Shutts
@Shuttsapalooza
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Got it all. Handsome as Beavis, funny as Butt-Head. He/Him.
Castlegate, Aberdeen
Joined March 2012
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@bas_judy
Got kicked out the casino last night for being too drunk, but when I was getting taken out, folk were asking why, I kept saying “card counting” and the bouncer became the most rattled man in the world. Screaming “that’s not why!” at me.
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No message is as powerful as one of the lads saying “just seen your mate”. Could mean anything. Someone who punched you 8 years ago? An ex’s new boyfriend? A known local nonce? All possibilities. But what you do know is, it’s going to be a direct hit & everyone is laughing at you
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Of course they’re losing, their whole team has been sent off!
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All these old fucks roaming the streets when they’re the only ones vaccinated
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Old boy in the pub hitting out with “nice costume!” to everyone coming in just dressed normally tonight. Huge laugh every time too. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy watching the masters at work.
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Jimmy Carr hosting one of the Countdown episodes
Richard Nixon sitting at his desk. July 1952.
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I’ll tell you one thing, Robert Lewandowski absolutely has a 43 apps 3 goals spell as Chelsea’s number 9 in him.
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Sure that new Ajax away shirt will look lovely sat in your middle drawer next to the 2018 Nigeria one that you also couldn’t pull off.
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You know who absolutely has a run at an Old Firm club in him? Neal Maupay.
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First look at Adam Driver as Mick McCarthy in Michael Mann’s ‘MCCARTHY’.
First look at Adam Driver as Enzo Ferrari in Michael Mann’s ‘FERRARI’.
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Fucking hell, that stadium really is falling apart!
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Just took 93yr Mum to vote, she’s registered blind. In a very loud voice she said, “What if long-range goals counted double?” A cheer went up from waiting voters.
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“The teams when I was 13 are pure Barclays!”
“No, the teams when I was 13 are pure Barclays!”
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Gary Neville getting sued is very funny because there is a man who would absolutely represent himself in court
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Limmy going off on one about Scottish Twitter last night might be the highlight of the twitch streams so far.
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The absolutely vile ‘joke’ at the end of this advert for Paddy McGuinness’ football DVD, Paddy McGuinness All Star Balls-Ups, has been stuck in my head since the day I seen it. Proper scarred for life stuff.
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Me 🤝 Relegation battling sides needing a central midfielder in the 2010s
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Boy in the bar keeps saying “Senior Hoilett more like” in conversations about a 33 year old Junior Hoilett playing for Aberdeen that he himself keeps starting.. and I’m in total awe. When you have a line that good, why would you not use it.
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“Seats available in our brand new beer garden!”
The beer garden -
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Kalvin Phillips isn’t just playing his way out of the euros. He’s playing his way into an Old Firm loan move.
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When the captain of Glasgow Rangers finds out the referee isn’t a Freemason
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This is the greatest 6:12am tweet of all time.
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Easily the greatest sporting comeback of all time. Tears in my eyes. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
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Nothing but respect for people replying to an engagement or pregnancy announcement on Facebook & making it clear that they’d already been told. Absolute power move, reminding the riffraff that there’s an order to these things.
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Boy in this pub has asked what school I went to and is now just listing ‘hard lads’ who went there, shaking my hand every time I know one. Ready to post my 5 star review on trip advisor, this is Sunday pub’ing.
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Tell us Glasgow pubs are full of folk only here for COP26 without telling us Glasgow pubs are full of folk only here for COP26
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You thought Helicopter Sunday was great? Just wait until we’re minutes away from the losing the title this season, when.. what’s that?! It’s Super Ally! And he’s cashing in the 10 points he had deducted in 2012!
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On Soccer Saturday doing the Luton v Newcastle game, got a weird feeling for Luton today.. Newcastle struggling with injuries
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Ignore the record low points thing. This Sheffield United are far worse than the Derby team, simply cauee there’s not an ounce of banter in them. Oh, someone ate a sandwich. Alright, call us when club captain, Robbie Savage is having to back the manager after his sex tape leaked
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I want to hear about players the streets DID completey forget. I’ll start.. Arda Turan.
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This is the most thrilling bit of television I’ve ever seen.
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(Every group chat in the country)
“We all watching Glasto?”
“Aye, mate 🍻 “
“Been class”
“We need to go”
“Defo 😂”
“For sure”
“Next year 👀”
“I’ll ask”
“Here he goes..”
“I’m in.”
“When does registration open?”
(Never mentioned again for 12 months)
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In awe at a 52 year old Lee Mack having a framed Joker poster up on his wall
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“How Ange Postecoglou’s team actually losing 4-1 to a local rival taught me it was ok to not be ok and that we should speak to our mates”
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Even the follow-up has done ridiculously too well. Who has a Spotify I can link?
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Boycie & Marlene
The Cheeky Girls with Saddam Hussein waxwork during Fabulous Gay Weddings launch party at Madame Tussauds in London, Great Britain (2005)
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State of Sam Matterface there, patting The FA on the back for lighting the Wembley arch in rainbow colours as a protest, like when your auntie shares a missing dog Facebook post from Inverness when she lives in Wigan.
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Nothing is more important than getting this costume into the possession of Johnny Knoxville.
A Japanese man spent over $20K for this border collie costume. You cannot convince me this isn’t some weird sex thing.
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When I started working for Brewdog, the staff induction covered the entire company and it was explained that they don’t have TVs in their bars showing football cause they don’t want to attract “that type of people”
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They’ll say Messi winning the World Cup is the main narrative, but really it’s - that Hugo fucking Lloris simply CANNOT be allowed to become the first captain to lift back-to-back World Cups. There’s no way our beautiful game could ever come back from such a blow.
