Little Baby Idiot
@andywattscomedy
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Following
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Best table manners in the game 🐴 🤠 Comedian. 🌱
Joined March 2018
Me staring at £20,000 in cash: Man, I can't believe this is my last one of these
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Smells can connect you in a powerful way to memories. Like recently I smelled unscented soap and it gave me amnesia.
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Smells can connect you in a powerful way to memories. Like recently I smelled unscented soap and it gave me amnesia.
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Hey man, you better be sat down for what I'm about to tell you. Someone robbed all the chairs in our house.
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With me, what you see is what you get! And what you see is ambiguous, mysterious, unknowable
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(Looking at the doomsday clock) Man where does the time go!
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Imagine how cool the road trip would have been across Pangea
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I don’t even remember what people did for leisure before GoApe
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Your honor my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit
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taking my bits and bobs over here because of how awful this site is https://t.co/Di2XgRAz3I
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Hot girl: So what's your new book called Tolstoy, aware women like strong men: War Tolstoy, remembering women like sensitive men too: ... and Peace
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Me trying to pee: *Thinks of water* Me trying to poo: *Think of land*
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They say the first line of a book is the most important, but I always find the copyright page bores me senseless
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Jaws is scary because they don't show the shark. Imagine if they didn't show the water either. Or even the beach. Ahhhh!!
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I’m running a total apolitical bipartisan protest march. Just a ton of likeminded people picketing in the name of nothing.
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why is voice cracking embarrassing man, as Leonard Cohen said, cracks are how the light gets in
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If you want to end yourself in a sound bath you just have to make the noise of a toaster
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dunce caps and graduation caps, the spectrum of intelligence represented in hats
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🏆 Leicester Square Theatre New Comedian of the Year Semi Final 3 is TOMORROW! 🎟️ https://t.co/5jP3Fi1ObK 🎟️
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