My new book, A Very British Christmas, is out today! Your festive survival guide. Available at all the usual bookshops.

Someone even offered to send me some biscuits as payment. I had to tell them I don’t work for treats as I’m not a dog.

Its time to have another community Fan Art event where you make the art, and the community votes their favorite! The top 5 art pieces will be receiving the rewards! RULES: - Anything Hero Siege related - No NSFW - No AI (we will filter these out) - Post progress pictures, at

Email conversations I seem to have regularly: “Hi Rob, love your content, can you do some content for our business?” “Can do. How much are you paying?” “Oh… unfortunately we don’t currently have any budget”

I’ve got to stop reading the news as soon as I wake up. The first words I saw today were “doom loop.” This can’t be good for my health.

Whoever the man in the tracksuit is, he’s a hero. I hope he pulls through. Unbelievable bravery.

I used to have more money before smartphones, back when £50 wouldn’t suddenly leave my account because of an app I’d forgotten to unsubscribe from.

I don’t like to boast, but there’s not much I’m good at, so I just want to let you know… I actually find changing the oven clock very straightforward.

Why does every single comedian these days have to do a “oh it’s so complicated ordering coffee!!” sketch. It’s really not that confusing.

Happy UK publication day to the lovely @RobTemple101! 🥳Today A VERY BRITISH CHRISTMAS publishes in hardback and VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS CHRISTMAS QUIZ BOOK is out in paperback!🎄@SoVeryBritish

I was just in the queue in a small local shop when a lady burst through the door and shouted towards the till - from the doorway! - “SORRY, DO YOU SELL VICTORIA SPONGE CAKE?!” The cashier replied, “No.” The lady yelled, “THEY DON’T SELL IT!” back to someone waiting outside, then

I got in a lift today on the fourth floor. An elderly gentleman was already in there by the buttons, the ground floor button already pressed. ‘All aboard,’ he said as I stepped in, then asked, ‘Where to, sir?’ I replied, ‘Two, please.’ He pressed the two button and said, ‘Good

Middle-aged comedians seem to get in so many pickles when it comes to ordering coffee in coffee shops.

New book! https://t.co/c77pYPxWLg

I went to bed last night thinking “I'm going to have a jacket potato tomorrow” and when I woke up this morning my first thought was, “I'm excited about that jacket potato I planned to have today.”

Things you say when you get stuck talking to someone you don’t know at a wedding when you’re really bad at small talk: “So where you staying? Near here, or…?” (Why do you need to know this?) “You got here alright then?” (You ask this to tee up an anecdote about how you had

Many alcoholics are often very knowledgable about sobriety, more so than the average person, and manage to achieve it long term - so a rather strange analogy to use.

When insta CEOs tell us they wake up at 4am and have all their daily tasks done by 8am - and those tasks mainly involve ice baths, journaling, and meditation - all they’re really telling us is they’re not very busy.

You knew you were dealing with a cool character when you saw they were fully lower case 😎

Weird to think all those people who typed their tweets with strictly no capital letters are middle-aged now.

Me: “good”