old tom
@YuckyTom
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proud mother to four robust conservative boys
new jersey
Joined April 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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ur in her dms, i bought a mansion across the bay from her home where i stare at a green light emanating from her dock every night and throw lavish parties hoping someday she’ll show up
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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the declining birth rate in our country has forced me to ask myself a couple tough questions such as “who cares” and “so what”
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got h*gh and and went to the gym and i turned to my buddy and said “who’s this guy sposed to be, steve pineapple” and when he said “what” i realized this was a character of my own creation from deep within my subconscious and not a reference / burn anyone would understand
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imagine writing not one but two massive epic poems so good they’re studied and referenced 2700 years later and still only being the second-most culturally relevant Homer
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a lot of negative shit can be said about dog breeding and what we’ve done to the majestic wolf over the centuries but the fact that english bulldogs are born with what seems to be an inherent desire to skateboard is nothing short of beautiful
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$13,000 stimulus checks so we can all try the chrissy teigen wine
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at the end of every haircut they ask me if i want product in my hair to which i always reply “no i’m going home to shower anyway” bc hair in my shirt bothers me so much i have an assigned “haircut shirt” are there people getting haircuts and just going about their day??
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roight facked innit
Prince Harry and William have a secret three-word code for 'times of extreme crisis'
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everyone remembers where they were the day they learned lmfao was an uncle and his nephew
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my boy cat is kinda homophobic (won’t let me kiss his little face) but i just GOT his ass with a lil smooch and said “you’re gay now you’re gay as hell” and he’s so mad he’s just staring out the window stewing
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dolly could do the allegory of the cave but plato couldn’t do jolene
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
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if i’m not the prettiest girl at trader joe’s i pull the fire alarm
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u want me to listen to music. the thing that made missy elliott lose control
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calm iguana u have to stop. u float too tough. ur drift too different. ur stillness too bad. they’ll kill u calm iguana
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the fact that this painting… THIS painting pictured below… is called “Witness My Act And Deed” is endlessly funny to me. so serious lol
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release literally everyone in jail for weed
A Massachusetts cannabis company is claiming it set a world record when it baked a marijuana-infused brownie that weighed 850 pounds.
The brownie contained 20,000 mg of THC, which would make it several thousand times stronger than the normal dosage
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duolingo: hey pal it’s been a while ;)
me: [marks as read]
duolingo: sup pussy u too good for me now
me: i’m not a... wtf
duolingo: oh wow he speaks lol not fuckin spanish tho i can tell u that
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i couldn’t help but wonder… with the cdc lowering her standards… was it time i started lowering mine??
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in the old days a grown man could wake up each morning.. put on a full suit.. and walk around selling vacuums.. that was a profession.. that was a viable career path
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a couple years ago my buddy explained to me how killing yourself with an oven worked. before that i thought sylvia plath just cooked her head
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he hated tortured poets…
and i was the whole fucking department
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[norm macdonald voice] went to see this ah… this morbius movie… because of the 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘴 y’know… and ah… i gotta tell ya… the title is perfect because ah… i’ve never seen more b.s. in my entire 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚
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nice summer’s day u got there.. be a shame if someone… compared thee to it
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representation is so important. when i saw this half-gay little mouse on my screen as a child i knew i was free to be me
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i’ve prolly said this before but the participation trophy thing that generation is always going on about is so wild to me bc like… they invented them right like…. we were 5 we didn’t do it u did… what’re u talking about
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don’t know if it’s the best but it’s an all-timer
Ok then, what’s one of the best. This is still one of my faves.
