It doesn't matter how many times you fall down what matters is how many times you get up. I fell down twice but got up 6 times. I am hero.

Hello bird friends. Long time no tweet. Show for Melbourne! Only one night! Get in! .

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I leave my Fitbit at home a lot. Just to see how well it tracks existential crisis.

Sweet #coffee with the glorious @figgled for the wild #edfringe best times with great pals

@Daniel_Sloss @GarethWaugh.

Scotland are you weak or is this cafe just taking the piss? I went to The Holyrood on Cowgate got a bacon roll for £3 and got this. The saddest roll in the world. #EdFringe19 #Scotland #weak

The show so full of jokes some are calling it Intenso! Get in! It's a bloody cracker. #edfringe #edfringe2019 #intenso .

Pool noodles or floaty spaghetti. Both are delicious.

True fitness is a long arduous task of commitment and sacrifice. Getting lean takes focus. Food is fuel and medicine. Luckily I'm a world class expert dietitian and life coach. Here's a completely organic meal to get me through @edfringe .Get along!!.

A harpoon is just a sweet keep spear. If it wasn't for these the oceans would be almost full of spears.

Catching an Uber black to the bus stop encapsulates how most of us are living.

All full English breakfasts lead to full English toilets.

London is mostly rats and pigeons. Humans are just the garnish.

ONE WEEK!. #EdFringe2019 #edfringe #foodjokes #biscuits #nomnomnom #tasty #friends #creation #sorrynotsorry #swans #bookslam #foods #hagglejaggle #swordlord #corns #echo #badger #scotland #hamandcheeseplease #pingers #dinotears @Justthetonic.@edfringe.

Change rooms in department stores promise you'll come out different. You're just trying on pants you look crap in. They're private self loathing chambers at best.

Matching puffer jackets matching souls.

Hooray for World Fringe Day! So excited to be doing my first @edfringe with an hour of stand up all about food!! @WorldFringeDay.

Business idea. A chemist but everything is mixed into a giant tub. You can just go in a get a ladel and fill up a bucket with some all in one master ointment and you're sorted for the month.

Leaf blower on a windy day. Pointless or just joining in with the weather.

If you want to be a despot but at the countries have been taken just go to a cafe and add bacon to a perfectly wonderful vegetarian meal. Rule with a meaty fist!.

Whoever is running the salad industry is robbing us blind. Expensive, unsatisfying and generally sad. Ten dollars for a bowl of lettuce should be illegal.