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Looks like he’s away to give his score heading home on Come Dine with Me.
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Yer Da phones up TalkSport and brings up previous calls he’s made when making his point and the presenters don’t remember him.
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Some 17 year old replying to an Instagram post of Jimmy Bullard playing in some charity game
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Eddie Howe comes out in a formal suit to honour Queen Elizabeth II before quickly changing for Newcastle touchline duties
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You’re only spoiling things for yourself if you don’t respond to Ally McCoist’s “Afternoon everybody” with an “Afternoon Ally”
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Luton Town, an incredible advert for your newly promoted signings not being ‘highly rated prospects’ from France or Belgium, but getting in ‘they know the league’ and ‘can still do a job’ good Barclaysman. You just love to see someone who actually gets it.
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Ally McCoist commentating on that Queen of the South chance -
“Stephen Hendrie arriving right on cue”
And that folks is why he’s the best in the business.
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I know we have to agree that papers hacking phones is a bad thing.. BUT, it’s clearly in the nation’s best interests that we see the state of Jack Grealish’s DMs from the last 60 or so hours.
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Jürgen Klopp when Geoff Shreeves asks how he feels about the Saudi’s human rights records after they’ve bought him Mbappé & Jude Bellingham.
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Leigh Griffiths going to Celtic games in the same season they punted him, like one of them absolute dossers who left your school but still hung about outside every lunchtime, is incredibly on brand.
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“Nah, bro. We definitely don’t do Tennent's here, ha. The Quadruple Dry Hopped Cloudy Rye fused with Vaporised Goat’s Milk West Coast IPA is only £6.80 though.”
St Pauli put Dortmund to the sword last night knocking them out of the DFB Pokal, and we're willing to bet their tunnel played a part in some pre-match intimidation🏴☠️
Wouldn't fancy that as the away team...
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Ange Proddycoglou
#RangersFC
are today delighted to confirm the completion of the men’s football board, with the appointment of Nils Koppen from PSV Eindhoven as Director of Football Recruitment, subject to receipt of a work permit.
📲
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A classic case of a guy in the pub who clearly popped in for one after doing the shopping but it’s got out of hand. How do I know? Cause he’s currently shaking a pack of 3 mixed peppers above his head to Lonely Boy by The Black Keys like he’s Bez with a maraca.
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@pieceandturkey
January 2026, deadline day, joins who is 2nd on loan. 14 apps, 5 goals, 2 red cards. One goal is an Old Firm winner, another is in the Scottish Cup final, which is the only medal he wins. Always flirts with coming back, goes to Turkey instead. Still likes tweets, problematic ones
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Bassey & Patterson at the next gaff
🔵First-team players Nathan Patterson, Bongani Zungu and Calvin Bassey plus academy youngsters Brian Kinnear and Dapo Mebude were charged by the Scottish FA after flouting lockdown rules by attending an illegal house party last month.
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Scott Wright is currently being rested for a European final.
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There’s going to be more The Athletic articles written about the people who live in these houses than there will be about all of Scottish football next season
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The 3rd place playoff needs replaced by a World Cup All-Star game. Bring back the 45 year old keeper, the guy who tried the somersault throw, Herve Renard. Champion & McCoist do commentary. Robbie Williams closing ceremony. Trophy presented by Kirsten Dunst or Mel, from Mel & Sue
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Oppenheimer, but it’s the genius fella who first thought to put cans of lager in the freezer. He’s having the night of his life, then wakes up the next day to the incredible scenes of loss cause he left 2 in over night, they’ve exploded & he’s never the same again. Flew too close
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Young lad just came in. Clearly wired, with his pals. He orders a glass of water. I took him aside a bit & said “you can’t just order a water like that, they’ll know you’re on it”. He is over the top thankful. Goes back up. Orders a water & a pack of crisps. They’ll never learn.
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This is the most honest representation of how people actually end up searching for something on their phone anyone has ever been brave enough to share. Everyone taking this piss is simply in denial. Carlton, thank you.
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Tyrone Mings, the guy Gerrard dropped & stripped of the captaincy, then scoring the own goal that gets him sacked, is a simply stunning bit of Barclays booking.
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The laughs from the lads in the Monday Night Football studio the first time Carragher drops a “and for that reason, I’m out” on Neville during some analysis is going to be an all timer.
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It is mad the amount of shouts that Alex Turner is shite. If Sam Fender had 3 of these tunes, he could play arenas in cities he doesn’t wear football tops for. If Matt Healy actually looked like that in a black suit/white shirt, he’d still be with Taylor Swift. It’s just levels.
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This Liverpool result is the seed that set’s in Pep’s big bald brain that Haaland can’t do the big games. It grows and grows until March, then he starts a Champions League final with Rory Delap’s lad ahead of him. Oh HELL yeah.
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New owner of this pub is talking about “First thing I did was get it (Tennent’s) on draft” in the exact same way a new manager of a struggling side talks about how he brought in a real leader to help turn things around, a man who just gets the club, & I couldn’t get enough it.
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When I make someone I’ve never met before in the pub’s smoking area add me on Facebook.
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Peter Schmeichel genuinely just asked on BBC 5 Live “What happens if Japan beat Spain and Germany still wins against Puerto Rico?”
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👑 👑 👑
We really need one of the ex-pros to take Soccer Aid too seriously and properly ruin it for everyone one year.
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(They’re talking about kids TV on TalkSport)
Guy on the phone: “You need to give Bluey a try”
Alan Brazil: “No, no. I don’t do pills”
👑
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It’s really important that we keep the Rooney/Vardy beef going for at least another week so Brendan Rodgers has to give his opinion on it at the press conference for Leicester’s first game back after the international break.
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