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a guy from my hometown who married his first girlfriend won’t get the vaccine bc he’s doing his own research like bro ur research for a life partner stopped in the middle school cafeteria maybe sit this one out
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when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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white guy seeing a coworker for the first time that day: there he is
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their country is literally a boot how could u hope to defeat them at the foot sport
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i can’t believe the can’t define woke lady is also the euthanized her mom lady, the ‘it’s time to befriend neo nazis’ lady AND the ‘my kid’s mask is this gross after one period’ lady. that’s TOO much main character energy for one person that’s insane she needs to be locked up
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
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if ur goth gf sees her shadow tomorrow that’s six more weeks of halloween
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today’s main character is one of the top ten most insane posts i’ve seen
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i’m 10,000 years old and i was the first person to try eating a crab. i saw this rock get up and start moving and i was like “lol whoa” but then i saw it start pinching shit and i was like “that rock’s not fuckin around” so i had my son bonk it on the noggin and dinner was served
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this is still so fucking funny to me. these people are truly beyond parody
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we need a more pleasant ‘please remove your card’ sound at the checkout bc the current one makes it sound like ur shit has been so declined they’re calling the cops
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when i was a kid i was a “tj” which was quickly changed to bj which of course only got worse once i got older and started suckin everyone’s dicks
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this poem means more to me than 97% of any other poetry i’ve ever read and i majored in english
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used to be you could use a pulley system to raise up a piano to a great height and drop it onto an enemy and that person would simply accordion out from under it with a large lump and their teeth replaced by the piano’s keys. but nowadays that would kill a man. because of woke
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oh for sure
It really feels like Millennials were the last people who got a largely apolitical high school experience. I don’t remember anything political, just a bubble of blissful ignorance. “Jackass” and Blink-182 were popular. The main concern was asking out your crush.
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impossible not to look like an asshole when operating someone else’s microwave. u wanted 30s so u hit 3? oops that’s 3m here u dunce u gotta hit “time cook” first. oh u thought u could just press “start” and it’d add 30s each time? nope this one’s different it’s not adding shit
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me when someone realizes they’re in the wrong lane at a light tries to move over: u moron u horrid lil goblin how did u even live this long u stupid dummy is everyone seeing this
me doing the same thing: help plz someone take pity on me i’m just a lil boy can’t u see i’m scared
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
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my 7 year old nephew writes books under different pen names and this one is particularly funny to me bc it sounds like a real ass author
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so many songs about love but only one about goin off the rails on a crazy train???
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me: [totally going gentle into that good night]
dylan thomas: [just fucking seething]
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idk u prolly could’ve just had board games as a kid idk
you have to be a whole other level of gay and religiously traumatized to recognize this location:
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the “great” library of alexandria probably didn’t even have the dewey decimal system or sopranos dvds but the new york public library definitely does. america wins again baby east coast let’s go
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me: u mean i can just rent knife shoes literally anytime i want
guy who works at the ice rink: again that’s not what they’re called but yes
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ohhhh THIS is why i’m living paycheck to paycheck. i never even CONSIDERED selling my porsche or asking one of the many people in my life with $20,000 just lying around if i could have it!
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anytime i watch a movie with ‘how’ in the title (i.e. how to lose a guy in ten days, how the grinch stole christmas, how to train ur dragon, how high) i take notes and acquire those skills
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just know everyone saying “they put a smock on u” or “thats what the paper is for” or “MY barber would never let this happen” these are absolutely asinine bullshit takes ur full of shit also if u get like 2 inches cut off your shit and styled obviously u wouldnt have this problem
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BREAKING: the cdc is now saying u can isolate if u want… but if not no worries!!
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@uspellCoUrTNey
common misconception. he meant get a good fedora. it’s on my vision board the same way
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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the best part about April fools day is how naturally funny everyone is & how comedy isn't hard & how pranks are the best form of comedy
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yes i am a white MALE yes i am raising four DURABLE conservative BOYS to become MEN no i don’t HUG them EVER my masculinity is THAT fragile yes i love ROCK n roll yes i live in a storage unit off route 22 i made some bad INVESTMENTS in a FAILED soft drink company
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i shoulda never smoked that shit now i’m on the bisexual pride couch from ikea
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i’d rather talk to a horse girl for five hours than a car guy for five minutes
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