thicc sad world
@boob_haver
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Following
1,312
Media
905
Statuses
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thinking AOCs shirt said EAT THE RICH vs realizing it says TAX
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This yelp review of my local police precinct is the only thing that matters
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Am I financially rich? No.
But am I rich in love, friendships and my health? Also no.
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age 20: ok if I eat nothing but grapefruit for a week I’ll feel ok naked
age 31: yea I’m gonna eat meatballs for breakfast and then post nudes
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went thru my followers & blocked everyone I don’t wanna have sex with, so if you’re reading this u know what that means
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Patiently waiting to go viral so I can reply “wow this blew up” with a picture of the World Trade Center
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my boss got a letter from the state that if he doesn’t send back a former employee will get unemployment by default so I did my civic duty and threw that shit in the trash
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White woman: Happy Cinco de ~Drinko~ u guys !! hahahahahahahaHAHAHAhahaHAHAHAHhahaahahah *jaw unhinges as she crunches down on an entire margarita glass, a bowl of salsa, blood is everywhere* NOW LETS BUILD 👏🏼 THE 👏🏼 WALL 👏🏼
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God bless the internet and its plethora of helpful advice
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I’ve got like 23 good followers the other 2750 of u suck ass
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I used to try not to be superficial but then I realized that ugly men don’t have good personalities either
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felt cute might become the manager of an old timey gas station later
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If my neighbors don’t wanna see me get my pussy ate on my couch they simply should not look out their windows
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men wanna pay for the girlfriend experience like ok go ahead and venmo me I’m ready to yell at you and pee with the door open
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sex feels good but have u ever had a kitten reach out and touch your face with its tiny soft little paw 🥺
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good pussy sound like hitting the bowl too hard and the ash pulls thru
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Told myself I wouldn’t get horny for farmer’s market Zizek today but here we are 😰
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everyday without Italian hand emoji is another day I suffer
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what should I name my daughter who is a tiny perfect angel??
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just let cardi b say wet ass pussy on the radio who gives a shit the world is ending
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@araslanian_
@kellyblaus
~you're not depressed you just need to eat clean and utilize essential oils~
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it brings me no pleasure to report that cleaning the house, exercising and eating healthily actually mitigates depression
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if you’ve seen someone’s butthole you are legally required to respond to them in a timely fashion
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I miss the 90s when the October issue of Cosmo would have 31 Spooky Sex Tips to Blow His Mind, like blindfold him and tickle his balls with skeleton fingers, stuff his ass with candy corn, the grapefruit trick but it’s a pumpkin, set the mood by playing The Monster Mash,
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I’m sick of brushing my teeth. The mouth should be self-cleaning, like the vagina
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Since getting laid off in March I’ve spent this quarantine getting back to the hobbies I’m really passionate about, like being a pothead
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acab, including & especially the woman in line behind me who pointed out I hadn’t paid for my sparkling waters
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On national donut day you can put a donut on your homie’s dick and eat it off and it’s not gay
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don’t dm me unless you’re ready to have photo shoots like this
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will u all still like me when u realize being dumb isn’t just a bit
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hi it’s me the man with 24 followers being rude in your mentions I thought you might prefer a dm chat instead this evening queen
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OK I know I’m supposed to pee before and after sex, but what about the other 364 days of the year?
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men: control literally the whole world
also men: brains can’t figure out how to like both boobs *and* ass at the same time
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my favorite super bowl tradition is when all the men pass the 7 layer dip around to see whose dick can reach the deepest layer
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I have had my kitten for about a month and am thinking about getting her a little brother, does anyone have any advice? Do cats like to have a friend or do they prefer being an only child? Is anyone here a cat whisperer who can tell me what fifi really wants????
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just found out I have to actually do things at my new job, what the hell????
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It’s 2015. You turn on your favorite song Hotline Bling. You just went viral for tweeting “coffee is just bean soup when you think about it.”
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lmao Kim pretending she knew about fashion in 2001 WE HAVE THE RECEIPTS SIS
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started making this while I was drunk at 3 am and then gave up
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Support the troops? Support my tiddies my back is tired damb
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if I died today my only regret would be not stealing more from the self checkout line
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POV u just died and are floating towards the light and I tell u it’s ok the void is nice actually come w me :)
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damn all these militarized police in democrat run cities kinda got me thinkin electoral politics don’t really matter 🤔🤔🤔🤔
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I’m sure childbirth is painful but have you ever found out an animal you follow on Instagram died
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everyone protesting is hot which proves the thesis that good politics and long walks make you attractive
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I don’t ask for much just for constant attention, positive affirmations, and to be spoken to in a soothing voice
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@tamagotchimilf
I was in college and we just named our mixed shots swine flu shots and continued making out with strangers
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idk how anyone can focus on any storyline in mad men other than Joan’s huge milkers
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the rumors are true it is my birthday and there was a 60° temperature drop
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when everyone else in your office got strep throat but you’ve been training for this by constantly challenging your immune system with drug abuse and poor food choices
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Election Day morning checklist
microdose ✅
antidepressant ✅
Valium ✅
ketamine ✅
soup dumplings ✅
coffee ✅
roll a joint ✅
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I’m looking forward to the election being over so liberals can stop harassing me about voting and start blaming me for the results 😎
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men will literally make you a slave on Mars before they’ll go to therapy
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pray for my sister who just got this email about her son lmao
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boomer comedian: Haunted houses? Not scary. You think I’m afraid of a hideous monster popping out at me, you oughta see my wife!! Hahahahah get it because she’s fucking ugly and I hate her goddamn those millennials and their avocados and their socialism
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