Nicholas Lezard
@Nicklezard
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7,154
Following
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Media
406
Statuses
10,427
Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard
London
Joined January 2012
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Dear
@BBCPM
, if you're going to interview John Hayes MP about climate change, better point out to your listeners that he gets paid £50k a year by an energy company for 90 hours work
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Trying to think of the last time I held a party at which people were sick, there was red wine over the walls, and at least one fight, and I have to go back at least 30 years, WHEN I WASN'T THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER IN A PANDEMIC
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Ed Milliband lost an election because he ate a bacon sandwich funny
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I hope this is going viral before he becomes, you know, our next PM
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I wonder when people are going to work out why this map looks like the way it does and when they're going to throw out the corrpt government reponsible
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I am proud and honoured to know
@Elif_Safak
and hope that people stand in solidarity with her, and the very principle of free speech. This will spread if we don't stand up now.
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I struggle to think of any people who could possibly be more stupid than the ones on this protest
The London Ambulance Service was 100 ambulances down yesterday because nearly 400 staff are off with Covid.
But these charmers still chose to congregate today in their unmasked thousands.
Absolutely staggering.
#LondonProtest
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Here's a very small part of what I have to say about Martin Amis's death. (I had been asked for a reminiscence.)
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I hope anti-maskers, anti-lockdown pundits like
@ClarkeMicah
,
@toadmeister
and
@allisonpearson
read this article.
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In case there is a corner of the internet that hasn't seen this
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I think this snippet from
@PrivateEyeNews
should be more widely spread around
http://t.co/FBrdpl7vRR
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When you see Dave Allen is trending and you get a little emotional because he hasn't been forgotten and is still loved
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I cannot recommend this highly enough. Few people did as much to move people against racism in the 70s and 80s as Linton Kwesi Johnson, and as this programme shows, he's still got the fire and the moral authority, as well as the words
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we are in the odd position where someone on Sky Sports - SKY SPORTS - is providing better political analysis than anyone on the BBC
Brilliant dissection of the BBC's cowardice and hypocrisy over Gary Linker from Sky Sports News presenter, Kaveh Solhekol. 🔥
#Newsnight
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I've been commissioned to write a new foreword to a new edition of this, coming out next year, and rarely have I felt so honoured.
#Withnail
@BFI
@BloomsburyBooks
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Chat with my friend Ben who used to work on Loaded magazine. "If anyone had been caught watching porn during an editorial meeting -- AT LOADED -- IN THE NINETIES -- they'd have been sacked on the spot, or given the bollocking of their lives. AT LOADED. IN THE NINETIES."
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Just realised the best thing to say to a glum and panicky Brexiter is "cheer up mate, it might never happen"
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Please reassure me that I'm not the only person who didn't realise until today that the "Bugs" in "Bugs Bunny" is a word for "crazy". It all makes so much more sense now. I thought it was just his first name
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Can people stop saying "going forward"? Bullshit management-speak isn't helping.
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Context: an argument on a FB wall about anti-lockdown demos. And then Richard Fairbrass out of Right Said Fred chipped in. So I had to say this. (Click on pic.) I mean it's not often this kind of opportunity arises.
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Whenever I feel low, I perk myself up by remembering that Rod Liddle hates me
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This is to announce, if you're interested, that the review column called "Nicholas Lezard's Choice" will be returning, to an interweb near you, in the next few days.
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Is it just me or is football really boring if you don't mind who wins, and there hasn't been a goal for 35 mins?
#Iwantmylifeback
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Farage turned down Coutts' offer of a NatWest account presumably because he liked the cachet of using a posh bank. Turns out it's a 2-way street. It's not like he was being denied a basic human right, like, oh, I dunno, asylum
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Friend, colleague. Sharpest knife in the drawer. My boss, for a while. And one of the best. Her approval meant a lot.
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I turned 60 yesterday. My eldest child
@AnnaSpitsFires
made this card (including the siblings; I'm in John's place) and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine fatherhood could be so rewarding, especially considering my slack dadness
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I first visited Brighton in 1981. 40 years later, the beach is STILL all pebbles, FFS. Come on, erosion, pull the finger out.
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For some unfathomable reason this pic has become rather hard to find on the interwebs, so for goodness' sake don't RT
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Art historians: what's the closest devotional painting to this incredibly poignant image?
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I take it we can now all assume that wine and cheese are legitimate work-related expenses and can be written off against tax
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Imagine having a friend or relative who had been killed by the IRA and contemplating this shameful, disgusting moment.
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Listening to the new
@BBCRadio4
show "The Birthday Cake Game" where
@Richardosman
's guests have to guess how old various celebrities are and I cannot conceive of more dismal and unfunny format. This is it. Absolute rock bottom. I wish I was deaf.
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@GeorgeMonbiot
@FraserNelson
My letter to the Spectator a few months ago correcting Liddle's claim that "52% of the population" voted for Brexit wasn't published. Nor, I suspect, was any other letter pointing out the howler.
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Just had my first (Pfizer) jab. The most painful bit, by far, was the cost of taxis there and back. Get your jab if you can. Anti-vaxxers can do one.
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@nyrbclassics
has published this lot in the last few weeks (one a proof copy for later) and in my 5th decade of being a paid book critic, I have never seen a publisher knock it out of the park like this. Each one of these is a diamond.
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A country that gives Claire Fox a peerage is officially a rat-infested shithole.
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On the early morning of the 23rd I had a severe asthma attack. God bless the
#NHS
and the staff and ambulance crew of Charing Cross Hospital.
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It is also a matter of pure delight that this prick has lost ten grand
The first polls are closing and I am absolutely optimistic.
