
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It's July and Ms Melendez just made me drive to school so she could give me a demerit
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Are we still storming Area 51 on Saturday? I need to know if I should call out of work
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Thinking about the time a stranger complimented how I smelled and I told him “thanks I just got new shampoo!:)” and then realized he was talking about the weed in my pocket
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Only a matter of time before a white person takes Pokemon Go too far and quits their job or travels cross country
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Sometimes I think the world is going to run out of funny jokes but then I remember that I laugh every time someone says poop
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Anyone who doesn't go to Charterthon is a coward and shall be punished accordingly
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Ok now I'm mad
Signing orders to move forward with the construction of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines in the Oval Office.
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The only thing I learned in middle school was every lyric to Rack City
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