Tim Vine
@RealTimVine
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Comedian. Plastic Elvis. https://t.co/V1C4agGVpJ https://t.co/qwcXHSNiwa
Joined July 2011
Heeeey!! My Brand new stand up show BREEEEP! is .AVAILABLE NOW! As a download on Amazon Prime, Apple TV and Sky Store. And as a physical object DVD thing from
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I may look at this picture every day for the rest of my life. đ
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Dear BBC,.The FA cup final should be a 3pm kick off and the build up should start at 8.30am in the car parks of the team hotels, followed by live footage of the players eating breakfast. Please cover this event properly like you used to. Regards,.Every single living football fan.
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About 2 weeks ago Motty came to a match at Sutton United. I had the honour of sitting next to him. I remember a moment of goal mouth action and on my right I heard âohhâ. The classic Motty exclamation. Made me beam with joy. To my generation he was the voice of football. RIP x
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If I was Wayne Rooney I would have named at least one of my children Fabba.
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Very sad to hear about Sean Lock. One of my absolute favourite comics. Always always made me laugh. RIP Sean. X.
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I did it. With about 15 minutes to spare I think. The hand mirror split screen idea could catch on I reckon. Unless you want to go for 18s. Happy New Year everyone! #Onehour180challenge
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I had a pet clay pigeon. I made the mistake of calling him Paul.
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In the past whenever something seismic happened to this country we would receive a word of encouragement to us from our Queen. đ.
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Edinburgh 2006. This cost me a bit but it was easier than writing a show.
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Just a little story about Barry Cryerâs generosity of spirit. After the first of my radio 4 chat shows finished the phone immediately rang. It was Barry telling me how much he enjoyed it. He was always encouraging and always funny. And crikey, what an amazing career. RIP Barry x.
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Morning everyone. Have a lovely day. @richardosman @GethincJones @VickNHope @Nicki_Chapman #HouseofGames
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Well I think we can agree Iâve totally nailed the âtake me seriouslyâ book shelf.
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England possible new chant. @England @BellinghamJude đ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó żđ´ó §ó ˘ó Ľó Žó §ó ż #England #EnglandvsDenmark
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I had a dream last night I was stuck driving round a roundabout. With my right hand I was steering, with my left hand I was making a pancake. All night tossing and turning.
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I paid my respects to The Queen yesterday. A profound experience. And the 7 and a half hour journey to Westminster Hall was made a very enjoyable one by these 8 lovely people I met in the queue. Danny, Frances, Jill, Gareth, Lisa, Mike, Sam, Lauren.
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Just got arrested for shoplifting at Waterstones. Not my fault. I asked if they had any spare books and they said yes.
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So very shocked and sad to hear that Bobby Ball has died. Such a funny funny man. To be on the receiving end of that twinkly smile was pure joy. I send my love to his family. X.
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I wish Bobby Robson was still alive to react to this. I've gone all bleary eyed after the BBC just played that 1990 recap.
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True story: My Mum was in a lift after shopping. Also there a man with a bunch of roses. They chat. The man says he buys roses every Friday for his partner. My Mum says that her partner, my Dad, died 4 years ago. As man leaves he gives Mum a rose. Some lovely people in the world.
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Me and Lee Mack had a great time at the Rock on Bobby Ball dinner last night in Blackpool, honouring the brilliant and much missed Bobby Ball. We love you Bobby!
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As itâs a Panini sticker year hereâs a reminder what you can do with all your swaps.
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Actually Iâve written the first line to my autobiography. âI was the best of Tims and I was the worst of Timsâ.
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Keep going everyone. Thereâs a kite at the end of the funnel.
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Phillip Schofield: âWelcome to the greatest show on ice.â.My Mum: âItâs the ONLY show on ice isnât it?â.
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Oh my word whaaaaaaat a start. That made me laugh and cry. That was even more of a buzz than when she was with Bond in 2012 and jumped out of the helicopter. I loved that! #TheQueenandPaddington.
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I get the same reaction as Anton after watching Rose dance. Donât ask me to talk for at least five minutes after sheâs finished. #strictly.
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I donât know who the best dancer is but the greatest achievement is Chris. And if dance is supposed to emotionally affect the person watching it then thatâs Chris as well. And if itâs a popularity contest I think it might be Chris again. Where do I vote?.
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Why donât we go back to the system where we vote for the prime minister and they have a go for about four years and then we vote for the next one. Whatâs all this nonsense in between?.
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This bloke said to me, he said can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield? I said I canât manage Wednesday.
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Itâs happened! Someone is building a nest in my repositioned Christmas wreath (with central nesting box.) Can anyone tell me what type of bird this is?
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I might watch the US election coverage on Russia Today. I presume theyâll get the results before everyone else.
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My prayers are with Her Majesty. When she goes itâs going to be like someone removing the Moon.
