chad
@badboychadhoy
Followers
39,002
Following
842
Media
4,089
Statuses
91,080
i’m the jack off tweet guy
NY | he/him
Joined May 2009
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Pinned Tweet
me: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)
my brain: except for you
me: except for me :)
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why’d they say successful like that
Prince Philip leaves UK hospital after 'successful' heart surgery
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if I ever have a daughter I will simply not care about her sex life because that’s fucking weird
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friday the 13th is just a superstition. the last friday the 13th we had this year was in march and I can’t remember anything bad happening around then so let’s just keep the good times rolling folks
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i’m really gonna be 60 years old named chad I can’t fucking take this anymore
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I do not think it should be national news when a celebrity enters rehab and that's just how I feel
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People who actually unpack their suitcase and use the dresser in their hotel room are at a level of responsibility that I will simply never attain
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if a woman broke ur heart u can just say that bro u don’t have to be a misogynist for the rest of ur life because of it
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why are people still making fun of the name chad. it’s one syllable. it’s aesthetically pleasing. my name’s chad and I’m nice. y’all are just letting dudes named preston go unchecked bc chad’s an easy target? c’mon man. hayden???? tucker????? gimme a fucking break
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would I suck my own dick if I could? I’ve been jacking off my own dick for like 13 years take a wild guess pal
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“she has cellulite”
ok and? I don’t care about her service provider I care about her fat ass
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men will use 3-in-1 shampoo from the ages of 13-25 and wonder why they’re balding
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you texted her today telling her how thankful you are for her. she texted you back the same thing. she meant it. you both meant it. you’re so deeply in love and nothing will ever come between you. both of you share the same deep desire to spend the rest of your lives together.
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does anyone else eat their meal in order from their least favorite part to their favorite part or do I have some rare form of OCD
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“weed isn’t addictive I just always have to be high. even during something as important as my wedding day I have to be balls to the wall high to be able to function”
Visual representation of me on my Wedding Day... 🤷🏽♀️😁😌
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my little brother passed away today. he was a strong kid. 20 years old and I loved him a lot. he was addicted to opioids but he was recovering and we thought everything was okay. I don’t need any sympathy I just need to say it so people know why I’m not around.
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why are we still pretending that chili’s and applebee’s are different restaurants
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millennial standup: my mental illness has genuinely made my life harder and here is an amusing way of putting everything
boomer standup: holy fucking christ do I hate my wife and kids
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no one under 5’8 should have a driver’s license. where you driving to? preschool ??
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my gf thinks I put too much pepper on my eggs can one person besides my dad pls tell me that fried eggs are supposed to look like this
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if you use
apple music: wealthy parents
spotify: u have been to warped tour at least once
amazon music: bootlicker
pandora radio: boomer
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sleep is for the weak? then I guess i’m a little baby bro. yeah I guess i’m a little sleepy little guy. a little snoozer. I guess i’m a little goo goo ga ga ass bitch then dude
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make your morning skinny your whole day skinny by simply being too anxious to eat
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it’s 2021 how do we not just have alcohol pills that get u the perfect amount of fucked up I don’t understand. what the fuck are scientists even working on
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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dudes be 5’6 saying “my life a movie” yeah bro it’s the hobbit
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i’m really gonna be 60 years old named chad i can’t fucking take it anymore
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“we all have the same 24 hours” no we do NOT. mine are different and more troublesome
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Bisexual community hear me out: stop using the word bisexual and instead use the word ambisextrous
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if I unfollow you I want to stress that it was nothing personal. it was just that I could simply no longer bear to see ur stupid fucking avi or ur stupid fucking thoughts anymore.
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mouse who somehow became an airline pilot: this is your captain squeaking
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reply to this tweet with your favorite tv show and i’ll respond with why it fucking sucks and why you should feel bad for enjoying it
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if I had a girlfriend I would like her instagram pictures without her having to ask
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Please learn the difference between i.e. and e.g.