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I have the tiniest suspicion Raab has never read a word of Kafka, not even the word "Kafka"
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So our next Prime Minister - our PRIME MINISTER - is going to be ultimately determined by an electorate of 124,000, average age 72, many of whom think - oh god I can't finish this sentence do it for yourselves please
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To borrow a phrase from
@darrengrimes
, we have reached a point in our national story where "cartoon bully with a pet spider" is not a bizarre political insult but a simple statement of fact
💥Keir Starmer destroys Rishi Sunak at
#PMQs
while a backbencher shouts "bring the lettuce back!"
This is how you do it.
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I've thought up a new game. It's called "Conservative MP". You name a Tory MP and the person next to you has to name a worse one. And so on. The loser is the one who has to say "Andrew Bridgen", whose Wikipedia entry alone is a catalogue of shame.
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I walked past the Covid memorial yesterday. 200k hearts; you write in the names of those who died. It's opposite the Houses of Parliament as a rebuke. But some people are beyond shame.
#Tories
#Borisjohnson
, you know them
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damn, something in my eye
RIP Jimmy Perry, Dad's Army creator and comedy genius. Here's the
@ColdstreamBand
tribute at
#changingoftheguard
this morning
@RoyalFamily
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Well this fucking cheered everyone up at Hammersmith today
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Er, wow, is all I can say
No more Nicholas Lezard's Paperback of the Week? Bad news. One of the best parts of the Review. Hope it can find another home.
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Beats being Rod Liddle, who, let's not forget, has a police caution for (alleged) violence against his pregnant girlfriend
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Inspirational quote on British Library pencil: "Today a reader, tomorrow a leader." (Margaret Fuller.) Which is why I am President of the US and Donald Trump is sitting in a basement flat in Brighton wondering where it all went wrong.
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And this is why Brendan O'Neill and
@speikedonline
are twats.
Anna Soubry is at the forefront of a deeply cynical and elitist effort to demonise and destroy a great act of democracy: the vote for Brexit. It is entirely natural that she should become the focal point for people’s anger, says Brendan O’Neill
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Thank you my twitter lot for being a surprisingly decent bunch and happy 2019 to you all, in spite of the odds.
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The wonderful, wonderful, Nancy Banks-Smith.
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Just passing this on without comment
If BBC can reverse its axing of Saturday Review, why not Guardian ditto for
@Nicklezard
column?
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If you want to know what a copper-bottomed stupid bastard looks like, read this tweet
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Apparently
@realDonaldTrump
was quoted "out of context". Listen, pal, THE WHOLE WORLD heard it, and the context.
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Meanwhile, in Kings Cross, property prices are so insane there are buildings that can't even afford a third dimension
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Trying to think how
@Fox_Claire
got her peerage. Was it her genocide denial? Her defence of Gary Glitter's right to download child porn? Her support for the IRA? Help me out here.
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@allisonpearson
Also not sure how "asking pertinent questions" means the same as "bias against"
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Not so much a "broad front" as pieces of shit hanging out together
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I don't fucking think so, Twitter. (And it's "whom", but never mind that right now.)
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Look, I am very much Remain, but this exchange is still glorious.
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Normally when I see "77 notifications" I go "uh-oh", and hide. But this time ... well, thanks for all the support, everyone. Means a LOT.
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Not only is David Icke's presence a cast-iron guarantee of mass audience stupidity, I also saw a Trump flag there. I'm so sick of these morons.
David Icke is here - 30 mins to the start of the world wide rally for Freedom in Trafalgar Square - Thousands of protesters here already, very low police presence
#WewillALLbethere
#freedomrally
#FreedomMarch
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And here - ta da! - is the new
#NicholasLezardsChoice
. The venue and title chosen may surprise, but now I can do anything I want. Appearing monthly.
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I presume
@BBCRadio4
don't want people to listen to Any Questions, because they've put speaking turd Nigel Farage on the panel this evening
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I suggest that you begin the year by blocking all the creeps who infest Twitter and keep popping up in your timeline: Farage, Darren Grimes, Kelvin Mackenzie, John Redwood etc etc. They won't know or care but it might help and you will feel cleaner as a result. Spread the word.
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The scene: Brighton & Hove City Council, Xmas Decorations committee.
"So, have we got a slogan for the lights?"
"Nah, I got nothing."
"Anyone else?"
*head shakes all round*
"God, it's like last year."
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Today I learned that the ICC Birmingham where the Tories are having their conference was built with £49.7million froim the European Council, and the foundation stone was laid by Jacques Delors
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Over the years the English have gained the reputation of being cool, calm and collected. We're not. We never were. We're a bunch of fucking lunatics. I hope everyone has worked this out by now.
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If
@Nigel_Farage
and his followers are shitting themselves about an invasion conducted by a hundred or so deperate families, I wonder how they'd have opposed the Wehrmacht. Ah wait - they wouldn't have.
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@RobBurl
If you "can't know" what O'Neill is going to say in advance then you must be very stupid indeed, as he's the most tiresomely predictable hack in Britain.
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UK going down the toilet even faster than previously thought possible
BREAKING: Boris Johnson has asked former Mail editor Paul Dacre to run thr broadcasting watchdog Ofcom. Charles Moore is close to a done deal to be BBC chairman
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@allisonpearson
@BBCNews
No, but I do remember that he won an election in which the general public were allowed to vote
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I hope he falls in his fucking moat
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I can quote poetry too but has Nadine Dorries ever so much as looked at me? (This from her new book)
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To recap: in the last few days, the BBC have
Bollocked Gary Lineker and told him to step down from MOTD
Said nothing to or about Fiona Bruce for whitewashing DV (and lying)
Shelved David Attenborough for caring about the countryside
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If I was still a paid radio critic (best job ever for me) I'd be raving at great length about how
@cerysmatthews
and her guests make brilliant and engaging and informative connections about music over the centuries
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Here's a photo of a man not on coke or anything like that
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