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I havenât written a lot of fan mail in my life but I once wrote to Terry Hall. So many brilliant songs and such a cool front man. RIP to a total original.X.
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Goodnight everyone. One of the advantages of longer lockdown hair is you can try different styles.
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RIP David Soul. A genuine childhood hero. I met him once in my mid thirties and got him to sign my poster.
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Anyone else keeping your mask on sometimes when you donât have to, just to keep your chin warm?.
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Letâs be honest, despite all the naysayers and how close it came to just getting called off altogether, Japan delivered a fantastic Olympics.
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Very sad to hear Des OâConnor has died. Despite being a big star he was always so encouraging and friendly whenever I met him. And as a comic when you appeared on his shows he made you feel like you were the funniest person in the world. A lovely man.
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I love that Tyrone Mings used to be a mortgage advisor. Statistically there must be somebody watching that game who went âHang on a minute, thatâs our mortgage advisorâ.
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He certainly will be missed. Thereâs a positivity and a life enhancing friendliness to Ken Bruce on the radio that is deeply reassuring. As soon as you hear his voice all is right with the world.
We have some news⌠. After 31 years of presenting the 9:30am-midday weekday show Ken Bruce has decided to leave. Weâre going to miss you lots Ken and want to congratulate you on a fantastic career at the BBC. đ§Ą
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Iâve always liked Bill Bailey. About once every ten years we have a chat in a dressing room or a zoo or something. Heâs coming across so well on Strictly. I found that opening dance brilliant, uplifting and moving. #strictly #billbailey.
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So I said to Arnold Schwarzenegger, I said âwhatâs your favourite Christian festival?â He said âyou have to love Easter baby.â @Schwarzenegger.
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Ahem. Not strictly true dear bro. I joined 10 minutes late and stayed for about 25 minutes but as they say in Journalism âNever let the truth get in the way of a good story.â.
I forgot to join our family Zoom on Monday. As it happened, unusually, my brother and sister forgot too. So my mum rang into the meeting and sat just staring at a picture of herself for half an hour. Heart broken đ.
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Itâs amazing to think that if King Charles is on the throne for 20 years then Prince William will become King aged 60. It makes you realise how rare it is for a monarch to ascend to the throne as young as our Queen did.
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Itâs the height Iâve put on during lockdown thatâs really surprised me.
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I got off train at Crewe & realised Iâd left my suit bag on train. Karl & Anthony, from Avanti West Coast, worked out the same train was returning from Manchester. When the train returned I jumped on, grabbed my suit & jumped off again. @AvantiWestCoast Give these two a pay rise!
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Iâve ordered a Dominos. Theyâre falling over themselves to get to me. (sort of works.).
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The Tim Vine Sutton United song. Weâre going to a Wembley final on Sunday. I had to do it. #suttonunited @PapaJohnsTrophy @suttonunited
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Iâve got a shoe in one hand and some polish in the other. Itâs my time to shine.
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I feel 7% emotional, 35% it's coming home and 58% I can't cope.
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Is that a level croissant?.
I told my wife that @RealTimVine could come up with a pun for this. Best I could manage was 'meals on wheels'. đ
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Watching the Sue Barker tributeâŚ. Iâve got something in my eye. And coincidentally the other eye too.
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Now my telly is definitely on the blink. I just saw Lee Mack scoring a penalty.
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A great moment there. The commentator said âif you donât want to know the Croatian result, look away nowâ. He then proceeded to SAY the result.
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MVG is out. Spaces are appearing in the World Darts draw. #PDCWorldChampionship @OfficialPDC
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For pure symmetry I think I may have just thrown the best 180 of my life.
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RIP to Val Kilmer who played the lead in my favourite comedy film called âTOP SECRETâ and he was brilliant in it. Hereâs a bit of the trailer.
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So just to clarify the reason for the red card. âHis feet were above the groundâ. I must say, in all my years of watching football Iâve never seen a tackle where the playerâs feet are BELOW the ground. #SUIESP.
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I completely agree. I have always loved this joke.
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I love BBC4. It teaches me stuff. Iâd keep BBC4 and drop the 24 hour News channels. News a couple of times a day is enough. Morning and evening. Chuck one in at lunch time as well if youâre desperate.
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If Biden wins I just thought of a headline. âBIDEN. HIS TIME.â.
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If football IS coming home it can stay in the front garden for a bit and have a long hard look at itself.
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Ten years ago today Peter Falk died. Columbo. The greatest detective series on tv ever.
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I had Astra Zeneca. After 1st jab I had no reaction and after second jab I also had no reaction. Iâm thinking of going again but this time taking off my puffer jacket.
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Fantastic though this tournament has been I think we can all agree as we move into the business end of it, we miss Wayne Mardle. @Wayne501Mardle.
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So my New Yearâs Eve hit three bulls in succession challenge failed. This was the closest I got. Thereâs always next year.
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