For example:
I wish to die, i.e. no longer be alive
I wish to die by weapon, e.g. gun, knife, or sword
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how you gonna be 5’8 dropping weights in the gym. the ground is right there just put them down
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doctor: I know there’s a lot of stigma surrounding testicular canc-
me: stigma testicles in ur mouth lmfao
doctor: I for real cannot wait until u die from this disease
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aw fuck I faced one obstacle at 11am? now I can’t do anything the rest of the day
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My boner always points due north that’s why I call it my cumpiss
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who decided to call it morning sex instead of breakfast sausage
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: yes
cop: *takes off doctor mask* lying is a crime
me: ok fine I’m not
jesus: *takes off cop mask* I’m proud of you
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I matched with a girl on a dating app once and later found out she had recently passed away. I guess it was a match made in heaven :/
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alright folks obviously properly educating ur kid about consent and safety is important and that is implied. I am simply making fun of dudes who slut shame their hypothetical daughters but wouldn’t do the same for their hypothetical sons👍🏼
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Me: *smells a very good smell*
Me: *busts a nut*
Me: ugh I think I just came to my senses
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
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telling girls you’re gonna dick them down
- crass
- foreboding
- sounds like a punishment
saying “you have my sword, queen”
- regal
- bad ass
- swords are cool as fuck
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just a reminder that if that person you’ve been talking to for six months actually wanted to be together you would be together
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starting a youtube channel where I review beer except it’s always miller high life and I always give it five out of five stars
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I don’t tweet for validation. I’m a 28 year old man. I tweet because I can’t afford a therapist.
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@yephph
here’s an idea maybe go to therapy instead of finding solace in a crudely drawn cartoon
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if I had a girlfriend I would text her goodnight and goodmorning every day and tell her how pretty and nice she is often but maybe that’s just me
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this is why u should all tune into pro bowling at 11pm on a sunday night
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she’s perfect and the sex is great and I think I’m in love with her but tonight after finishing inside of her she asked if I wanted to be in a rela......🤢🤢 a relationsh....🤢🤢🤢 I cant even say it imma throw up
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no one under 18 should be drinking coffee. what do y’all need it for? To write ur 4-page double spaced paper about how Napoleon Bonaparte helped suppress a royalist insurrection against the revolutionary government in Paris in 1795? Lmao grow up u fuckin dweebs. u fuckin nerds.
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one of my favorite bits mat had for a while was asking me to send calf pics when he had a bad day
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@ThatsSoCorri
of course I love new girl! I love watching zooey deschanel play the only character she’s ever been capable of playing for seven straight seasons on a tv show! what’s not to love???
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the CDC has announced that I need my dick SUCKED my balls GARGLED my taint TICKLED and my gooch GOBBLED
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@CrypticNoOne
been trying to come up with a good way to roast breaking bad for a half hour I really can’t do it man
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me at 14: alcohol is bad and wrong
me at 22: I drank a fifth of everclear last night I can’t feel my hands today but it’s cool bc death is a myth
me at 26: alcohol is bad and wrong
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people who are shorter than u always see u from your worst angles and they still choose to interact with u so maybe you’re not as ugly as u think
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@CevinODonnor
possibly the most overrated sitcom of all time. jim and pam are the worst couple i’ve ever seen on a television show. they were the two hottest in the office and a similar age. their love is one of convenience and not of kindred spirits
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idk who needs to hear this but your favorite twitter accounts are real people with unique lives and feelings and it isn’t funny to be an asshole to someone you don’t know personally just because they have a following👍🏼
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oh white people can’t cook ? y’all never watched breaking bad huh
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@ajbabyboi
bitches who support trump and wear foundation twice as dark as their natural skintone love to name their kid blakeleigh
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didn’t expect this kind of attention at all for a dumb ass tweet about my eggs. I love my wife. do not talk shit about her it’s just a tweet
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imagine falling in love with a girl and finding out she has an onlyfans. that she’s showing her body to hundreds of people every day. that she’s making 10x the amount of money in one month than you do in a year. god I want that
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my deepest fear is that the greatest gamer of all time was born before video games existed
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y’all let suburban white kids find out about the term simp and now every man that doesn’t gaslight women is classified as one lmao
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if you’re ever feeling ugly just remember that there are people out there who think ben shapiro is hot. you’ll be okay
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@gabelireese
@Kylaah27
i am sorry that my shitpost did not perfectly describe you gabrielle. I’ll do better in the future
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getting excited for the 9am “delete this” crowd to start rolling through
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I have a job interview in one hour can everyone tell me my ass looks fat in these pants it will help my confidence
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